~An Imperial Affliction~

My Future

May 29th, 2011~

Everyone dies. I began to realize this

I had pictured my life so perfectly. I knew I was going to get married, maybe have a baby or two, and I'd have a nice house.I always wanted to be an artist. I could draw beautiful pictures for hours. I drew all kinds of things but, I loved to draw flowers mostly. I learned on my own but, I'm not half bad. I wanted to take classes and learn so much more but, unfortunately we didn't have that kind of money. Drawing just gave me comfort and relaxation from whatever life was growing at me.

I try to stay positive. I really do, as much as I can. It's a tough thing to do. My mother believes that I will be fine, she believes that her husband will come back, and she believes that their is a life after death.

Now, don't call me an unbeliever quite yet. I do believe in something. A God of some sort. Otherwise, what's the purpose of living. If there is a heaven, I don't imagine it with streets of gold and angles play harps everywhere, but I imagine it just like Earth. Only difference is that there will be no suffering. Everything will be perfect. No one would be superior to the other, we would be equal.We all have different opinions though. Maybe Heaven is only what you imagine it to be.

Anyway, I know it's silly but, I already knew what my husband would look like. He would be tall with long, flowing blonde hair. His eyes would be a beautiful dark green to remind me of summer days laying down on the grass. He would be strong and his strength would make up for my own. He would be funny but, sensitive when he needed to be. I still imagine him.

I don't like to think that I am dying but, sometimes you have no choice but to accept it. I shaved my head today. I looked at myself in my vanity—seeing my pale skin that looked almost gray and under my eyes were bags colored dark purple. And to top it all off, I had no one single hair on my head. I had even lost my eyebrows. I realized that if I die, it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't even need a funeral, since no one would come. I wished that I could have made my life something more. I would be remembered and loved by many people and my life would've been perfect in my eyes. But sadly, that's. It how life works.
That's what I have to learn.
No matter what, pain and suffering will always be here. It's what makes life, life. We need pain like we need air to breath or water to drink. We need it to live and to die. No death is painless but, some deaths are greater than others. I hope I go peacefully though, In sleep maybe. I couldn't imagine to see my mom crying over my bedside, then I would sob too as I'd struggle to breath, gasping for air to live another day but, fail to. I could only hope for the best but, After all, pain demands to be felt.