Please Try Again//ONC 2024

4. Home

"You okay in there?" Beth's worried voice pulled me out of my artistic haze, and I frowned at my newest creation. The white paint on the white background felt gratuitous but necessary, and the red and black splashed around the middle was almost cathartic to paint. The nightmares had kept me from sleeping the whole night, so I had chosen to paint. It wasn't unusual for me to have a frenzied night or two of painting, especially back in school when I had projects and deadlines. But this was the third night I had chosen not to go home and to paint here instead, with my phone on silence.

I couldn't articulate why I was avoiding my parents. Maybe I was just afraid I wouldn't be able to keep it together if I saw them alive. Rationally, I should have sped to their home, embracing them and telling them how much I loved them. Instead, I painted horrific scenes of blood on snow alone in my studio, as if trying to exorcise demons before seeing them again.

"Mom call?" I asked as I opened the door, trying to hide my worry with a sardonic smile.

"No, but she did slily mention that she hopes you will come home for dinner tonight after one of our meetings."

"Is it Thursday?"

"Yep, Thursday Family Dinner night. You have about an hour to clean up and change before you have to leave." Beth pushed me toward my bathroom but stopped as she passed my painting.

"This feels different," she said, leaning closer to the painting as if the nearness would make her understand it more. "You don't usually like painting this abstractly," she added.

"I know. It's just an image that has been bothering me lately. I thought painting it would force it to leave me alone."

"Hmm, looks creepy. Maybe go the other way. Paint something happy instead." Beth turned away from the painting and continued to push me toward my ensuite.

"Maybe I will when I can get away from my parents again. I think I'll be grounded after so many days away."

She ignored the comment and rolled her eyes slightly, knowing I had likely never been grounded. "Have you at least told your mom about what happened?"

"I called Dad. He tells her everything," I assured her. Though Beth had a great relationship with my mom, I was closer to my dad. He had been the one who showed up to parent conferences, cheered me at competitions, and explored art museums with me while Mom had been busy creating an empire. I loved both of them dearly, but I felt more comfortable around Dad.

"You hurt her feelings when you do that, you know," Beth said quietly, a hand on the shoulder to gentle her accusation.

"I know, she's just so hard to talk to sometimes." I laid my hand on hers and enjoyed the moment. I hadn't realized until that moment that Beth was the peace I had looked for for five years with Tim. No one made me feel as accepted and seen as Beth did.

"Everything good takes effort, Nicole, including relationships with your parents."

"Wow, thanks, I won't need therapy now." I had to lighten the moment. I had to get rid of the grief that threatened to take over my soul again. This was a new life, and I wouldn't spend it regretting my stupidity before.

"Oh, shut up and get dressed. Your mom invited me to join you so you would go home. And you know I hate being late," Beth teased as her hand slipped off my shoulder, and she stepped through the door again.

I laughed and closed the door on her pretend astonished face. Her final words had lifted another weight from my chest. It was good Beth would be at dinner with me. This would be my first time seeing Lisa since the accident, and I wasn't looking forward to it at all.