Noumena: Sophie and Oliver

Chapter Eleven: Patients and Patience

Grey and white painted streaks decorated the sky above. Through the safety cage I could see the trees swaying in the wind. I wanted to sway with them. Birds swooped and ducked in between the blossoming trees. Spring was here.  

“Sophie.”

I thought about the man from my dreams, how I wanted to be where he was. I wanted to escape. Last night I had gone into the strange places in my dreams. I’d bathed in the warm water of the lake and had floated on my back, balancing myself with my hands. I’d made a sandcastle in the white sands of the beach. I remember wanting a boat so I could row out to the islands. He hadn’t come but it didn’t matter, anywhere was better than here.

“Sophie, we’ve only got fifteen minutes left and I have to see another patient.”

I looked at my therapist’s face. Her curly blonde hair was thick and matting to one side in the breeze. She had a white blouse with a grey skirt. Her large calf muscles looked funny compared to her skinny ankles. Her shoes were obviously made for comfort rather than appearance. I stared everywhere but her eyes…I didn’t like her judging analysing eyes that watched me always wanting to see the signs, the symptoms that would keep me in hospital. She didn’t know me, she didn’t care, this was her job and I was her work.

“What?” I tried to sound as distant as possible.

“Sophie, you can’t keep escaping into these daydreams, you will become depressed.”

“I thought I was already depressed. That’s what you told me.”

She sighed. “I can’t help you if you don’t open up.”

“What are you going to help me with? Improve my mood somehow? Temporarily straighten out my irrational cognitions? It’s pointless you can’t stop the psychosis. I just want to go home.”

“If we can find a medication that helps you then you may be able to go home, but your outbursts are unpredictable and uncontrollable and until that stops we can’t help you”

Ha ha ha ha ha The bad voice cackled in my mind. I knew it laughed at me. I tried to make it go awake but I was too weak. Even though I’d kept fighting it slowly, I came to believe its lies.

See Sophie… She wants to change who you are with drugs!

The voice had become a companion now. A sort of whispering intrusion in my solitude and isolation. It had become the only voice I could not withdraw from. My hallucinations were getting worse. I imagined I could hear the whispers and thoughts of the people around me. But it was muddled and overwhelming. I could see glimmers of ghosts. My mind was constantly flooded with dark images, twisted faces and people dying. The voice showed me my worst fears coming true. Sometimes I couldn’t see colour I could only hear it. Other times I couldn’t read words only smell them.

“Senses wise, I’m overloaded. We’ve tried the medication. You won’t find a cure. No one ever has. My case is rare and you know it. Are we done?” I gave her a bitter yet knowing look. Her eyes became downcast and defeated. I’d made her feel guilty and pity for me, she also resented my insight and knowledge because she believed it obstructed our therapy. I admired her faith in her occupation.

“Why don’t you try talking to the other patients here, it might help. We’ll talk again tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure, it’s a date,” I said sarcastically. I was starting to become as bitter and cruel as the voice in my head.

Poisoning her is the only way. Then she won’t bother you anymore.

“Shrinks, hey?” A British voice came from behind me. I didn’t look, I didn’t care, I wanted to be left alone. I looked over at the trees again and went back to watching the frolicking birds.