Sessions : Vanessa #justwriteit

Session 2 : Architect

"Are you happy with your work? Why do you feel useless? Could it be you want a relationship?"

"I don't really like the situation at my office, i just moved, it's just almost 2 months now and turns out its not how i expected to be.
Relationship, i recently lost someone that made me motivate myself to be a better person and surviving day by day.
He left me 3 weeks ago because he assumed that he's not matter to me anymore since the past few months.
My mistake. I made him assume that way. He misunderstood."

"What did you do that he misunderstood? Do you explain it to him?"

"I did but it's too late. He already determined to move on."

"How big is the broke up affect you?"

"Quite majorly.
I increased your prescription drug because of the severe depression, when it was already decreasing for around 4 months. I was already getting better because he was around and his existence became more important to me.
And him.. He was my medicine. Sounds cheesy huh ?
I never thought i'd have such feelings for someone that much. that someone would mean the reason i'm fighting to become a better person, to fix myself, collecting my own broken pieces, who makes me motivate myself day to day.
All he had to do was just being around and understood me when i had bad days and getting a bad mood. He never made it more complicated. He just stayed calm and it made me calm down too"

"A bestowal of acceptance is not cheesy. Sometimes it's the only prerequisite for a change"

"Really? hmm yeah maybe that's the reason why his existence was very significant for me. He did accept me completely and stayed around in my dark days. And i realized it too late that i was the one who made him go away."

"Does it help you to forgive the past ?"

"It might. At least maybe i'll feel that there's something worthy about this life for me.
That it's not a mistake that i exist in this world as my mom used to say to me for years back then.
That my life has a meaning. That there's a reason why i need to stay here.
Because i'm important to someone. 
That at least someone needs my existence. "

"How you make him go away ?"

"Someone whom i can trust will stay around.
Someone who feels like home. Cause the four walls surrounding me never feels like home in my whole life. Maybe it should be a beating heart and a pair of caring arms."

"You said you drove him away, may i know how?"

"I hardly trust anyone and feel secure with a guy. Moreover to feel that i'm coming home after a tiring and rough day and all i wanted was to cry within his arms and he just hold me for a long time. Letting me pull all my sadness out.
He felt like home and now i'm homesick.. For weeks. Every single day..
We were not in a committed relationship at that time. I told him i don't want to be committed at the beginning that we got close. And he agreed.
Because i don't wanna get hurt. He didn't know it at first. Then we agreed that it's okay for us to date another person, just let each other know.
Then lately these past 2 months i dated another guy and from my posts on my social media, he thought i fell in love with that guy.
While instead i was writing about him"

"So he's jealous?"

"I don't know. He's the type of guy that don't ask too much, but just making assumptions by himself.
So all i know is he decided to let me go and he got close to another girl.
That's what he said after i asked him what's wrong. Cause lately i felt there's something changed in him. He finally said it."

"Are they also in an open relationship?"

"The trust issue i had, made me feel afraid to get hurt so i don't wanna get attached. I try not to develop such deep feelings for anyone, including him.
I tried to make it easier to not get attached by seeing another guy at the same time. Instead i hurt him then myself now."

"Yes I understand about not wanting to get attached"

"Nope, he wants to have a committed relationship with this girl.
I asked if he's happy? He took a breathe and answered : with God's might, I will try my best to be happy with her.
And so i knew i lost him. Since he never said such thing.
I was totally broken.
Losing him was like losing my own soul"

"Have you tried to explain it to him ? That you're willing to be committed too"

"It was excruciating. Knowing i unintentionally pushed him away. Foolishly made him felt like i left him for someone else. Made him let go of me and turning to someone else who appreciated him more, i guess.
I did but it was too late."

"What made him special than other guy? It sounds like you're idolizing him.."

"He realized my anxiety and being judgmental or advice me too much on how to overcome it. He would be there to listen, accepted my rand, responded calmly.
Then when i finished ranting and feeling guilty to him for an hour or two later, i'd apologize and ask him to forget what I've said. He would say: already. always.
Others would say: 'why do you even bothered by such silly thing? take it easy. you should be grateful for at least you live, bla bla bla.
He didn't ask at all.
The one i lost."

"I would assume that this break up trigger your feeling of uselessness, sense of unworthiness"

"Indeed. It triggered it. All over again. A blast from the past."

"My biggest mistake ever. I tried to fix my life. To finally fell happiness. But then ruined it with my own hands. Perfect. Awesome me."

"It was a mistake. I think your fueling your past negative core belief by shaping this experience to suit your sense of unworthiness. I do hope you can separate it, relationship is complicated.