CHAPTER ONE
"What would you rate your state of mind right now?"
"3."
"Have you slept much?"
She shook her head.
"You look upset. Did you get in a fight with your father?"
"No." She lied trough her teeth.
Her stare transfixed on the window, the same questions and the monotone conversation becoming tiring.
"Are you writing down your thoughts?"
"Yes."
"Do you feel like it's helping?"
"It's become a habit."
"That's good! A positive habit is great progress." The words were filled with praise, the counselor's bright stare desperate for confirmation that her methods were working.
"Do you remember what we spoke about last week? The university has hired a new physics professor, he arrives this week, I'm aware you don't like change and I have let him know that you find the subject hard and to give you space." She spoke, smiling comfortingly.
While the university was big and her friend group small, her covered ears had still caught on that the new teacher was something people wouldn't stop talking about.
She tugged on her shirt, twisting the fabric in her fingers as she thought of physics, her worst subject. She didn't want to introduce her inevitable failure to a new teacher, disappointed enough in herself that she didn't need the condescending stare that told her they expected better from her.
"The other professors are getting sick of me, they expect me to be back on my feet soon." She spoke, her fingers anxiously moving to her bracelet, pulling on the small charms that adorned the golden link.
They don't care if you'll be back on your feet. They care that you're not good enough.
The voice inside her head hurt.
Everything hurt.
"Grief takes time, focus on handing in your assignments and participating in class. Put your energy to the classes you find easier to score high in. Grades are not everything, it's much more important that you're here." The words were perfected to be what she needed to hear, still the gnawing anxiety inside told her that everyone knew she wasn't good enough. The dread of failing was overwhelming, while the world would still turn, she felt like it would do better without her if she continued to fall short.
High school had been easy, she was used to getting high grades and put in the effort that was needed without feeling exhausted. She had been praised for her academic achievements but now, nothing she did was good enough nor impressive to anyone.
The professors didn't care as long as she handed in her assignments, they wouldn't motivate her because they had other students who were more motivated and would continually prove it. Her first months had been about being the best, now she was struggling to adapt and was slipping trough the grasps.
"Will the new professor understand?" She asked, already caring for receiving validation from the stranger who wouldn't even remember her name after the term was over.
