Because I Promised

Eighteen | Why?

Dedicated to Maria because she used to leave the sweetest comments on here.

Dear Jordan,

It's been 67 days since I last picked this up. In the last 67 days, you've won. I'm not sure what the prize is but you win. This game I've started it over. We are over. It happened in my dad's car after your lacrosse game. You said, "This isn't working anymore Ali," as if it's been working at all for months. But here's the thing, you couldn't even tell me why. You couldn't narrow it down to a reason. Within this journal, there are too many reasons to count on two hands. You could have searched your brain and come up with any of them. But you didn't. You got to say "this isn't working" and just end it. How was that so easy for you? I've been trying to do it for months and you just said it and there it was. I always knew my opinion was irrelevant but I've never felt it to strong until that night.

As a tribute to my self worth and sanity, I have compiled a list of the reasons we "stopped working".

1.We are young. So young that we haven't gotten a chance to really get out in the world and experience it in all it's glory.

2. High school changes people. It changed both of us.

3. We both like control but we could never control each other.

4. I made out with both of your best friends.

5. I'm your consolation prize for not being with Denise.

6. The idea of me is more important to you than my actual being.

7. I'm dying.

8. You're more alive than ever.

9. You don't have room for me and success in your life. It's obvious what you chose.

10. You're selfish.

11. You don't care.

12. You always want the next best thing.

13. I'm too far in your comfort zone.

14. I challenge you.

15. I need more attention than you're willing to give.

16. When things get hard, you quit.

17. I gave everything to you and expected the same in return.

18. I was wrong.

19. I've always been wrong.

20. You're spineless.

21. You are some second-rate version of your friends who don't even care about you.

22. Deep down, you're nothing but a shell of who you used to be and for that I feel sorry for you.

So there it is. There's everything I've been too afraid to say since you ruined us. I hope you're shocked and hurt and everything in between because then at least you feel a fraction of what you've made me feel. You're the worst kind of coward because you don't know that's what you are. So maybe I'm crazy and sick and pathetic, but I know what I am. I know who I am and that's more than I can say about you.

With disappointment,

Alison.