~An Imperial Affliction~

The Rainy Day

June 7th, 2011 ~

Have you ever been woken up to a thought? You may have fluttered your eyes open and started to think about your husband or whatever you're going to eat for breakfast. But as for me,  as my eyes open, every single time, I think "I have cancer".

It's been that way ever since my ears have heard that strange word, "cancer". When the cancer went away, I feared more then anything that it would come back. If I had he slightest headache or a sniffle, I would think that it had come back for another round. At least I don't have to worry anymore. I know it's back and I am aware that it's going to stay. I just wish that cancer didn't control my life. That cancer wasn't the only thing on my mind every second of the day, three hundred and sixty-five days of the year.

Ha! I believe I have repeated the word "cancer" so much that it has lost its own meaning! I tend to have that strange ability to repeat words so much that after so many times the word doesn't even seem like a word anymore. Words are strange to me. I feel like we don't pay enough attention to what each word means. How it sounds and how many syllables there are and such. I often find myself pondering this. How each word was given to suit that subject perfectly.

As I slowly revealed my eyes after hiding them behind my eyelids, I yawned and thought "I am Anna Rose Feldman. Sixteen years young, and I have acute lymphoblastic leukemia, other known as cancer." I rub my eyes and gaze out my window and pretend that I am painting the beautiful scenery of my mothers sweet, humble garden.

Small water droplets covered my view from my window however. Very quietly I could hear the rumbling of thunder as well. Most people dislike rain. I am one of those people, but then again I'm not. The rain make me feel depressed. As rain should. Rain just makes you feel sad. But, as the sadness takes over, I tear up and may begin to weep. It feels good to cry. As much as you may discourage that feeling, it has to be there and without it, who knows how we would all be like. Once you are done sobbing, you start to feel relaxed and calm in a way that you can never be unless you have just been crying.

I watched the rain fall and started to think about my life. My story. As much as I attempt to avoid my life, that morning, I wanted to. I wiped a tear from my left eye as I looked back on everything that has happened in this past year. I began to think that this may be my last year as well. I needed this moment to myself. As the water from the gray, puffy clouds fell.

I sniffed and then smiled. I let out a long sigh and stood up and I turned to my crystal white closet doors. My finger tips had just barely touched the handle, I stopped and walked away from them. Today was a day when I could just stay in my pajamas all day and be all to myself and stare at the beautiful, sadness of the rain.