Finding Home

Chapter Forty One-Paige

The doctors gave Paige something for her headache and she kept talking with her family. They wanted to convince her not to do the ritual but she was having none of it. Eventually Micah, who hadn't spoken much, gave her a look and she asked everyone to leave.

"Say it."

"You're an idiot and an asshole and every other bad word or insult there is. How could you make me your proxy?! That is so not fair. You go and almost die and now expect me to make medical decisions for you knowing that what I want for you and what everyone else wants for to is exactly the opposite of what you want! So now I'm the bad guy with everyone. If I do what you want and you die it's my fault if I do what they want and you wake up it's still my fault because you'll hate me. I mean, what the fuck Paige?!?

"And for the record, I don't know how can you even think about going through with this? I know you want to fit in but goddess you don't have to risk your life for it!! This ritual could literally kill you, as in no longer alive, as in gone forever, as in dead. Like dead dead. And you wanted me to make that decision for you, you wanted me to risk your life for what?! So you're not the odd man out anymore? So you can fit in somewhere? You life is not worth that risk. My sister, my brilliant, amazing, wonderful, larger than life sister is not worth that risk. You are too important to this world, you're to important to my world to risk your life for something that may or may not work."

Paige listened quietly to his rant. She knew he needed this. He must have been holding it in for days while she was unconscious. The only person he could have talked to about it was his mate, Madeline, but even then she didn't know all the history.

She didn't know just how long Micah has been looking after Paige. How even at six, he was standing up to kids bigger than him because they were bullying his sister. How he got in the face a newly shifted wolf to protect her. How he'd visit her, first in Portland and then in Boston, to train her so she could protect herself. How he slept on the floor of her London flat for a month to make sure she survived. She had put a lot on him and then even more when she made him her medical proxy. He had every right to be angry at her.

When he finished, she quietly said, "I haven't been larger than life since I lost Gregory." He stilled at her words. They had never discussed the time he'd come to London for her. She closed that part of her life off and worked to move on.

"I didn't think you remembered that," he said. "I thought you didn't know I was there."

"I knew." Her voice was small. "I knew you were there."

"Then why-"

"If I talked about it, it made it real. If I talked about it, it made losing the greatest love of my life real. After you left, I did all the things you're supposed to do to live on but talking about it with you made it different some how. If I could keep everything with Nathan separate from everything werewolf then I could survive it. Because to do otherwise meant that I lost him because I wasn't a wolf. It would mean I lost him because I was human. When he left, I thought it was because he didn't want me because I didn't have a wolf. By keeping Nathan separate from you and everything werewolf I could put it in a nice little memory box. I could cut the tape in Bali before I told him and just remember it as a wonderful six months. Not that he left me because I was wolfless, not that I lost our baby because I was too weak. Not the pain that came after."

Silent tears streamed down her cheeks. Micah let out a sigh and all his anger went with it. He moved from the end of the bed, where he had been pacing during his rant, and enveloped her in a hug.

"I'm sorry," she said into his shoulder. "I know I've been such a jackass to you. It isn't fair to ask as much as I have of you."

"I'm your brother Paige, if you can't put shit on me then who can you?" He pulled away. "And we're werewolves. That hyper-independence humans have is just not how it's done around here. We're a community who look out for each other. It's okay to ask for help, it's even expected. You don't have do everything on your own, you don't to mix superglue in your chapstick, you can let others help you. And not just because we're wolves, but because we're family too." She smiled at him grateful for him in her life. He smiled back at her and held it for a moment before letting it drop. "You're really going to go through with this aren't you?"

"I am. But it's not why you think. I mean it is a little bit, I want to fit somewhere. I didn't fit growing up, I didn't fit with the humans. If we just stop the process then I fit in even less but it's more than that. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've been lonely my whole life and this gives me an opportunity to not feel that way."

"You ever think you feel lonely because you don't let people in?"

She snorted, "You sound like my therapist. But yeah, I have considered that, and I've tried letting people in. I've got some people that I've let in but it still feels like something's missing somehow. This week with Nathan has the first time I haven't felt lonely in five years."

"So you're doing this for Nathan?" He asked incredulously.

"Partly," she said meekly, "But before you start your rant about me risking my life for a guy. It's not just for a guy, it's for my mate."

"I thought you can't feel the mate bond." He looked at her skeptically.

"I don't think I'm feeling it completely; like, I feel tingles when we touch, and I can sense his feelings but I think that might be because I know him so well. But, I do know that it will kill me to lose him, whether we wake my wolf or not. If we do the ritual and I survive but my wolf doesn't wake I'll lose him and it will kill me."

"It doesn't have too. Even if your wolf doesn't wake you can stay. You don't have to lose him." Micah's face was pleading. She knew he didn't want her to do this but would stand by her, what ever she decides.

"I do though. Without my wolf we can't be together. The pack needs a strong Luna to lead with him. That's not human me. If I can't mark him and complete the binding then it will fade and he'll be able to find another fated mate. He will fall in love with her and I can't ask him to reject her. It'll hurt him and the pack. The only way, the only way I can be with Nathan is for me to find my wolf. Add in the fitting in/being part of a community bit and the only answer is to try the ritual."

Micah was quiet as he looked for a loophole to slip through. Anything to refute what she had said, any missing piece he could exploit to convince her to not do it. When he couldn't find anything he let his shoulders drop with a sigh and she knew she had him.

"Alright, you get some sleep. I'll go make sure they're getting everything ready." He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"Thank you."

"Of course, but if you die, I'm finding a necromancer to bring you back to life so I can kill you myself." He shot her a smirk as he left the room. She leaned the bed back a little and tried to settle down to get some sleep. She was almost asleep when she felt warm tingles. Nathan quietly laid down next to her and pulled her to him. Encased in the warmth of his love, she let herself slip into dreams. For the first time in a long time, when she thought about tomorrow, she felt hope.