No One But Me

Chapter 17 - Old Habits

Oscar had expected to leave your doorstep that night feeling lighter and more at peace within himself. He was being truthful when he said that he just needed to confess his feelings to you. He was not expecting some miracle to magically manifest, a dream come to life that you miraculously confessed your own love for him.

He expected to depart with the weighty burden of his emotions no longer torturing him, returning to the lonesome quiet of his room to fall into a dreamless sleep. But instead, Oscar ended up treking back to his home in an almost bewildered state, with questions buzzing around his brain and a disturbing suspicion that something was not right.

He replayed your conversation over and over in his mind, trying hard to recollect the nuances of your body language and your voice, to remember your exact words. You had looked so small and sad standing at the threshold of your door in your pyjamas. Oscar had overheard Troy talking about the poker night at Tommy's earlier that day, so he chose that particular night to come to your door, knowing Joel would be at Tommy's.

Oscar may love you, but he would never encroach on your relationship with someone else. It didn't occur for him to try persuade you to leave Joel, to give him a chance instead - it just wasn't the kind of man Oscar was. Oscar couldn't even feel resentment toward Joel, even if Joel had never mentioned you. It wasn't his business.

Joel. Oscar couldn't believe you had been with Joel for so long. He was shocked, truthfully. He didn't feel betrayed or upset; he only felt disconcerted. Why hadn't you disclosed your relationship to him earlier? Surely you would have declared it if you were happy together, Oscar believed. So just why did you keep it a secret for so long?

Things haven't been good, you had sobbed to him. What exactly did that mean? Was Joel not treating you right?

While working together Oscar had witnessed the range of moods you cycled through. There were many times you appeared sad, so many moments when he had noticed the pensive set of your features while you were lost in some daydream. You had even cried in his arms. Did you not do that with Joel? Did he not comfort you?

Oscar dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets and groaned wearily. Maybe his mind was purposely confusing him; perhaps he wasn't remembering things as accurately as he could have. But there was a gnawing apprehension inside him that he couldn't ignore. And if this apocalypse had taught Oscar anything, it was that gut instinct shouldn't be ignored.

••••••

The night of the argument Joel had stormed out of the dining room and out of the house straight after threatening to kill Oscar, leaving you no chance to debate him. You figured you should wait for the dust to settle and for Joel to cool down before potentially provoking his anger once more, anyway. There was no point in trying to discuss anything with him when he was so agitated; all reasoning seemed to disappear when he was in such a mood. It would have to wait until another day.

You weren't capable of rationally arguing with him, anyway. Your gut was a knotted mass of anxious despair to think of Oscar being in danger, to think that you were now completely trapped into being with Joel not just for Ellie but also for Oscar's safety.

You went to bed alone that night and cried into your pillow. You spent a long time tossing and turning in the sheets, the muscles all through your body far too tense for you to relax enough to fall asleep. You tried to read some more of your book but you couldn't concentrate on the words on the page.

Joel really thought you had cheated on him, had betrayed him somehow. But what was wrong with two friends meeting for lunch once in a while? It's not like you knew Oscar had such deep feelings for you at the time; infact you had been quite blind to the depth of his affection. You had always felt so unworthy of anything good in life that the idea of Oscar actually loving you was never something you'd ever considered before. Why would someone so pure and beautiful want you like that?