Because I Promised

Eight | She knew.

I don't remember getting home. I don't even know how I got here. One minute I'm sitting on the bench in front of my shrink's office, and the next I'm lying on my bed, staring at the day-dreamed patterns on my ceiling. Today I'm counting circles.

It seems I spend more time in my room than any other place. Maybe because it's the only place I feel okay, which is extremely whacked considering it's the place that reminds me most of Ali.

When I started reading her journal, it was out of obligation. As I keep reading, I realize it's because I need to. I have this desperate need to find out what she thought of me. I need to know if she answers my questions.

As I pull out the very thing that has begun to break me, I take a few seconds to just hold it in my hands and imagine how Ali would. I imagine that she would hold it like she is capable of breaking it. She would turn the pages carefully unlike the rough way I do.

Her face, her long hair and green eyes stare up at me from the front cover and I wonder if this is just a part of love. I wonder if this happens to everyone who falls in love or if it's just me.

The way she invades my thoughts even when I don't want her to. The way that she's in the back of my mind, ready to be called upon when I need her. But that's how she is. She is always there when I need her. I try not to be selfish by thinking that I'm special to her, but I know I am. She looks at me like I'm the greatest thing to her. She looks at me like I'm it.

It's rather naïve to think you've found the person who can become your everything at such a young age, but I like to believe that we have. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I love her, and vice versa. I can't imagine wanting to spend every minute of every day with one person other than Alison.

Is it so crazy to know this before you even know where you're going to college?

But I knew it too late.

She didn't. She always knew.

I'm the one who was too stupid to realize it.

Now I'm the one who is alone.

I try to convince myself that it isn't my fault.

But it is.

I could have helped her.

I'm completely in love with a girl who can't love me back.

God, she's so damn smart. She knew this whole time. She knew I'm in love with her, and she just let me convince myself otherwise.

She knew I would figure it out eventually. Maybe she even knew it would be after she's gone.

I wish she would have been stronger. I wish she let the cancer take her instead of taking herself. I wish I stopped her. I wish I held her hand one more time. I wish I was there.

How could I just pretend I never loved her at all? What kind of person does that make me?

Does that make me even weaker than her?

I hate her. I hate her for giving up. She wasn't supposed to be weak. She was the strong one.

I just didn't know.

With her journal in my hand, I pull a jacket over my thin t-shirt and shove my feet into my tennis shoes. I'm grabbing the car keys without even paying attention to what I'm doing. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know where I'm going.

It seems as if I hold my breath for the ten minutes I'm driving. It isn't until I'm parked in front of Kelsey's house that I even know I'm breathing.

I don't know why I've brought myself here, but I need answers. From my car window, I can see Kelsey rushing to put her jacket on as she walks out her front door. She's twirling her keys around a manicured finger, her short hair becoming victim to the wind.

I'm pushing on my door and closing it behind me before I can stop myself. The journal lies innocently on my passenger seat.

She's in such a rush that she hardly notices me walking up her driveway. When she does, a strange look washes over her face. It's like she knew I would come but didn't want me to. It looks like it almost pains her to see me.

"I can't do this right now." She says. "I'm already late for practice." I know she's in the spring musical. She never misses it. I think she even has the lead now. Ali had it.

"Did she love me?" I'm blurting out before I have time to think.

"Jordan, I can't do this. Please just go bother someone else or come back later or something. Please." Her voice is cracking, like she's trying not to cry. I notice for the first time the bags underneath her eyes.

"Kelsey, I lost her too." I say quietly.

"No. She lost you. You didn't lose her and you sure as hell didn't deserve the love that my best friend had for you. You didn't deserve an ounce of it. Now please get the hell out of my driveway." She screams at me before getting into her car and slamming the door.

I'm nearly frozen in place. I don't know what I was expecting.

Kelsey and I always got on really well. I should have known she would defend Ali like a pitbull though.

Her car disappears down the street and as it gets smaller and smaller, so does my sense of hope.