Diary of an Asian Kid

People, Part 1: My Family

I decided to put this up as a special segment for the Chinese New Year. I might be putting another one on my friends/classmates later on. Everything on here is my honest-to-God opinion on these people, so please don't tell them, or I'll be in big trouble. It's not meant to be particularly funny, but I think it's turned out like that despite my wishes. Enjoy!

My Family

Victor: My younger brother by two years. He's in the seventh grade by now, but you couldn't tell by looking at him (mainly because he looks young, and once you've heard/seen him, you'll know that he behaves exactly like a fourth-grader). He used to be on the swimming team in elementary school, but refused to join the one at our school (mainly because they have to start practice at five thirty in the morning. I call that smart of him), so he now has far too much time on his hands. He has been clinically diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficiency Hyperactive Disorder). Also, he is always getting into trouble with Mom and Dad by refusing to do his homework, refusing to go to swimming practice...etc. He absolutely hates being scolded, and will scream back at whoever yelled at him. Interests include swimming, watching TV, and playing computer games (why the heck isn't he myopic by now?).

Mom: My mother, of course. She has cleaning obsessive-compulsive disorder (well, not really, but she might as well have) and is always on us to do our share of housework (we should, but we shouldn't have to like it). She graduated from first-choice high school and university, as did my dad. I think that has put a lot of pressure on me. (An interesting side note, all of my mom and dads' siblings graduated from their, and ours of course, first choice high schools. Damn them!) She also studied abroad, in Canada and the US, which accounts for my having a Canadian nationality. Despite all that schooling, the only job she currently holds is a part-time job as an English tuition teacher for kids. She spends the rest of her time either at Tzu-Chi doing volunteer work or at our school.

Dad: My father. He has a horrible temper, but tends to keep it all bottled up until he can't take it anymore and it all comes exploding out with a colossal BOOM! And we all have to run for cover. He's especially hard on Victor. Dad now teaches as an associate professor at Yang-Min University. We have no idea what he does at work most of the time. His relationship with his parents (my grandparents) is horrible, also known as 'Untold Years of Suppressed Problems', even though we live with them. They have, as stated above, uncountable unresolved problems. I think they should all go to a family therapy season (along with Dad's older brother, who, sadly, is in America).

Grandpa (paternal): He grew up in China, He-Nan province, Kai-Fung city. He lost at least one parent to World War II, and so is always telling us stories of when he was little (he is 88 years old as of 2010. Yeah, he married real late). Unlike what most people think, he didn't come to Taiwan as a soldier with the Republic of China, but came before that as a student. He was a professor of Botany at National Taiwan University for a very long time, but now is retired. Although he still goes to school every weekday, to work on a thesis, I think. Something against Darwin's theory of evolution. Well, he's happy. Oh, and he's half deaf, but always tries to guess what you're saying to him. His reactions are sometimes funny.

Grandma (paternal): She used to be a nurse before marrying Grandpa. She's rather short of common sense and completely devoid of tact, so Victor has zero respect for her and is always saying that she's too nosy. She has a bad stomach (which I'm pretty sure is all her own doing), and is consequently ingesting small amounts of food at short intervals. She is always puttering/crying about the house at all hours of the day and night, sometimes with grandpa to accompany her. I'm pretty sure that no thief would be able to break into our house unnoticed, though.

Grandpa (maternal): He drinks, smokes, and is probably certified deaf. Also, he prefers speaking in Taiwanese (a dialect which I can't understand) and always reeks of alcohol and smoke, so Victor and I usually try to stay away from him. We only understand half of what he says, anyway. My mom says that he is just like Victor, actually, just much less talkative. I completely agree with her. You know, they both love watching TV, both hate bathing, and are both probably have ADD.

Grandma (maternal): My favorite grandparent, mostly because she is the most normal out of the four (fusses over me and Victor, for example). She is a member of the Tzu-Chi Foundation, and, of course, got my mom started.

Uncle Leo: My mom's youngest brother. He works at a recording studio (mostly of Chinese versions of Japanese cartoons), and he met his wife (she is a voice actor, and has played a lot of cartoon characters, most notably Keroro. They got married in 2008) at work. He likes all kinds of gadgets (also known as expensive things): cameras, watches, bicycles, electronic things, cell phones...etc.

Lama Tenzin: My mom's younger brother, who's older than Leo. He is a certified Tibetan Buddhist monk, or lama (yes, he spent three years and three months in the monastery, without any contact from the outside world; he's back now, though), and really has a shaved head and wears only red and yellow robes. However, he has, very unfittingly for a monk, a very sharp wit, and never passes up a chance to tease/trick us. He also seems terribly fond of reciting stupid things that I did when I was a small kid (he still hasn't forgotten the time I put a stuffed penguin toy on a pedestal and bowed/prayed to it. It was just the one time, and I was only trying it out! Mom just had to tell him then! He is showing no sign of ever forgetting the incident. Damn.).

Uncle Bill: My dad's older brother. He lives with his family in North Carolina, which is in the States. We haven't seen him or my cousins Timothy and Clement (although we do get Christmas cards from them; Clement's handwriting looks exactly as horrible as Victor's) for a very long time, three or four years, I think. They're all Americans now.

Great-Aunt Zhou: The widow of my paternal grandpa's older brother. Has an unnatural amount of ridiculous problems, loves taking medicine (she can't read or understand properly what the doctors tell her. It's an absolute miracle that she hasn't died from drug abuse yet), hates cleaning (including bathing), eats only a very few things (has bad teeth), has something wrong with her hip bones, it totally paranoid, goes through helpers at an unprecedented rate (well, she mutters darkly if they take showers every day, or if they charge their cell phones in the house, and they have to prepare their own food...she's successfully scared any decent helpers off)...the list goes on and on. Ask Dad. He's the one that has to deal with her. Oh, and Grandma hates her, so we have to be really quiet about mentioning her in front of Grandma.

Folks at Chia-Yi: The family of my paternal grandma. We usually visit them every year or so, during Chinese New Year. They live in Chia-Yi, a city in central Taiwan.