By Another Name

Chapter 17.

LOUIS

I'm getting out. I can feel my legs unfold from the truck, and my hand is on the door. And I am getting out of the truck and I can see Denton, and he kind of reaches for my bag to help me so it doesn't drop. My feet are on the ground and I turn and look at her through the cab. And her hands are on the steering wheel, and she's not looking at me.

I asked her only once back at the ranch, as I put a few things into my bag, "Will you come back with me?" because I am not going to beg anyone for anything anymore. And she said "I have to see some patients today," and that was all there was.

But I am looking at her now, and I need something. Anything. Denton takes the bag and walks away towards the SUV.  

I keep staring, because I think I am trying to memorize her.

"Can you look at me please?" I ask. That's just polite. That's not begging. I immediately regret it when she does. The door is still open. I could hop right in and I have no doubt by looking at her, with those eyes hinting at tears and a remarkable sadness, I have no doubt she'd speed off and steal me away.

"Louis, Jesus, c'mon" I hear Denton's annoyed voice float over my shoulder, but it's as if time has been suspended.

She says nothing. "You know where I'll be," I say to her. It sounds strong and confident, and I realize it might be the first lie she's heard from me. I do not feel strong and confident. Already all the shit that creeps into my head is back with full force, and I feel like I am walking away from the only person who truly sees me clearly, and can keep me clear. I can't lie to her.

"If you can't come now, way will be made for you. Denton can text you details and you can come later tonight?" That's not begging either. Just asking a question. Still she says nothing. We are just staring into each others eyes, and I feel like I am stuck in this moment. I am frozen. Denton slaps a hand onto my shoulder, startling me. "Lad, let's go."

"Denton, can we have a moment?" she finally says. And he walks off again.

"I'm afraid," she whispers, "I am a mess. I have a life. Can I please think about it?" I have no idea what to say to that. I am still not sure how she reads my mind and says back to me what I'm thinking, but she does.

"Don't think. Stop thinking. Just be with me."

She reaches her hand out and I touch her fingers and she says nothing. She puts the truck in gear. I close the door, move back and she drives away while I watch. My legs and feet are like cement, and I don't want to go in any direction but towards her. Denton comes back to me.

"I'll keep up with her today, Louis. I'll get her over to the show." It's a empty hollow promise that moves me into the SUV and back towards the world where everyone knows I don't belong. My heart is pounding and my feet are moving and then we are driving and thankfully, I fall asleep.

****

It's a rude awakening. By the noise and the screaming, I can tell the SUV is near the stadium.  Cars are honking at us and chasing us and Denton speeds up and then brakes hard, and I can feel the eyes trying to peer through the tinted glass, and then there's pounding on the car.  Horns are honking and I hear security yelling through bullhorns and I realize I am probably only minutes from sound check and I try to wake up and collect myself.

"Time?"

"4 o'clock...we're late," Denton says. 

"Everyone's here?"

"Yes...Well, Zayn is returning shortly," he says. I grab my phone and text Zayn. "Thank you." I know he is arriving after me for me. Zayn is like that, ready to do what he can to make me look good. And in one way, he has my back and I love him for it. But in another way, it points to and emphasizes my shortcomings.