The Murderess - Rewrite

Chapter 41

The two weeks that follow are chaotic.

Katniss and Johanna are more devoted to the training than they've ever been with anything. They eat, live, and breathe workouts, drills, weapons practice, lectures on tactics. I wasn't even aware Johanna could stay focused on something not hands-on for that long but she proves me wrong by consistently scoring as high as Katniss on assessments, which means it's very likely they will be sent to the Capitol as soldiers.

Each thing they tell me about their examinations makes me glad that Finnick and I are taking no part in it. The missions they have as part of their battle simulator include gaining a position, destroying a target, and searching a home. Voices spring out new information at random points: maybe they triggered a land mine, maybe a sniper appeared on a rooftop, maybe their gun jammed, maybe a crying child leads you into an ambush, and maybe your squadron leader is hit by a mortar.

Johanna jokes that training for battle is harder than the Hunger Games. Of course it is. But these skills aren't exactly foreign to them. They learned to improvise, to attack, to survive. The only difference is that teamwork is one of the most essential aspects of this, whereas in the Hunger Games, alliances are always temporary. Johanna made it out without allies and Katniss only had Rue, but I still hold a pit in my stomach remembering what happened to my allies in my Games. How I ended up killing one of them.

You can't do that out in the field. Everyone is part of the mission, everyone is an essential player. You have to move as a unit and think as an individual who cares about meeting the goal without taking the glory. It's not their strongest suit, especially not Johanna's. If I thought Katniss was stubborn about working with others, Johanna is ten times worse. She has to trust people deeply before she can rely on them to have her back.

But they won't get that luxury out in the Capitol. They could be placed with people they've never seen. If the Mockingjay will be going there, only the best of the best can accompany her. Johanna's in it to kill Snow but Katniss's role is of the utmost importance. Coin won't let anything go wrong. And if Katniss or Johanna steps out of line, it's over for them.

Cressida and her crew are taping Johanna and Katniss at the firing range each chance they get. Ever so often, Fulvia comes to interview me and Finnick on married life. It's painfully obvious to Panem that we're not preparing for the invasion the way the others are, but we don't care. Whenever Fulvia asks what we will do about that, Finnick and I promise that our hearts will be with the rebels while our bodies are here, focusing on the birth of our children.

Really, even if we wanted to be out there, how could anyone expect either of us to go in this condition? How could they have expected Finnick to leave me alone like this, or me to abandon my children with someone to go and fight so soon postpartum, knowing that I might not make it back to my newborn twins alive?

I make a recording with Fulvia a couple of days after the wedding. I run through the same conversation I had with Katniss several weeks prior. Even though it's less essential for Peeta to hear about my life before the Hunger Games, I can only think of getting him to see that we're not so different.

I want him to know that his ruse protected himself and Katniss from what Finnick and I had to endure. I want him to remember caring about her enough to come up with this strategy. I want him to think of Rue when he hears about Griffin and I want him to remember how gentle Katniss was with her. I want him to hear my stories about nightmares from the arena and remember the moments Katniss vaguely described to me– Peeta holding her through the night so that bad dreams wouldn't make her panic.

I add as much detail as possible about my childhood, especially about Gretya, to soften everything that comes next. I tell him about my choice, my family, my fight in the arena, and how I became 'The Murderess' that he was actually kind to, leading up to the Quell. While Katniss distrusted me from the start, Peeta was sweet. He spoke to me, he once told me I had good taste for considering Finnick and Mags honorable.