~An Imperial Affliction~

My (Cancer) Friend

April 25th, 2011~

My mother always said that cancer could either bring a person's relationships closer together or farther apart. Unfortunately in my situation, my social life has completely demolished due to the frequently tedious doctors appointments. Mater of fact, I am more often laying in a hospital bed than my own -- I may as well move in the damn place.

Typically, friends, family, and even the weird neighbors whom you've never spoken to before, will visit you in one of the worst places in the world when your health is even worse than the place. Yet in my case, my visitors are nonexistent. The closest interaction I've had with a person other than my mother and the medical staff is a text message from a classmate who I was unaware had my phone number.

"Hello Anna, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Ashley Brown; we had algebra together freshman year. Long time no chat! I'm sorry that your cancer came back and that you have been out of school for a week, but some would call you lucky since you won't be forced to participate in gym or even attend these idiotic classes/assemblies. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon!!"

I was so delirious after receiving the harsh chemo, I wasn't sure if I even read the message. Unfortunately, my eyes were functioning correctly, and I did in fact read one of the most absurd things a person could send to a girl with cancer.

At the time, the only thing I could do was fantasize of returning to school. To be completely honest, I would do anything just to participate in the pep rallies that make your ears bleed, and to listen to the pathetic band concerts, and to root for my classmates even though they are getting their butts kicked from another school in their sport games -- the things that any other student dreads. But the main reason I want to go back to my sophomore year, is so I could be, living normally again, and that would mean that my body would normal as well. However, my immune system is extremely vulnerable; one minor cough could possibly have the power to kill me, whereas a healthy person wouldn't even have to fear death by illness for years. Lucky me.

Speaking of death, I feel that I am no longer terrified. Because I am not truly living; I'm dying. Throughout  my first diagnosis, I needed to have a daily crying session alone in some room, praying to God that I would beat cancer once and for all. The difference between  my past self and present self is that currently my brain is at the "screw it" point where I do not care if survive or die anymore.

When being confided in a room with nothing but a window, an uncomfortable bed, and a crappy television, I had a lot of time to think. I thought about anything really.

I still find it so unwholesome that humans live their separate lives without even knowing how another lives. At this exact moment, someone is dying, someone is being born, and another is laughing, while another is weeping. And in this world full of life, there is more than likely another sixteen year old girl, possibly named Anna, living life normally, not having time to think of how another lives. 

If my DNA was slightly changed, I may have been able to continue to act childish without caring if I was making a fool of myself. Believe it or not, my regular conversations between my friends would be similar to, "Would you rather become a squirrel for the rest of your life or result to cannibalism?" And I would answer by saying something absurd such as, "I'd definitely become a squirrel since I'm already nuts!" Now those ridiculous exchange of words seems to be the

I have realized that people aren't afraid not of me, but for me. They do not wish to hurt my feelings or to put too much weight on my shoulders, yet they would be better off acting normal around me instead of talking with high pitched voices as if they were speaking to a child or puppy.