All Tears Fall Silent

~Chapter 4~

TINY NOTE: this is THE WORST chapter ever!!!! im so sorry!! i just wanted to make a filler so i can get back into this story again!! so sorry for how sloppy it is, im just really tired right now! again, sorry!! i PROMISE next one will be better<3

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*ALEXIS' POV*

Sometimes I just hate everything so much. I hate being at school, I hate being at "home", I just hate breathing. I know I sound selfish, but I just can't help but put the blame of everything on my shoulders... I think a lot of people feel the same way.

I sometimes forget what's considered "normal" or not though. For example: I remember the first time I admitted to myself that I wanted to take my own life, I was 11. It was like all the sudden everything changed, I thought and thought about it for hours. I even told my mom, she shrugged it off.

Why did I suddenly want to disappear into nothing? I mean, everyone feels like that sometimes. But as a kid, literally visualizing myself taking my own life was frightening and new! Just because of that split second I stared at the knife on the counter worryingly, I was different. I was strange.

Now fast forward four years, and here I am, wanting to die every second of every die.

I know, to some people it's ridiculous and selfish and it automatically makes you a freak and ungrateful of everything you have. But you can't.... You can't help it! I mean, I know no one would understand unless They experience the same thoughts, the same way.

I can't look at any sharp object without getting chills and imagining such a sensation that'll have me skipping over to death. Happy as could be.

And THAT is the saddest part! That I know I would be happier that way. Everyone would be happier! Sure, some people would have a hard time in the beginning, blaming themselves or maybe just blaming me. But they say time heals all wounds.. It's proved to be untrue for me; but maybe it could be for those people.

(I don't know why, but I love those final destination movies! They're so clever and twisted, making death merely a person. A person that's everywhere, at all times.)

I think this topic may be getting too depressing so let's back this up a second.

Is anyone else annoyed with the fact that if people focus too much on their future, then they're told to live for the now. But if someone is miserable in the now, they're just supposed to hope for the best in their future. How does that make sense? I get it, it'a supposed to be positive. But when someone is shielded by the sadness they feel, it's too overpowering that positivity merely adds to the pain.

Almost like if you wake up and your rooms all pitch dark except for that annoying gleam of light coming through the window.

I don't even know why I'm here, but I am... So I guess that's all I can focus on for right now.

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"I'm missing your laugh,

How did it break?

And when did your eyes,

Begin to look fake?

I hope your as happy,

As you're pretending.

I'm cuddling clo-" The music playing in my head gets cut off (right at the good part of the song, might I add!)

"Alexis?-" My geometry teacher calls from the middle of his pointless lecture.

"It's Alex." Ugh, I hate when people call me by my full name.

"Yeah, okay. Can you please pay attention?" He asked somewhat nicely so I guess I could; I nod back, and try not to zone out again.

I end up doodling a mug of coffee on my notes, I tried paying attention! I really did! It's just so difficult when your brain's nothing but mush!!!

Nearly the entire class , everyone's whispering to each other. Nothing new there.

I just wish it'd stop though! I just wish I could plug in my earbuds and blast some random song at full blast so I can stop hearing things... I wish my mind would stop manipulating everything in my head..

The bell rings and I head to P.E.

Oh god.