feelings

ｄｒｅａｍｓ

𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐:  𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝙴𝚢𝚎𝚜

"I don't know how it even started. One day I came into class after waking up from the strangest dream of one of my classmates. I looked at him, only to find that he was already staring at me.

Why is he staring at me like that? And why do I enjoy it?

Maybe I shouldn't have thought that. Because now I wish that he was staring at me like that again. Even though I know that he won't ever look at me the same way again, I want him to look at me like that one last time. I may be an attention seeker, but that's only for him. I want his attention. I want him staring into my soul, to the point that it makes me uncomfortable.

I miss catching him looking at me. Now, I only catch myself looking at him after I told myself that I don't like him anymore.

Truth is, I'm not over it. I haven't been over it for the past one and a half years. Ever since he appeared in my dream on a random Wednesday night, I could never just see him as a simple classmate. Ever since that dream, I want him to be next to me. I want to be in his arms. I want to shower him with love. I want to compliment him every second of the day, in case he doesn't realize how beautiful he is. I want to go out on late night walks with him. I want to kiss him.

I want him.

Him and him only. He's the most beautiful guy I've seen in my entire life. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but he's genuinely very good looking. 

Or maybe he does realize it, and that's why he got over me so quickly. He realized that he could do so much better than me. He realized that he had chances with so many other pretty girls. Girls that are way prettier than me. He realized that he was one of the popular boys, and he can't be seen with a girl that isn't well known in her grade. He realized that he needed to upgrade his taste because a girl like me has no value compared to the popular girls. He realized that I was just a basic, unpopular, weird girl that only has three very close friends.

And I've also realized, that he's just another one of those popular boys. The boys that know they're cute and they can pull any girl they want. The boys that have a high kiss count and dating history. The boys that talk to a million girls. The rude, arrogant boys that think they're on top of the world. He's just another one of them, and I know it. 

So then why did I convince myself that he was any different?

I wanted to believe that he was this completely different, nice, thoughtful, handsome guy. That's the version of him that I created in my head, because I've barely talked to him to know enough about him. And that's why I made myself believe he was completely different to what he actually was. And when I found out what kind of guy he actually was, it shattered my hopes. 

What do you mean that the guy I thought that was nice and humble is actually an arrogant, selfish boy? 

He's just like every other boy, and I know it. So am I upset because the version of him that I created in my head is not the same as the real life version of him?

Maybe it really is my fault then. It's my fault for not realizing sooner that I had no chance with a guy so cute, and popular. So tall and muscular. So flawless and athletic. It's time that I realize my own self-worth. Rooting for a guy that doesn't give two fucks about me isn't going to get me far. I should focus on my studies and grades, so that even if I don't have a successful relationship, at least I have a successful future. 

I tell myself this every time I'm on the verge of tears over him. It's not worth wasting tears over a guy that is probably happily texting the love of his life in his bed. It's not worth worrying about a guy that you're probably going to forget about in a few years.

Yet, I still go back to him every time. Hoping and hoping that he might like me back again one day. So what's the ending for me? What's the conclusion?

I'm insecure and I don't have self-respect."

-me at 11:00pm on a Friday night

772 words