Lela & Koffee

Here And Now

   Koffi Sat out of breath panting in his car. He guzzled down the half filled sports drink. Running made him feel like actual worlds were lifting off his shoulders!

    There was so much weighing on him, grief, Lela’s well-being, Uncle Ricky, and more he had yet to acknowledge. At times he felt as if everything surrounded him and he was spinning. Unable to grasp or grip anything. He was swiftly being overtaken by the inevitable feeling of helplessness that he never wanted to feel again.

    Koffi pulled his shirt over his head and wiped the dripping sweat from his face. Throwing it in the passenger seat; he reached for his phone. Lela hadn’t returned any of his calls and all texts were unanswered and unacknowledged. He called her again but it went straight to voicemail.

“Shit!”
     Time was moving faster than an Olympic marathon and that overwhelmed him. He contemplated going over to her apartment and waiting until she arrived or going home getting ready for the evening and just going by himself. The latter was his least favorite. Off to Lela’s he went.

    Forty minutes through LA traffic and Nipsey Hussle songs on repeat to calm his nerves; and he made it to her house. He didn’t see her car amongst the fleet of cars parked along the curb street. Maybe she kept working. He was willing to wait as long as possible before he became the search party for her. He made his way through the side gate with his key. Smelling his sweaty clothes he planned to jump in the shower first thing.

   He unlocked the door and to his surprise she was there. Moving as if she were in a rush, she said nothing when she heard the door open. Lela didn’t even bother to look over her shoulder at him though. She could feel his presence.

    Koffi shut the door and leaned against it. There were so many things he wanted to communicate to Lela. His anger, fear, helplessness. Instead he just stood still watching her. Was it too soon to hug her? We’re his words still piercing nails to her thoughts? Normally their fights were reduced to playful bickering that included laughter and reason being apart of the necessary solution. Rarely would it turn into a blow for blow screaming match unless there was an emotional elephant in the room that wasn’t being addressed or considered. Lela and Koffi loved hard, played hard, and prided themselves on the ease and peace that stabilized them in their relationship.

    Lately what is under the surface is fighting to break through and unless they boldly face it together, their underlying fears of meeting their relationship’s demise will meet them in the marathon  to run from their problems.

“Your clothes are hanging on the door.” Lela spoke with her back turned. Rummaging through her purse for things she needed to place in another bag. Koffi looked in the direction of her bathroom and saw his clothes on the door.

“You care about me?” He asked as if he were unsure or unknowing of the answer.

“I ironed your clothes and you ask me that? Koffi casually shrugged.

“The audacity of this nigga, I swear!” Lela mumbled under her breath. Finished with the transferring of things to her purse, she remained silent and sat in front of her vanity mirror. Koffi’s sweaty body stood still with only movement in his eyes. His back was glued to the door. Was he fishing for affection? Yearning for affirmation? Neither. He knew his words had hurt her deep and wanted to have an idea of much damage he had done.

     How could she possibly still care about him after he threw one of the scariest life altering moments in both their lives in her face. Everything he said was just a dump of his own unacknowledged fear and anxiety thrown in her direction. It honestly had nothing to do with her but the moment he felt like he might be alone on the plummet down a dark well of unresolved emotion with his Uncle Ricky, was the moment he shot off at Lela like a semi- Automatic. Bullet after bullet, hitting her ego, heart, and memories of what already happened that neither of them had gotten over. How do you come back from this? How do you justify being so cruel to a woman who cared so much that after all of that; came home early. Ironed your clothes showing support in spite of you and your lack of gentleness. How? Koffi didn’t have an answer for all the questions his mind was asking and he knew sorry wouldn’t be enough.

    Lela put oils on her face to moisturize her skin. With just a bit of blush, lashes and eye liner, finally spoke drawing intently over her eye.

“Not only do I care for you, I care about you. I love you. Loving someone is taking care of them even when they make an ass out of themself.
“ Lela I’m-…” Lela turned her upper body around to look at him, holding the back of her chair. “Don’t. Just Don’t .”

“But I want to…I know I sa-…”

“You said something’s and I said something’s and right now it is what it is. We have two hours before you have to deal with one of, only one of the hardest days of the year for you. I know and I’m sure now you know I am slipping into my depression. It’s getting worse by the day and by today it was getting worse by the hour. I’m losing energy and I don’t know how many days I have left until I wake up and can’t get out of the bed, let alone make it out of the house. I went to the beach after we talked and whatever peace I could gather I have been saving for you. I haven’t taken a phone call from anyone, not a ride, not even a hello from those who have passed me. All that I have left to give I am saving for you. For this night. To support you through this moment. So, today didn’t happen. We both know it did and one day we’ll address it. But tonight, better yet right now, you going in the shower and getting ready. Me putting on my makeup is all that matters. Here and now.” Lela turned around to the mirror and continued to draw on her lids. Koffi sighed inwardly relieved that she wasn’t looking for an amends in that moment. Although he wanted to rectify his actions and resolve what was between them, he honestly didn’t know where or how to start.

With functioning movement returning to his body he took to her across the room in strides. With his arms outstretched to hug  her from behind she stopped him mere inches from her skin.

“Don’t touch me right now. I can comprehend that today didn’t happen, but my body physically can’t . I need a moment. I don’t know how long. But now ain’t it.” She put on a rue red matte lipstick and blotted her lips. Tracing her fingers along the outline of her lips to remove any smudge. Blowing a kiss at herself, she stood and walked around him.

“Besides I don’t want what energy I do have leaving my body the moment you touch me.” She grabbed the hangers off of the door with his clothes on them.

“Can’t pour from an empty cup.” She held out his clothes to him. “Here.” Koffi paused for a moment looking in her eyes. The longer he stared the more they glossed. Maybe it wasn’t only energy she was worried about losing. Maybe it was the fight to have back the tears that desperately wanted to escape her. Like Tim Robbins character in Shawshank Redemption. Emotions beyond determined to find a way out. That even his simple touch would have them bursting through the walls that she built to guide them in place and carry her through the hard times. Like this one for him. How selfless could she be? The thought of this turned Koffi’s stomach and squeezed his heart. What kind of sacrifice was he allowing her to make. Her knight in shining armor had become her silent torturer. Not having the dignity to uphold him under her gaze, he calmly took his clothes and retreated to the bathroom. Closing the door behind him there on the counter was everything laid out for him cologne, clippers, toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, face towel, wash cloth, towel, face mask, briefs, oils for his beard, Qtips. More. More neatly laid. Koffi oddly felt like he was getting ready for his death. Was this the end of who he knew himself to be in Lela’s life. Was this the beginning of their end, a road to their demise?

It was the weirdest, outrageous feeling that he could not share or dwell on. He turned on the shower and decided she was right, getting through tonight was most important.