Me before you

chapter 30

As February pushed into March and the first windy hints of spring crept into the fresh Maine air, Y/n readjusted to life without Sana.

Or tried, at least.

She was discharged from the hospital the two days after it happened, with a fresh set of medication and a wound that none of it could touch. Everything after Sana left seemed like something out of a dream. Like none of it was even real. She tried to remember, but it kept slipping away.

Her parents showed up maybe an hour after. They'd both seemed confused as to why Sana wasn't there. Y/n had to explain. She didn't cry – there was a weird tight lump in her throat and a pounding in her head but she spoke the words numbly, without so much as a quiver in her voice.

She went home. Life went on.

Marco cooked breakfast and cracked bad jokes even he couldn't laugh at. Sarah made tea and weeded the garden. The daffodils were coming into flower again outside her bedroom window, bright yellow heads bobbing in the breeze. There were always birds in the sky, hopping around the feeders. The tree at the end of the garden was starting to bud. They installed a ventilator at the annex. She hadn't used it yet, no matter how hard it was to breathe. That was a different problem.

Y/n went back to work – sort of. She was on a part time contract. Mostly, she just sat around the sheriff's station filing reports through the voice command on the computer. Unsurprisingly, it didn't feel as good as she thought it would have a few weeks ago.

It felt good, sure. There were times she sat there and she almost felt normal, strong and ordinary and in control again. She could throw herself into the work, get distracted for a few hours. And there were times she couldn't.

But that was about something else entirely. Something she couldn't get rid of with a few pills and a trip to Dr. Song's.

Y/n hadn't seen her in weeks, but Sana was everywhere she looked.

When she looked out the window as she and her dad drove to work, she'd pass the jewellery store off Main Street and remember laughing in the rain after they bought her mom her birthday present. When her mom bought tea out to the annex she got a weird empty feeling in the pit of her stomach and it tasted like nothing, because Sana used to do that.

When she tried to watch TV, all she could think of was Sana grabbing her hand when they watched that movie.

When she went to sleep at night, the side of the bed that belonged to Sana was cold.

God, the nights were the worst. Y/n rarely slept, instead laying on her back in the dark and staring at the ceiling til morning. Sometimes she fell into a leaden, dreamless sleep and woke more tired than she was before. Still, that was better than when she did dream. When she dreamed, she remembered.

Sana, cutting her hair in front of the bathroom mirror. Sana, crying in the Christmas lights with snow in her hair, because she was happy. Sana, laughing. Sana, rolling her eyes. Sleeping on her chest, touching her hair, letting down her walls, dancing with her and making everything else go away. Sana, smiling. Sana; coming in through the cracks every time she let her guard down. Sana, leaving. Sana, hurt.

Because of me.

She tried to tell herself it was for the best, that she'd have only been more hurt if she'd stayed with her. She tried. But sometimes she couldn't help wondering... Whatever.

Most of all, she wondered if Sana missed her like she missed Sana. Y/n sighed, staring at the empty space on the windowsill where the picture of the two of them at the Christmas fair used to stand. She hoped not.