thirty three

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I was eyeing the hospital today. I walked there at my own will, I walked there with this unknown weight hanging off my back, I walked there with my body aching, my bones aching, my heart in pieces. I stood there and I had the urge to come closer, and I was about to take the step.

To ask for help.

But I stopped after I realized.

I realized that my mum would kill me if she finds out I'm going to see a doctor.

She knows they'll ask about the scars and calloused skin under my shirt — and she'll be questioned, and I'll get beat up when we get home.

I took another step back.

You'll kill me if I go.

They'll ask about what happened to me, everything, from the cut on my hip, the nail marks behind my hair, and the never healing bruise on my wrist.

And they won't believe my lie this time.

That's why I don't go.

Everyone wants to kill me.

Everyone wants me to die.

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