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★ { Yasmin } Silver: The Lost Royal

Reviewer: Owls1221

Client: sparklingauthoress

Title: 7/10

The title is interesting with the word 'silver', it could imply many different meanings behind the story's plot and themes. However, the subtitle feels somewhat a bit cliched because it gives that implication there will be a royal person being missing and is either a character finding out they were that royal all along or saving a royal from some doom. But of course, I shouldn't judge the entire story just on the title. There could be other interesting things in place.

Cover: 10/10

The cover is astonishing and fits the aesthetics of silver. This is really well-done!

Summary: 7.5/10

The summary is good and interesting, however, I think there were a lot of revelations of the character's motives and the events that are about to occur. The fact we're told Karyn was that lost princess in the summary somehow breaks the aura of what's supposed to be a mystery. The summary continues to reveal other stuff that I think were supposed to be revealed in the later chapters or throughout the plot. Things like the characters' motives, the monsters hunting them down etc.

I suggest that you remove these parts (the fact Karyn is a princess and wants to bring justice and monsters come after her etc.) from the summary and add them within the chapters. That way you haven't spoiled the major plot points in your story. A summary is meant to give a brief idea of your novel without saying too much, you have to let the readers find out for themselves.

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation: 9/10

I would say that there weren't a lot of major grammatical mistakes in the book, however, there were just tiny bits of spelling and punctuation errors. I noticed throughout the story you always write "Huhn" whenever a character is confused or surprised. I'm not sure if you're doing this on purpose to make it seem different (in some way) but I can't help but be distracted by this kind of spelling. It's supposed to be "Huh" rather than "Huhn" because it seems as though the character is saying "Hun" like they're married to someone.

As for punctuation, you should still follow the rules even if it's in dialogue. There weren't many errors but still, it's important to point out. When you write a sentence and add dialogue next to it, you should either capitalize or uncapitalize the first word of the new sentence depending on the punctuation you've added. Here's an example (notice the punctuation before the word 'aw'):

X incorrect X:

Fearian laughed as he turned to face him, hands on his hips, "Aw, little bro is worried about his big bro. Isn't this cute?"

O correct O:

Fearian laughed as he turned to face him, hands on his hips. "Aw, little bro is worried about his big bro. Isn't this cute?"

Or

Fearian laughed as he turned to face him, hands on his hips, "aw, little bro is worried about his big bro. Isn't this cute?"

That way, we can know if the character is adding anything to their speech and if they are continuing it or not. Adding a comma is when you want to extend information (if the clauses are dependent) while a full stop is when you want to add new information (this information having independent clauses).

Vocabulary: 10/10

The vocabulary is really great even when there were few repetitions of it and were spread out across chapters. Basically they weren't excessive types.

Hook: 8/10

Despite the narrative taking a cliched turn with the whole royal person being missing and destined to save a kingdom, I was still intrigued by thought processes of the character and how the events played out. There was a sense of mystery with the new students and how they were described. Additionally, it got me thinking and theorizing some of the moments in the book (whispers I read some of the words in the Glossary section and tried connecting the dots as I read on, like how I guessed Gema could be a Rubian because all of her appearance are in red). So overall, a good hook.

Character Development: 8.5/10

The characters were well presented. I really like how you showed the characters' personalities rather than just tell us directly. Even though there were some bits of telling with Karyn's character, you still managed to show how she functions in two different environments. It feels somewhat realistic if you ask me.

Plot Development and Pacing: 8.5/10

The plot is progressing at a steady pace and I understood some of the situations. Yet there was one scene in particular that I was confused about slightly. It's about Kara's existence in the story. I understand in Ch.3 that Kara was ignored for once by Karyn and didn't know why, and it seemed that it was really important to her to be seen by her sister and all. Yet I couldn't quite wrap my head around Karyn's reaction towards the issue. In that scene it felt like Karyn was a bit careless? Yes she did say that she would never ignore her sister's presence but isn't she supposed to be a bit more concerned as to why for once she didn't see her sister? Since her sister is her 'lifelong friend' and her only family left?

Also, plotwise, whenever you mention Kara accompanying Karyn, please do add some writing regarding whether she's following Karyn around the school or returning home because I was confused about her role in the story. One time Kara is talking to her sister, the next she's gone and not even mentioned or remembered by her sister (and in the narrative), making me wonder whether she was forgotten or not. Maybe for example say "Kara faded for the time being when Person B walked in" or "Kara poofed into existence/reappeared etc." to let the readers know if she's still there with Karyn.

Writing: 9/10

The majority of the writing was amazing with its vivid imagery, style, and the description was intriguing. There are just a few things I should suggest to make the writing more easier to understand.

In Ch.1 I was a bit confused with Kara's description and backstory in terms of the pronouns. I know there were only two characters talking to each other, but the multiple shes confused me on who experienced what. Maybe in Ch.1 mention the names of who did what or felt or experienced what. Also, since Kara is a ghost, try to italicize her dialogue to emphasize her speech is being heard by Karyn only, hence ghostly presence? It's just a suggestion.

As for another thing, throughout the plot, when more than three characters are involved in dialogue, it is a must to include each character's name so we can know who spoke. Otherwise, we wouldn't know who said what, kinda like what I just said about Kara and Karyn's dialogue.

Personal Enjoyment: 9.5/10

Actually to be honest, I kinda like this story. It's true that it's a bit cliched with the whole royalty plot, but I did enjoy it for one thing. The world-building. There is magic involved alright, but it was a bit different. Having a magic system all based on stones? Cool! (I'm jealous!). And as I said previously about reading the glossary, I made some guesses on which characters wielded which stone, Gema being a Rubian, Karyn being a Silverein, and Zack Black probably being Emeraldine. I've made all these guesses based on their appearance that you (possibly) hinted at.

Honestly, I love fantasy stories where characters have elemental abilities and either have a physical object related to their powers (e.g. gemstones or relics, like Genshin Impact if you know the game ;)) or their appearances alone shows it. In fact, I do have some characters in my fantasy series who possess Gold and Silver magic.

Although, I admit I've only read the glossary and 5 chapters so far (because I had more orders coming), I was still interested to learn more about your world and how it functions XD. I might as well add it to my reading list and read more when I have the time.