The Spider Hunt (A Spiderman Fanfiction)

Hitting Rock Bottom (and the return back up)

*WARNING*: This is a scene containing self-harm and attempted suicide. Move straight on to the next chapter if you are not comfortable reading this. The story line will continue fine from there. Sorry if it is really heavy so far... I promise it gets better!

Here I finally am. An inch from death and pure blissful peace. I crouch on the blood stained carpet in my room, red rivers making trails to the floor from a series of deep cuts in my arm. Each one for the people I loved who had died or lives I had ruined, who were better off without me. My parents, uncle Ben, Captain Stacy, Dr Conners, Gwen... All my failures flash before my eyes in some woozy state between dying from bloodloss and having insane healing powers. Vaguely I hear Jaffa's distressed voice begging me to stop, threatening to call a hospital, Aunt May, anyone. I chuckle darkly. I stated she wasn't to call anyone and attempt to stop me and she couldn't go against her coding and stop me. Darkness prowls around the edges of my mind until my thoughts are nothing more than colorful wisps and time a foreign concept. With shaky hands I raise a kitchen knife right before my heart but before I can push I hear the desperate shouting of Jaffa finally cut through the mist. "Please Sir! Stop! You are so young with so much potential... I need you. Aunt May needs you, she can't handle another lose. She will think it's her fault and It will kill her. This isn't what Gwen would want..." "You don't 'nderstand Jaf", I slur "this is 'xactly what she wants. Better off 'ithout mehhhh". In a bount of courage I once again raise the knife, blocking out Jaffa's screams. I can almost hear Gwen's soft musical voice again. Oh how I missed its sound after all this time. 'Hang on'. I frown. Its not some wild hallucination I can actually hear her voice. "...hearing this it means I'm dead. Sorry I just had to say that. You know how much I live cheesily spy movies. I am terribly sorry I died and I assure you there is no way this is your fault. Petey I know you, my death will crush you, you will think it's your fault and stop being spiderman to honor me or some rubbish. Pete as a girlfriends of Spiderman's once said...you are an idiot. I didn't not go to all the trouble of dying just for you to abuse my memory and stop being spiderman. Sorry that was mean. Look I love how you always have to save people, the way you smartass the baddies and bring Hope to the people in this city. For hope is the most powerful thing in this earth. I want you to keep being the hope everyone needs. But I want you to be someone as Peter Parker. That brain of yours could bring down Tony Stark if you tried! I want you to move on. Get friends, find a girlfrind, get insanely rich from inventing flying cars, get married and have weird wall crawling babies. I want you to be HAPPY. This is my death wish. You you better damn obey it bug boy! So dont do anything reckless while I'm gone" there is a knock in the background. "One second Pete. Just recording something! Ha ha well your at my window so One last thing. I love you Peter Parker. More than life itself. So dont be an idiot and waste it." I didn't even realize I had dropped the knife. I was sobbing deep hurtful breathes. Oh god what had I done... All this time doing exactly what Gwen DIDN'T want. The world stops and turns slowly black. I hid the floor with a thump as I hear Aunt May screaming my name in the background.

I wake up 3 days later to the the sounds a constant beep, pain and the smell of anestheptics and old-shoe coffee. There is only one place that can achieve the ability to turn coffee into tasting like moldy shoes. I'm in hospital... Shit. Hospitals and superhumans as a rule dont mix. I send a silent prayer I took the initiative to program Jaffa to respond to me getting in hospital and preventing any of my nonhuman traits getting out. It is as I am thinking of that blessed AI that it hits me. Oh god I just tried to commit suicide... And while I'm currently feeling very much like living thanks to however the heck I heard Gwen (I'm thinking Jaffa) Aunt May is gonna freak. Sighing I slowly will my eyes open and glance around the room. Just me in this clunky hospital bed, bunch fun looking machines, a few chairs and... Aunt May. "Pete!", she sobs as she runs towards me and gives me a awkward hug like I am about to break or something. Which I guess everyone thinks I will. Suicide. Yeesh way to stuff up your life Peter. I really think i should have some kinda medal considering how many times i majourly stuff up. "I'm so glad your OK....i...i thought I had lost you and when Jaffa texted Me...". Oh the sneaky little genius. I said she wasn't to call so she texted. Well you can't say I didn't do a good job making her. "...and then you were just lying there. I can't believe I didn't do anything I mean I...". Aunt May begins weeping as she clutches onto me. "Please don't cry May. There is nothing you could've done I was just being an idiot. But hey I'm better now!", i rasp softly. Aunt May suddenly seems to fill with frightened anger, "No Pete you were dying and i didn't do anything to stop it. How dare you not tell me! i could have helped if i realized but i didn't did i. Oh why did i ever think i could be a mother. What if child services try to take you away! No i will have to watch you constantly, home-schooling i think. Or i could hire a carer if i can... or just some nice old nanny to watch you while i work. I am the worst mother how could i..." "Um Aunt May do you mind getting me some food? I am absolutely starving. Could you get a drink too? Mind you not that mysterious brown glue they are selling as coffee. Could have sworn the delivery man said delivery from the toxic waste plant." May just looks at me in shock before scurrying out, a genuine smile on her face. As she leaves I hear her mutter, "He asked for food. FOOD and making his jokes again! Mind you he is definitely out of practice that joke was appalling". Come on i never have bad jokes! Still...Mission accomplished.

Am sitting on my bed doing the final repairs to my spiderman coatume half listening as Aunt May calls a goodbye as she scurries of to work. It was a long few weeks before Aunt May finally got that yes, i am actually ok. Well not OK as such but i'm definitely mending. I am eating, going to school, getting outside (to re-train my spidey powers but she doesn't need to know that), smiling more and even joking sometimes even though May insists that they are shocking while she laughs. She is still anxious whenever i'm alone but i have now programmed Jaffa into my watch she is slightly more relaxed. Turns out it was Jaffa who played the recording off Gwen that night. A recording given to me at the funeral that I had never had the guts to watch. Could never get past the first line. Jaffa now has the ability to override my commands and write her own coding because I know humans are flawed. Jaffa can protect me from myself. Her comforting Russian voice snaps me out of my thoughts, "Sir you might want to take a look at this." I frown as she takes control and opens up a news stream from my laptop. "...I'm here live from Burke avenue on 56th street where it is complete chaos. A man in some sort of weaponised armored suit is wreaking havoc on midtown".  I glance at the mask in my hands, "I don't suppose the avengers will take this will they? Maybe in an hour or so but till then... Well it's one way to make an entrance. Big battle against a metal onesie." I slip on my suit, mask and put on my web shooters. While I can naturally produce webfluid the shooters strengthen and making my shots more accurate. "Well here goes nothing Jaf" I leap out my bedroom window and then I'm flying. The rushing past as I spin through the crisp morning air. The comforting thwip of the webshooters stopping my free fall at the last second. I didn't realize I missed this. The adrenalin. The freedom. Below me I hear gasps and exclamations of surprise from the city streets. In the distance I can vaguely hear the classic movie sounds of screaming in terror, gunshots and explosions. Ah New York. There is no place quite like home. The battle goes according to plan. Clunky paws is in jail and the city cheering on Spiderman's return. For the first time in months as i lay down to sleep i am smiling. I finally feel like i am doing what Gwen wants. What makes her (and me) happy. And as i drift away the one thought that has haunted me for months drifts away too. Maybe they are not better off without. Maybe I am needed.