When I awoke the sun was shining in on me. I never liked the sun. I always loved the dark. It was great. I just hate the nightmares I get every now and again. Well, there's no one in my room. Like always. I was always alone and I hated my life. What's the point? No one cares about me. They all say they do, but do they really? In my darkest moments I don't see anyone stopping me from taking that blade across my skin. That's how I know no one cared about me.
The Friend - Inside the friend's head Part A
I cared. But I wasn't there. I didn't know Rose at this time when she was in the hospital but I knew about the cutting and I would have done anything to help her. It was frustrating being so far away when I felt like I could have helped more if I was actually there in person. Why was I given such a strong love for this young person whom I could only reach through typed words on a page? I'm not used to this.....I couldn't hug her at times when I felt that's what she needed the most. I couldn't hold her and let her cry as long as she needed. I have done this with people, with a type of therapy I do. It's body therapy so it involves a lot of touching and a lot of it is physical, where people release physical stress. But a huge part of it is the working through and releasing of the emotional stuff that's stuck inside.
I couldn't do any of this for Rose cause I'm just words on a screen.
I couldn't see her to see her body language or hear her voice to know where there were pauses or inflections or when something was emphasized. I couldn't see her mannerisms. I saved a lot of pictures she sent me or she posted on her facebook to try to help with those things - a poor substitute for talking to someone in person, but they do help.
I didn't create this love deep inside my heart. It was put there by God. I know it. So, I chose to trust that this was the way we were supposed to communicate and I would do my best with it.
But, may I just add, she's so freaking adorable -- inside and out --it's just hard to love someone so much that I can never see and hug. I reach through the computer screen and send all the love I can, and hope that she can feel it.
Well, I'm going to be here awhile. I wonder how deep I did it this time. I must have blacked out because I don't remember cutting this time. I think I'm getting worse. There's nothing I can do to stop it. I just can't fight it anymore. I put my bed up and called the nurse.
"Yes?''
"Umm, I had a question about my injuries.''
"Do I need to get the doctor?''
"No, I was just wondering how bad they were?''
"Oh,'' She got real rude all of a sudden.
"Well...?''
She walked over to me and picked up my arm. She undid the bandages.
"They were pretty bad. You hit a vein and almost bled out. Luckily we were able to close the vein and stop the bleeding." She kept looking at my arm very creepy like. "Looks like I should change the bandages."
Okay,'' was all I said.
"If you don't mind me asking, why did you do this to yourself? Did you try to kill yourself or...?''
Here we go again. I thought to myself. I hated when I got these questions. Well, I can't really lie can I? I never had before, and no one believed me or listened to me. I won't lie. That's not who I am. I just want someone to hear me and help me... If I could be helped.
''Well, bad first day back to school.''
"Why? What happened?''
"Well, I can tell you I didn't try and take my life this time but it's a long story.''
"I have time.''
"You wouldn't want to listen to a teenager's story why she did this to herself.''
"Yeah, you're right. I don't understand how you guys can do this.''
"Trust me, it's not easy to stop.''
"Okay? Well, if this starts to bleed through call me okay?''
"Yep.''
She left and I went back to boredom. I looked around the room to see that my phone was on the table on the other side of the room. I got up and made sure I could stand. I didn't want to fall. I didn't want to look stupid. I grabbed my IV walker and made my way to my phone. I grabbed it and went back to my bed.
When I sat back down and got comfortable I looked through it. I didn't miss out on anything and no one cared why I wasn't at school. I put my phone down and turned on the TV. Hopefully it can make the time fly by faster? That's when I started watching this show "American Horror Story". It was really good. Before I knew it I was falling back to sleep when the next show came on.
