You're Already Mine

Chapter Twenty-One

TW: ED talk, mentions of minor SH+passing out

I'm on the porch again, and it's quarter to eleven. The crickets are chirping and the moon shines down on the cabin. My finger is hovering over the green Call button. Eventually, I press it, hold the phone up to my ear, and listen to it ring.

"Hey," Sernie says.

I let out a sad sigh mixed with relief. "Hey," I echo.

I can almost see him worriedly scrunching his eyebrows on the other end. "Are you alright?"

"Yes and no."

"What's up?"

"Well.. um.."

"If you want to tell me, of course."

I smile. "Clover, um, passed out today at the museum. So. Yeah."

"Oh."

A beat.

"Is she okay?"

"Right now, I think so. She was sleeping when I left our bedroom."

"Okay. That's good."

I let out a breath. "Yeah."

"Wait. Bedroom?"

"Yeah, didn't I mention we're at camp right now?"

"Oh, yeah, you did. Sorry."

"No, it's fine!" I assure him. I let out another sigh, and then my voice quiets down. "I wish you were here right now."

"Trust me, I wish I was there with you, too."

I hear something clatter in the kitchen and turn around, expecting to see Lucas. Instead, it seems Ms. Kendra is making a midnight snack.

"Um, I might have to go for a bit," I whisper into the phone.

"Oh, okay. I'll call you back in the morning?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Love you."

"Love you too," he says.

I hang up and notice that Ms. Kendra has seen me. She's in a black hoodie and Hello Kitty pajama pants and her black glasses, and her hair is in a messy bun. She comes out onto the porch with me.

"I noticed you were out here and thought I might check on you," she says, stretching in the late night air.

"I'm fine." It's only then that I notice I'm crying, because the wind feels colder against some spots on my face than others. I wipe my eyes.

"Are you sure?" she asks softly, and just the gentleness of her voice makes me cry harder. She walks over to where I sit, sits herself down next to me, and gives me a hug.

"It's okay," she says while I cry into her hoodie.

About a minute later, we pull apart.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

So then I start telling her everything about Clover, like a rapidly flowing river breaking past a dam. About how she told me her mom was abusive, how she was hitting herself that night at the beach, and now, how she hardly eats.

"You're sixteen. This is probably a lot for you to handle, especially if it's all on your own. I can understand if you're stressed."

I nod.

"I can help you keep an eye on her, if you like."

"Lucas and Sernie are already helping me, but that would be great," I say, sniffling.

"Sernie?"

"He's been my best friend for over ten years, going on eleven."

She nods. "And Lucas is your brother, right?"

"Yeah."

She nods again understandingly. "I'm glad you have people helping you look after her. I understand if you're worried about her. I would be, too, especially since she just passed out today. I didn't see her eat any breakfast."

"She didn't have breakfast, but I packed a couple protein bars for her in case she got hungry later."

"That was very kind of you."

I give this kind of weird half-smile, which she seems to notice, because her brow is furrowed even more.

"Is there something else on your mind?" she asks softly.

"Earlier, at breakfast, I told Clover that I wasn't mad, she was safe, no one was going to hurt her, she didn't need to punish herself for anything."

"Punish herself?"

"That night. It was the night of the day we met. We were at the beach and she started hitting herself, and saying something about how stupid she was. I still don't know what she meant."

I hear something from inside the cabin, so I look in the window and Clover is there, watching us. She quickly bends down for something, and then exits the room. I turn back around and continue talking. "Sernie and Lucas both said the best thing to do was just be there for her."

"And I agree."

Just then, Clover opens the door. "Hey," she says.

"I'll leave you two to talk, alright?" Ms. Kendra says. She whispers in my ear, "You got this" with a pat on my back as she gets up and goes inside. Before she closes the door behind her, she gives me a wink and I smile weakly.

Clover looks briefly at Ms. Kendra as she goes inside, and then turns back to me. Clover comes to sit next to me on the edge of the porch.

"So, what's up?" she asks.

I hesitate, not knowing what to say. "I just couldn't sleep," I say eventually.

She nods.

"What about you?"

"Same. I also saw you and Ms. Kendra out here and was wondering what you were talking about."

I nod, copying her. "Just.. stuff."

"How long have you been out here?" she asks.

I check the time and it's already half-past two. "I guess about half an hour."

She nods and an awkward silence stretches between us.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"I actually think so?" She says it like a question, then seems to think better of it. "I really don't know. But anyway, what was that about?" She gestures to the door. I look in the window and see Ms. Kendra on the couch with a cup of tea and her phone. She catches my eye and gives me a thumbs up.

"We were just talking," I say, turning back around. "About.. You."

"All good, I hope?" she says with a slight laugh.

I let out a breath. "I'm really worried about you, Clover."

"What.. What do you mean?"

"You literally fainted today.."

"Oh."

Another silence.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"You have nothing to apologize for. Are you really fine, or do you just tell us that so we don't worry about you? Do you just not want attention?"

"I.. suppose it is a bit like that.."

"We're girlfriends, Clover. It's our job to look after each other. Because.."

I stop. I've been in denial for so long, but the truth is, I really do love her. I'm just not sure she feels the same way. So I don't say it.

"Because..?" she prompts softly.

"Because we're girlfriends," I say, and hope that she can read my mind and feel the same way.