feelings

ｉｎｎｅｒ ｔｈｏｕｇｈｔｓ

𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐'𝚜 𝙽𝚎𝚠 ~

"I love every single thing about him. 

His eyes.

His smile.

His lips.

His teeth.

His nose.

His body.

Everything.

He's not fat or ugly. He's not undeserving of love. No matter how much my friends insult him, even if I laugh and agree with them, I know that deep down he's the most beautiful guy I have ever laid eyes on. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that he doesn't look at me the way I look at him. He doesn't feel the same things that I feel for him. Maybe he did last year, but he doesn't anymore. Should I be happy that he liked me back at one stage?

He liked me first. He fell for me first. And after I fell for him, he lost feelings. To him, I was just a little crush - a phase that passed. To me, he's the only person that goes through my mind all day. Anything I do, and wherever I go, he follows me around. 

I want to get over him. I want to believe that it's just a phase. I want to believe that it's not love. It's not my first love, because we're just teenagers, and teens can't fall in love. It never lasts. But even though it might not last forever, I know that I will always remember his name. Even if we don't have a future together, I know that he's the guy that I will be talking about if my kids ask me about my first love. He's the guy that I'll tell my kids about when they're going through their first heartbreak. 

I know that he doesn't feel the way I do. But I don't want to believe it. I don't want him to get over me even if he already has. Because in my head, I still have hope. Hope that he still has something in his heart left for me. But in my head, I also know that it's never going to be true. I know that he's already over me. But I still don't want to accept it. I'm in denial because it breaks my heart to think that he doesn't think about me. 

Even if I would ignore him and pretend he doesn't exist, in the corner of my eye I noticed him. I saw the things he would do. The things he would talk so passionately about. I admired his confidence. Even if I tell my friends that I'm getting over him, I know that it's going to take me a very long time, because this man is the only guy I've genuinely liked so much in my entire life.

I realize that I only like him because I don't know enough about him to stop liking him. If I knew more about the kind of person he was before I started liking him, I would get over him quickly. But here I am, finding out more than a year later.

And still, I don't like him any less.

Even when all the red flags are laid out in front of me, I choose to ignore them and continue liking him. I guess that's how I know this is my first love. No matter what he does, I don't find it embarrassing. I don't find it icky. I don't think it's a reason to let go of him. It's unhealthy, I know.

But I can't let go.

"You have to let him go."

That's what they say to me.

"You can do so much better than him."

"He's ugly."

"He's fat."

"He doesn't even know you exist."

I know. I hear it every day. But I still like him. More and more. To the point that it drains me. I could write pages and pages over him. That's how much I love him. I'm stuck. I love him so much that I cried to my mum about him. I cried to my best friend about him. I cried to my pillow and bed about him. I even cried to God about him. Even if I get over him eventually, I know that deep down there will always be a part of me that will be waiting for him in case he comes back.

I sound so stupid. It's embarrassing. I have no self-respect. Yet, I'm here falling for him every day. I defended him when my friends called him ugly. When my mum called him fat. When he got an ugly haircut. I defended all the bad things he did because I love him. I don't know how a guy like him ever liked a girl like me.

I have so many flaws but he doesn't. Maybe others can see them, but I can't. Because in my eyes, he's perfect. His beautiful eyes. His well sculpted face. His jawline. His nose. His smile. Everything. 

I liked him before he was considered good-looking. Now, everyone is after him. But I saw potential in him before all of them. I liked him before all of them did. I wish I could tell him everything I'm writing here. I want to confess, and even if I get rejected, at least it will give me motivation to finally let go.

To him, I was just a chapter in his life. To me, he was an entire book."

-from my notes app. (and it's not even the whole thing)

879 words