All Tears Fall Silent

~Chapter 3~

*ALEX'S POV*

I don't like being in class.... Hell, who does?! But seriously. I always zone out which causes me to think, I can't listen to music, and i'm stupid. Not by choice, I try as hard as I can but it won't ever be good enough! It frustrates me because kids who don't even study get A's and B's, while I get D's on texts I studied hours for. I know I'm complaining, sorry... But unfortunately for you, you all get to see inside this insanelasyllum (also known as my mind.)

Trust me, my brain is definitely not somewhere you'd want to be! Here in my head I store: numerous wars, fights, black holes, constant sobs, screams, and self-torture. Basically everything I never allow anyone else to see...

At some time in the day, my insanity gets to this point of no return. It's like each time I reach this "point" it's me crossing a border into a foreign land. It's all so unfamiliar to me; and yet, my mental state finds this all very comforting. Don't ask me how it makes sense, because I honestly do not know.

But like I was saying... When I reach this "mental point"... All Hell breaks loose in me. Literally. I imagine decorating fires, endless storms, death of everything that breaks me slight happiness, vicious screams traveling, and violence. A lot of violence. I wish I could lose it like I do in my head. It'd make it a lot easier than bottling it all up...

In this one Linkin Park song, Figure.09, there's a line I often think of. He raps "-put pain on display. But I didn't realize, instead of setting it free. I-I took what I hated and made it apart of me." For some reason that quote really speaks to me in a way. Because sometimes people tend to believe they're ridding themselves of pain by ignoring it. But it's not actually gone. It's still there... All of the anger and hurt. It's just disguised. And, sometimes it's not recognizable at first. Until the feelings are forcefully brought back and you realize they weren't ever gone. They were simply bottled, and stored a way. By the time you notice this, the pain is constantly burned into you. You can't ignore it for a single day of your life. It's always there, right beneath your skin (which reminds me of the song Papercut, also by Linkin Park!! But that's a different meaning, I just like music okay.)

I used to have these really brilliant green eyes. They're hard to explain but they were always so bright and.... Happy. I guess once you get depressed, you find little things to make yourself worse. Maybe some of you can relate?? If not, then i'm not sure how else to explain this.

It's like if you were to get trapped in a deep, dark well. You'd think back to everything like how you miss grass, or sunshine. Or even that little crack in the pavement you used to trip on as a small child. All that seems happy to you, though it most likely wasn't.

Depression is fascinating, in a way. You constantly think back to, "I was so happy! How could I have taken it for granted?" You start to question your smile in old pictures, your friend in first grade that moved away and you never heard from again. And somewhere along the way of losing sane, you manage to wish you could see that friend again. That person you only knew for a few months... You start to tell yourself that if you got that friend back, you'd be happy because everything would be the same in life.

Well guess what! Your happiness never depended solemnly on one thing you remember from the time you were happy. It wouldn't change anything. Because for whatever reason it is, you're not happy. If it's a long-term disorder you've gotten; It's not anyone's fault, or any one event that changed your whole life. It was everything. Every second of every day since the day you were born has led up to this now.

So if I really want to blame the last one of my mom's boyfriends that left, I might as well go back and blame every single one that left. I might as well blame my parents for not loving each other before they conceived me, or blame the fact that they didn't think of the outcomes of their actions. I should blame my druggie grandfather for the mess he made, and never did pick up. I should blame every person i've ever trusted, but shouldn't have. I should blame everything. JUST because it's all the way it is now. Right??? Well, I do. And I don't mean to, and I don't try to.