Sessions : Vanessa #justwriteit

Session 1 : Vanessa

"I've had mild anxiety. Now that i count back again, it's been 7 years. Anxiety and depression. Then gotten worse for a year now. This is my first time i see a psychiatrist"

"Does it affect your ability to function socially and professionally?"

"It is, I feel uncomfortable around people. Especially if there are many strangers around at work. If there's a meeting that i have to join as well. With partner's team along with people that i don't know"

"Do you feel uncomfortable about yourself or the people?"

"Myself. But i think i'm quite good at pretending that I'm okay. That i don't have anxiety. If i get really uncomfortable, i usually tell people i need to use the bathroom. I need a space to be alone for a few minutes. Just to take some deep breathes. Calm myself down. Trying to push all the feelings away. Sucks when that happens."

"7 years is a long time.. A long time to perfecting the art of pretending.. What do you think is the cause of your anxiety?"

"Family issues since i was teen. But gotten worse as i start to work"

"Divorce?"

"What's your issue !!?"

"... I came from a divorced family. I fought a lot with my parent. My father was a controlling person.. My view of the world is different."

"Wow.. almost the same.. Separated, not legally divorced. But yeah a broken home.
Yeah parents fighting so much i got sick of those..
All those yelling. Cruel stupid words.
Me too. I view the world differently from my friends. Sometimes they say i'm too negative thinking, overly sensitive about things and people and problems. They say i'm too easily stressed, over reacting.
Maybe i am an easily depressed person since the beginning or maybe this family issue that created my depression and my trust issues.
Either way i don't tell many of my friends about my background.
Often times they already being judgmental and telling i need to be more positive and calm down over this one problem.. whatever it is
They don't know my anxieties over these past few years and i don't think they'll understand so i don't say a thing."

"When parent fighting, they project their unhappiness toward the children. In that position, the child may think it's her fault."

"Yeah, I read it somewhere.. It's the perception the kids get cause they're still so young and don't understand what's going on. Parents won't say that they have issues between them two. Kids only get the anger and that their parents suddenly not together anymore. 
Projecting that it's their fault. They make the conclusion based on the final result."

"Yes.. but as we grow up, we understand right? We don't blame ourselves anymore. Do you still blame yourself?"

"But even then, everything already rooting in my lifetime thoughts, developing what I've become now and won't go away easily.
It doesn't change anything.
I don't think I do anymore.
Now I blame them for being immature"

"A trauma or a scar."

"For ruining everything i am as a person. Yep."

"This experience shape who we are now"

"Exactly."

"Did your parent often judge and angry to you? Over controlling and over demanding, rarely supportive?"

"OMG.. Yes. Exactly. No matter what i do, they kept on saying i'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. They can't be proud of me. Comparing me to their friends' children with number 1 rank at their schools. They control who i can be friends and who i can't"

"And you were inclined to make your parent proud. I have to assume you would be feeling inferior sometimes ?"

"I rarely have close friends more than 2 or 3 back then that i can hang out with.
Yes. That's true.
I still feel that sometimes until now"

"Would you tell me more.."

"In my case, it's my mom who said the words that hurt me. My dad is more into his actions that hurt me."

"What did she say? Physical abuse?"

"He said and did nothing when my mom throwing her words at me. And left the room. Left house for days. Then my mom would spill the rage at me".

"What are the words ?"

"Saying i'm such a stupid child. Can't be proud of me. I'm no good. I better be gone. Better be sent to my grandma. It was unworthy and a waste of time to raise me."

"It would cause a serious insecurity issue.."

"Yeah. She said it's better that i live alone in the woods faraway from her. She said i can't look pretty like my other friends at school or like her friend's kids that are good looking and dress nicely"

"They're not happy with their life. It was a harsh words"

"So she feels ashamed about me looking ugly and can't show me off."

"I think it was her own projection of herself"

"How am i supposed to dress well with those words she's been pointing at me since i was a kid?
I didn't have any confidence at all.
All i think about was that I'm a useless unworthy human being.
Yeah i feel insecure almost my whole life."

"But now do you manage to get better? of course it can't completely erased but have managed to do something"

"Not really. I have a job, some friends, but still feeling unhappy and empty sometimes.
it's like just hanging on day by day.
Nothing that excites me to really feeling alive"

"The world is beautiful
I never belonged
The empty world plays a mute symphony"

"Sometimes i stop doing things and pause, feeling i don't know what to do with my life.
But then i try to brush it off and continue with my activities."

"do you consider yourself fragile ?

"Yes.. Like the slightest trouble can drown me down again"

"I assume you still angry and blame your parent, do you think you could forgive them knowing that they did things they did is because they are not happy?"

"I don't think i could. What's done is done. But sometimes forgiving is not as easy as how it seems in mind"

"Isn't it because what's done is done that you should forgive and move one?"

"It's still hard, knowing that what's done has destroyed me.
Did you forgive them? made some peace?"

"... Peace would require retribution and compensation.. No, I haven't made my peace too..
What do you think the biggest damage are?"

"My insecurities at a highest level and my self love is at lowest level"

"Are you a cutter?"

"....
Was.. Just a few times. Not anymore..
....
People say that problems  are made for the tough ones. It will make you stronger and better than others. Really? I don't feel extraordinary. I sometimes doubt if i'm just simply useless person and these issues are just my validation of.. Being me
And i can never tell the correct answer"

"I hope to meet  you again in our next session."