The Indoctrination Of A Domesticated Foreigner

Ch. 2 Awakening

They say , and they being the collective whole, would like to attribute the basis of society as being founded upon justice, equality, laws and consequences. These ideals being poorly represented in law enforcement, demonstrated in schools through their educational criteria, enacted by judges and their jury, and religion amongst the masses . "He who controls the masses , controls the flow of power." As a youth in the Catholic Church I received my first infiltration on cryptic America. I grew up interpreting the symbolism all around the Cathedral, me and my family attended . I also had to attend classes about the Catholic faith, with no choice in the matter, and furthermore I was told it was necessary to complete these classes to become an official member of the Catholic Church. Till this day looking back I don't recall seeing another black face in any of my classes . While they told me to pray to a white god , a white Jesus , a white Mary. I was made to confirm nonetheless . Subdued feelings of awkwardnes and confusion might as well be the tip of the iceberg. My mother made many futile attempts at this glorified vision of a better life for her and her kids. Private schools, tutors, with frequent psychiatrist and doctor visits and even more frequent IQ tests , making me study more and speak less , while absorbing everything I touched and heard. Truly entering the production line of my society at a far younger age than requested. Maintaining my innocence became more of a burden than a virtue. Leading me to ask myself what is innocence . Is it being free from the effects of Ill will towards another ? Or not having being exposed to it? While modern day society will have us believe we have a choice in the matter. This is not the same thing as free will . The term free is a very personal term . I've found that rarely anything is free in this world anymore. Numerous occasions and instances have even led me to believe it costs to smile. The power in choices in comparison to the power that comes behind decisions is very calamitous in nature. I was taught young that to make right decisions will result in a better life but, ask others and they may say righteousness doesn't exist, or that righteousness is a form of street justice. This leaves multiple points, and views in one discussion that furthermore correlates to my thesis. My childhood and upbringing consisted of one solid path depicted by my parents, grandparents, and teachers. Although they excluded the fact that there would be multiple avenues linked to maintaining this predetermined course. Leaving me with choices and decisions I was never made aware of until it was practically to late and I was forced into action. Take for example when a person is told that a life of crime will lead to incarceration or death the only thing highlighted is the negative, while a lighter subject of relation could be as simple as saying that a poor diet could lead to health problems. Not even mentioning the pleasures in consuming food. I was made to believe that streets could only lead to something bad, so you could say I lived a sheltered life.... Until I didn't ....
A deeper look into my past and present psyche would show minimal change in insight or lack thereof. My favorite attribute being my intelligence. I was often told I was too smart for my own good. Looking back now I feel like that this statement represented a dual edged sword that was wielded by the majority of the youth of my generation. We simply had too much exposure. Whether it be the technology, the music, television, movies, or the drugs. Everything I experienced growing up opened new doorways and chapters in my life . Being young and impressionable is a dangerous combination. My first taste of violence came from inside my home. But I won't say it originated there . The violence stemmed from my firsts acts of rebellion. Thus being the first time I noticed knowledge is power, even though then I didn't realize what knowledge I possessed ,and definitely not what to do with it. I've been actively intuitive my whole life. For as long and as far back as I can remember. I've always had this urge to seek out answers , coupled with a passion for knowledge and understanding , fueled by a primal interest in knowing the unknown. My mother loves telling stories regaling how bright of a child I was. Whether it be how early of an age I started walking and talking. Or the numerous accounts of my deviant childhood exploits. One very known tale in my family being my mother placing me in my crib upstairs and placing a net over it , and ending with me beating her back down the stairs without her knowing. Or of my father putting me on his rap songs with me reciting profanity at the age of 3.. My gifted mind didn't go unnoticed . Growing up in a single parent household many of my memories of social interaction occured either in school or in public settings. I was introduced to bullying , drugs , sex, and racism through school. I attended numerous school institutions and got kicked out of my fair share as well. Around the time of me being diagnosed with ADHD was one of the heights of my disruptive behavior in classrooms. Excelling in all my studies left me too much free time. I would finish assignments early , then proceed to cause havoc amongst my peers in the classroom. I remember Ms. Grant my fifth grade teacher calling my mother and telling her I bullied one of the African American girls in my class , and I remember my mother asking my teacher what I had done. Although I can laugh about it now , looking back I'm also alarmed by my behavior and the behavior of some of my peers. Even then hatred of self was being sewn into our hearts and minds, and I believe this to be a direct reflection of our modern day condition. Everywhere I look , I see less originality and more conformity , as though we hate our natural selves . Constantly being broadcasted are new trends and fashion designs meant to change or alter our appearance. Said to make us more appealing or unique . I went to class that day after watching roots on tape at my grandma's house . When I got to class my classmate Ciara Hodges had these big puffed up nappy looking braids, more specifically two of them if I'm remembering correctly, and I told her she looked like kizzy off of roots... She ran out of the classroom crying and locked herself in a bathroom stall till she had taken the braids out. At the time I didn't even realize the significance of my words or actions. I don't even remember if I got into trouble for the whole situation. But small insignificant acts like these play a real part of a young black man's life. Open displays of female degradation being a prime example, and reason I feel the need to specifically target same sex , and opposite sex interactions involving the youth. Fighting bullies in school gave me a chip on my shoulder, whether I was fighting about my honor, my pride, or in defense of myself one thing I grasped at an early age was that in this life you have to fight , willingly or unwillingly. I just know now that it's the manner in which you fight that determines the outcome. I'm no stranger to adversity, I learned to never run from your enemies. But I feel it's safe to say many of us never truly know who our enemies are. I was made to feel ashamed of the color of my skin , taunted for the clothes I wore, which side of town I was from . And as in the case of many of my friends and peers it felt as though I was living a double life. As a man I've never been one to run to my parents about issues and situations normally they just catch the aftermath. Left to my own devices I usually took matters into my own hands, leaving more times than not worse than when I started. Historically we as black men are taught from a young age to be tough, strong , resilient. To never show weakness , that it's not masculine to cry or talk about your feelings. I never learned how to properly deal with trauma, I learned to turn my pain into a weapon. To sharpen my mind and strengthen my body , survival of the fittest was more than just a phrase , it was a way of life, we divide and conquer . To do as you please you had to earn your stripes . As we grow in age so do we grow apart . Destructive cogs in a destructive system engineered and designed to break us, entrap us, and destroy us ......