Empires SMP incorrect quotes

15

End portal incident

Count fWhip of Gobland: Welcome to the goblin cave empire! I found the end stronghold! Um, it's open. The portal's been opened. Does anybody know what happened there?
Everyone: Wait, what?
Count fWhip of Gobland: Do you wanna go investigate with me? See what in the world's going on in there?
Sheriff Jimmy: No, should we go?
Mayor Lizzie: Is this safe? 
Princess Katherine: Yeah, this could be a trap.
Pirate Joe: This sounds like a Lizzie trap. 
Everyone except False: *flashback to Afterlife SMP and raccoon Lizzie's end portal trap*
Mayor Lizzie: *panicking* I promise this time it wasn't me! I'm hiding nothing! There's absolutely nothing secretive about me whatsoever! 
False: *has no idea what everyone's talking about*

Lunch mix-up

Hermes: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: 'I am very proud of you. Love, Oli'*
Gregory: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: 'Be good. For goodness' sake, please be good.'*

The great cod scam

Mayor Lizzie: *after following a trail of fish for who knows how long* This is the source of the fish! 
Pirate Joe: Well, hello, visitor! 
Mayor Lizzie: Hello.
Pirate Joe: Welcome, what brings you here?
Mayor Lizzie: A really long trail of fish brought me here, was that anything to do with you?
Pirate Joe: No! How suspicious. But while you're here you might as well come on in!
Mayor Lizzie: *gasps* A fish shop?! Oh my- do you have an unlimited supply of fish?! 
Pirate Joe: Yes, I do, and I also sell a lot of different wares. Any prismarine you might need? I'm your guy. The name's Pirate Joe!
Mayor Lizzie: Oh, hello, Pirate Joe. I'm Mayor Lizzie, of Critter City, Animalia. 
Pirate Joe: Oh! Oh, a woman of your stature I'm sure has plenty of diamonds to spend on a poor, lowly pirate fisherman just trying to raise his empire! 
Mayor Lizzie: *embarrassed* Actually, I don't really have any diamonds! Yet. But are you interested in shiny amethyst? 
Pirate Joe: I don't know if that goes with my color scheme and all, but maybe. 
Mayor Lizzie: I have a lot of fish, how about some fish?
Pirate Joe: I'll trade you sixty four fish for a diamond! 
Mayor Lizzie: Wait, what? You want the fish?
Pirate Joe: Yeah! I'll trade you a diamond for the fish! *gives her the diamond and takes the fish* Here's this diamond, and then you can use this diamond to buy something now! Here, I'll give you a discount! *gives her prismarine* Look, you can buy a whole stack of this! You got yourself a deal!
Mayor Lizzie: *not comprehending fast enough* Wait, wha- wait, hang on a second-
Pirate Joe: *passes the prismarine to her and takes her diamond* Here you go, I'll take that diamond! 
Mayor Lizzie: *resigned to whatever is happening* Okay. *after leaving* I'm so confused; I don't know what just happened. Now, where's the trail of fish to lead me home?

The Wither Rose Alliance messing up history class

Count fWhip of the Grimlands: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Lord Sausage: Yeah, it's a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Emperor Joey: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We're safe now.
Pearl: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.
Wizard Gem: *being the teacher and sighing in despair*

Shrub's dark humor

Shrub: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?
Emperor Joey: I only like dark humor.
Shrub: *turning the lights off* What do you call a fake noodle?
Emperor Joey: ...
Shrub: An IMPASTA!

Roseblings at a zoo

*at a zoo*
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: What are they in for?
Wizard Gem: fWhip, this isn't prison.
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: So they can leave?
Wizard Gem: No, but-
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: *pointing at a meerkat* I bet that one murdered someone.

Jimmy's birthday presents

Wizard Gem: What did you get Jimmy for their birthday?
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: I got him a kitten.
Wizard Gem: Really? Me too!
Ocean Queen Lizzie: I also got him a cat.
King Joel: Looks like we had the same idea.
Scott of Rivendell: Pix, please tell me you didn't get Jimmy a cat as well!
Pix: ... I got him a kitten.
*later*
Jimmy: *in his apartment surrounded by cats and kittens* This is the best birthday ever!

Jimmy wants to complain

Sheriff Jimmy: I'm tired.
Old sheriff: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?!
Sheriff Jimmy: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it.

Scarily calm

Jimmy: *in a room with Grian, fWhip, and Joel* It's calm in here. It scares me...

Cycle of violence

Joel: I just had a long talk with Jimmy and Grian about hitting, and now they are yelling 'it's my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence' before hitting each other.