Finding Home

Chapter Fourteen-Paige

Paige hurried out of his office, she knew it was wrong to leave so abruptly but she couldn't be in the same room as him anymore. She hated him. She wanted him to hurt like her hurt her. But she also wanted to take away his pain. Her emotions and thoughts were conflicting each other. She had held on to this pain, this hurt for so long. She wasn't ready to give it up. But seeing the pain on his face made her heart break. Knowing his reasons didn't erase the pain he had caused but it did make her question the hate she had carried.

She couldn't blame him for going home to his dying brother, not when she knew he had just lost his mother. She knew he and his brother weren't particularly close but they weren't as estranged as to ignore his brother on his deathbed. Yes, he should have woken her that night, but big emotions means big stupid. She didn't even blame him for putting the pack over her. She was a human, he was a werewolf. Realistically they were never going to be able to stay together long.

She had held on to the promises he made her. That he would stay with her forever, but maybe he was wrong to make those promises in the first place. Maybe they had been living in a fantasy land, maybe they would have gotten to London and things would have fallen a part. Maybe they wouldn't have made it. But maybe they would have.

It was that 'maybe' that made her upset the most. It was unfinished business, a possible future hanging by a thread, a hope and a dream, a mountain of 'what if's' she would slip into when she needed an escape. If they had gone forward and it crashed and burned then at least she would have known. At least their story would have an ending. It was that potential ending that scared her. It was going to end now, for good. No more 'what if's', no more 'maybes'. Their end was coming. And she didn't think she could handle that pain again.

She spent the rest of the day helping to get ready for the binding ceremony. It was much like a human wedding and there was plenty to do. It kept her busy and more importantly kept her mind off him. There wasn't time for big soul-bearing conversations she knew her mother and sister wanted her to have. And she could avoid her father's looks of disappointment. She knew he wanted to talk, but she wanted to have that conversation even less than the ones with her mother and sister.

Her brother enveloped her in a big hug when he saw her after that night with Nathan. He asked her if she wanted to talk about it; when she told him she didn't he said, "Okay, did you know, there's a company that you can use to send glitter bombs to people completely anonymously. Even to wolfpacks. Can you imagine? You open a package and just 'poof' glitter everywhere. And it stays everywhere cuz its impossible to get all of it. There's also a website where you put in some ones IP address and it make it so anyone who opens an internet browser will automatically be taken to the music video of "Never Gonna Give You Up". Can imagine how annoying that would be? Just every time, never gonna give you up," he sang. "That'd be awful. The fact that I'm mentioning these things has absolutely nothing to do with Alpha Nathan, by the way. I just thought they were fun facts that you should know." She just smiled and hugged him tighter.

By the end of the day they had both the ceremony site and the reception site set up and ready for tomorrow. All that was left was the Welcome Ceremony. She knew Nathan would be there. It was unavoidable, a new member was becoming part of his pack, but she was dreading it nonetheless. If she was smart about it, she'd be able to stay away from him. At the very least she could stick to seeing him in groups. Nothing where he could say what she wasn't ready to hear.

The ceremony was simple. Micah's mate promised to support and protect the pack, and the pack represented by Gamma Allen, promised to support and protect her. Nathan made a beautiful speech about learning from the past and looking to the future. He thanked her parents and the Alpha of her old pack for raising her and promised they would look after their daughter.

Paige was stunned by this. Welcome ceremonies in the Summit Pack were nothing like this. They were much more solemn, less joyful. Alpha John never made a speech, let alone a promise to protect the wolves entering the pack. It made her smile to see how good of an alpha Nathan was. As he mingled with the pack and knew most everyone by name, those he didn't, he took time to talk with them and make them feel welcome.

Paige couldn't help but smile as she watched him. After meeting her brother's mate, Madeline, she stood off to the side, watching everyone happily take part of the evenings festivities. She didn't notice that Gamma Allen had come and stood beside her until he spoke. "He's a good male you know." She jumped slightly and gave him a glare before turning back to the crowd.

"My brother? Yes he is, and his mate is lovely too."

"I wasn't talking about your brother. You've been staring at the Alpha all night."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." She took a sip of her drink.

"You should hear him out." She shook her head. "He's sorry for what he did. He'd like to make it up to you."

"He can't... I can't. It'll hurt too much. If I talk to him, all the feelings I've shoved into a little tiny box and buried in the back of my mind will break out. It'll be a mess, I don't have time for messes right now. I barely finished cleaning up from the last one."

"Sometimes messes can be beautiful, or can create beauty."

"This one won't. It didn't last time and I have no reason to believe we won't get the same result now."

"I think you're scared," Allen said, trying to goad her into saying she wasn't so he could tell her to prove it. But she surprised him yet again.

"Damn straight, I'm scared." She huffed a laugh, "If I talk with him, if I let him in, I'll just end up falling for him again. And that would be awful."

"For you or for him?" Allen asked.

"Both. He needs to find a mate who will be as committed to the pack as he is. He needs to find a Luna. I can see how he still looks at me. Dorothea said he's carried a torch all these years but he needs to move on. He needs to put the good of the pack first. He did it five years ago, he can do it again. Talking to me will just make that harder for him." It broke her heart to say it, but she knew it was true. He still cared for her and that was perhaps what hurt the most. He loved her but it wasn't enough.

"And what about you?"

"I need to go back to London. I need to complete my program and get on with my life."

"I thought that's what you've been doing these last five years." She threw a side-eyed glare at him.

"Are you a life-coach as well as a gamma?" He snorted out a laugh.

"No," He looked down at his drink. "No, I'm just a guy trying to help his friend through a thing."

"Well you're a good friend then, but you're not going to help him by convincing me to talk to him. You help him by convincing him to let me go. It's what's best for all parties." She bid him goodnight and walked home.