The Tortured Poets Department

Treacherous

I went home to Sweden soon after that. Alexia and I were in constant contact. We called almost every day and when I had been I Barcelona she always visited and helped me unpack all the furniture. She gave me advice on where to place everything and what worked together and what didn't.

We also did a lot less talking and spent a lot of time making out. But we never crossed that line, and I was thankful for that. Of course, things got heated sometimes, but we stopped before having sex. I wanted to wait until it felt right, and Alexia accepted that. She would wait until I was ready, and I appreciated her for that.

Back in Sweden, not everything was going to plan. My mother's health was rapidly declining, and the six months looked more like three.

My mom passed away on a warm September evening. I was sitting right beside her, with her hand in mine, as she took her last breath. That was the first time I cried about it. I hid my tears for her, but now when she would never wake up again, I couldn't keep them in.

I called Beth as soon as she passed. About a month ago she had found out her mother's cancer was back and that it wouldn't be cured. I was the first person she called. She knew I would understand what she was going through, and I was more than happy to talk to her about it. I don't know how many nights I spent just crying on the phone with her.

"She passed Beth" I cried as she picked up. "I'm sorry. How are you handling it?" Beth asked. "Not well, I don't know what to do without her. What am I supposed to without her?" I told her desperately. "You are supposed to live. It will be hard, sad, and difficult. Your loss will consume you some days, but you will survive. You have people to talk to and I am always going to be here for you, just like you are always here for me" Beth explained.

I spent the next hour just talking to Beth. We talked about how my mom was as a person and we also talked about June. It was nice to have someone who understood what I was going through. Beth was kind and she was a great listener. She made me feel better and reassured me that I would survive, and that the grief would be easier to live with as the time passed. The best part of our conversation was when her girlfriend Vivianne walked inside.

The three of us continued our conversation until I was forced to leave my mom's room. That was when I called Alicia and asked her to release the song I wrote for my mom, 'Soon You'll get better'. Not today, and not tomorrow, but in the next week or so. I needed the song out. It was a testament to my grief and the love I had for my mom. Great love comes with pain. And with the loss of my mother came an unbearable pain. If love could have saved her, she would have lived forever. The world doesn't work like that and it's the worst thing imaginable.

The next person I called was Alexia. She reassured me that everything would be okay and promised me to make the trip to Sweden for the funeral. I wanted her here with me now, but I was too scared to tell her that, too insecure.

I stayed in Sweden for two weeks. I cleaned out my mother's old apartment and planned her funeral. It was tough to do alone.

During these two weeks I made two posts on Instagram. A post dedicated to my mom and her passing. And a second post dedicated to my newly released song. Alexia was one of the first people to comment. It was nothing special, but still caused speculation from the fans. Not that she cared, she had made that clear. She wanted to be with me, even though it would never give her peace.

I picked Alexia up from the airport. She wasn't the only one who made the journey. I had also picked Beth up from the airport earlier that day. She was adamant to support me during this difficult time and I knew I would do the same thing when her mom passed.

It was awful to know that at twenty-five, my mom was dead. She was supposed to see me have children, be there at my wedding, and grow old. She would never be older than fitty-five, she never even got to retire.