traded my life [TWD]

『34』

"Let's have a contest between Glenn and Hyejin- who's face gets redder?" Daryl proposes, pouring a glass of wine.

Glenn laughs, but I just stay silent. The group continues to laugh and talk with joy.

I was sitting on the bar counter. I pull a knee up to my chest and wrap my arm around it, watching them. My eyes cut to the doors, looking for a way out. But, I was stuck.

I look at Doctor Jenner, the man who let us in. He was the only one left of the entire CDC. That just felt like a bigger red flag to me.

Jenner looked like me.

Silent.

Alone.

Stuck.

I hop off the counter, feeling like the room was closing in. I planned to sneak past everyone in their partying mode, but Jenner grabs my wrist.

"There's showers in the corridors, just go easy on the hot water. Cots are in storage if you'd like," he whispers.

At the statement, I wonder if he also felt the same way I did. Did he see me looking silent, alone, and stuck?

"Thanks," I respond shortly. 

Rick taps some silverware on his wine glass for a toast. I hurry out as quietly as possible, leaving unnoticed.

--

I knew I was probably the biggest buzzkill ever as I sat with Carl, Sophia, and Carol. The kids were playing board games while Carol and I sat on the couch.

"Want a drink?" Carol asks, holding up the wine bottle.

"I'm nineteen," I remind Carol.

"Something tells me that age has never stopped you," she says with a smile.

"Shit," I comment, grabbing the bottle from her. "You're right."

I don't open the bottle. I wouldn't drink with Carl in the room.

"Thanks," I tell her.

"Can't bring myself to have more than a sip," she admits. "Ed was the drinker. Not me."

I toy with the paper around the cork of the bottle.

"Are you all right?" Carol asks. 

"Tired," I say, not a lie but not the whole truth.

"Claustrophobic? Like me?"

"Wasn't before. I think I'm getting there, though."

"You can talk to me," she promises. "It's safe."

I lean my head back on the couch and stare at the lights in the ceiling.

"Feel trapped," I admit. "I feel.. not safe."

"This is the safest we've ever been," Carol reminds.

"Maybe that's why."

"Lori and I.. back at the camp," I recall. "I told her that the pain and abuse I went through made me feel safe because it was all I knew. I guess that became true with the world as a whole."

Carol pats my knee. "I get that. More than anyone."

I puff out a breath, knowing she was right. While others might find it hard to agree, I knew Carol understood my past more than anyone. Maybe even more than Shane.

"I didn't mean to air out your dirty laundry in front of everyone. I'm sorry. That was a shitty thing to do," I apologize. She must have felt embarrassed crying in front of everyone as Ed was in a beaten pulp.