Subject-59

chapter 20

“It's not safe for you to be around me. That's why I've pushed you away. why I've refused to show myself… when I saw what I had done to you. while you lay there dying right before my very eyes, my entire being twisted, my heart ached and I was overcome by such a disgusting feeling unlike anything I had ever felt before.” 

s-59 lifted his hand to his face clawing at the seams of his mouth. “It was worse than any pain I had ever experienced. it reached so deep it was as if my very being was getting torn apart. the anguish the guilt…it was all too much for me. I felt weak and useless!”

he whined painfully as he pulled his hand away from his face to then place it over my chest. “Even when I fixed you, kept you from dying, it still hurt, like I had been mortally wounded. it lessened over time but each moment I thought of how you would react when you awoke, each moment I thought that you would come to despise or fear me, that ache grew worse. 

I made the choice to make you forget about the experience because I didn't want to feel that pain anymore. I hurt you, and then I manipulated your memories all for the sake of making myself feel better…yet even now I still feel it, like a phantom pain, forever haunting me, reminding me of my mistake! I am undeserving of your friendship Ava.”

he finally pulled away to sit back on his haunches as he grabbed at his head. “I am a monster.” a pained sound came from his mouth as the seams disappeared and he kept his eyes on the floor.

sitting upright I stared at the creature before me in bewilderment. After a moment I got to my feet and he hesitantly lifted his head only to be shocked when I hugged him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “You are wrong. you feel pain, remorse, fear, guilt and shame. you make mistakes– you care! That's what separates you from a wild beast!” He sat there frozen as I hugged him tighter and tears welled in my eyes. 

“You are more human than half the people in this forsaken bunker! you are a far better friend than anyone could ever hope for…” his tense posture seemed to relax as his tail curled around my feet and he closed his eyes.

We stayed like that for a long while before I eventually pulled away, feeling exhausted. S-59 opened his eyes to stare at me as I lowered myself back down to my knees. “feeling better?” I asked with a half smile.

“the pain has lessened… Your words and touch have lifted the weight upon my body.” tilting his head at  me he then reached up towards my aching face and ever so slightly grazed his claws over my skin making me flinch away and grab my arm. 

his eyes widened at my reaction and moved between my arm and cheek. “Your skin is changing color, and your arm is bleeding? did i–” his entire body seemed to flinch back as he recoiled, fearing he was the one responsible for my injuries. 

“n-no! it wasn't you! I was– I got hurt before I even came in here…” my voice trailed off and instinctively my arms wrapped around my body as I lowered my head. ‘I shouldn't have come in here like this, I shouldn't have shouted at him and gotten angry when he had nothing to do with this.’

“Ava…how– who did this to you?” He moved closer, seeming reluctant to touch me while also wishing to get a better look. 

“It's fine, it's not a big deal! it was an accident!” I tried to reassure him. He had enough to deal with, the last thing I wanted was to burden him with my own problems. “I can hardly feel it so please don't worry about me.” 

I clasped s-59's giant claw with my own hands and he seemed to squirm slightly as his tail whipped around, seemingly bothered by the fact I was hurt. it made me smile knowing that such a creature could care about someone like me but it also made my chest ache in guilt for making him worry.