Lost In Paradise

Chapter 15

***

Do you know the worst part about grief? It's not the moments of fond memories that suddenly grip you at random moments of the day. It's not even that gut-punching moment when you suddenly see their picture, or remember what they smelled like or the sound of their laughter.

The worst part about grief is those few seconds when you forget that the person is gone, and in that short moment, all is right with the world once again.

And then you remember they're gone, and reality brings you crashing back down to earth.

Three days after Saudat passed away, Amina counted the number of times she spontaneously burst into tears. It was thirty one times, and after the last one, she felt like her tears had dried up completely. But then she would forget what happened and find herself strolling towards Saudat's room, only to freeze in the hallway when she remembered that she was gone, and then break down in a fresh round of tears.

She hadn't felt this sort of grief in a long time, not even during that fateful day when her world was turned upside down. Losing Saudat was the most painful thing she ever had to deal with, especially after they had just started to rebuild their relationship.

"It should have been me," Amina kept saying to herself, over and over again whenever she thought about it. Saudat had been driving her car, and apparently she had an accident because there was a fault with the brakes. If she had been the one driving at the time, then she would be the one in the grave right now, not her sister.

Why did this have to happen to her? Was her life doomed to be nothing except a string of unfortunate events that would inevitably lead her to the grave? Could nothing go right in her life?

Amina sat in the hallway and cried until it felt like her throat was being ripped out of her body. She cried until it felt like she had squeezed every ounce of water from her body, and then she curled up into a ball right there and cried some more.

That was how Aslam found her, trembling on the cold tiles as she sobbed silently. He stared blankly at her through his bloodshot eyes, and for a moment, he considered turning around and walking away. The last few days had been nothing but agony, after all. And he didn't want to have another emotional conversation with anyone in the family. Saudat's death had hit them hard, and everyone was still reeling from it.

But he couldn't just leave Amina lying down in the floor like that. Drawing in a breath, he made his way towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder, causing her to flinch.

"You shouldn't stay here," he said. "Go back to your room."

Amina didn't say anything, but she also didn't move. Aslam shook her gently, checking to see if she had fallen asleep.

"Mina, you can't stay here," he said. "What if someone finds you here? Aunty Amal and the others are downstairs. What if they come upstairs and see you here?"

"I don't care," she said.

"Well I do," he said. "There are already whispers about how you didn't cry when Abba passed away. They'll think there's something wrong with you."

"Let them," she snapped. "I don't give a damn about any of them."

Aslam sighed before he settled down beside her, still leaving his hand on her shoulder. He stared up at the ceiling silently, lost in his own thoughts as a gaping emptiness enveloped his heart. Neither he nor Amina made any attempt to say anything, and they just sat there in silence and listened to the sound of each other's breathing.

Somewhere downstairs, he could hear their mother exchanging pleasantries with some guests who had just arrived. Their conversation bounced off the walls and into the hallway, where he could hear them saying "May Allah forgive her and grant her the highest rank in Jannah."