Would that I ──── Leo Valdez [2]

8: Super-sized McShizzle, bad boy supreme

─────Leo psyched himself up for an extreme makeover. He summoned some breath mints and a pair of welding goggles from his tool belt. The goggles weren't exactly sunglasses, but they'd have to do. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. He used some machine oil to grease back his hair. He stuck a wrench in his back pocket (why exactly, he wasn't sure) and he had Vincent draw a tattoo on his biceps with a marker: HOT STUFF, with a skull and crossbones. Vincent, to his credit, tried not to laugh a lot.

"What in the world are you thinking?" Hazel paced watching them. She sounded pretty flustered.

"I try not to think," Leo admitted. "It interferes with being nuts. Just concentrate on moving that Celestial bronze. Echo, you ready?"

"Ready," she said.

Leo took a deep breath. He strutted back toward the pond, hoping he looked awesome and not like he had some sort of nervous affliction. "Leo is the coolest!" he shouted.

"Leo is the coolest!" Echo shouted back.

"Yeah, baby, check him out!" Vincent laughed as he yelled.

"Check him out!" Echo said.

"Make way for the king!"

"The king!"

"Narcissus is weak!"

"Weak!"

The crowd of nymphs scattered in surprise. Leo shooed them away as if they were bothering him. "No autographs, girls. I know you want some Leo time, but I'm way too cool. You better just hang around that ugly dweeb Narcissus. He's lame!"

"Lame!" Echo said with enthusiasm.

The nymphs muttered angrily.

"What are you talking about?" one demanded.

"You're lame," said another.

"No, he's LEO" Vincent was probably going to hold this over Leo's head till the day one of them died. And maybe later Leo would have the time to be embarrassed but he really didn't right now. "Gods of Olympus, Ladies, how do you not know Leo? He's only the hottest stuff in town"

The first plan had been to make Vincent do what Leo was doing. But the boy had refused, trying to hide his amusement as he suggested Leo should do it instead. 

He may not have been laughing at Leo but it still stung a little.

Leo adjusted his goggles and smiled. He flexed his biceps, though he didn't have much to flex, and showed off his HOT STUFF tattoo. He had the nymphs' attention, if only because they were stunned; but Narcissus was still fixed on his own reflection.

"You know how ugly Narcissus is?" Leo asked the crowd. "He's so ugly, when he was born his mama thought he was a backward centaur—with a horse butt for a face."

Vincent couldn't hold his laughter in. Some of the nymphs gasped. Narcissus frowned, as though he was vaguely aware of a gnat buzzing around his head.

"You know why his bow has cobwebs?" Leo continued. "He uses it to hunt for dates, but he can't find one!"

"Oh my gosh, Leo," Vincent went on, though Leo figured it was probably killing him, "You're soooo funny, you should tattoo your lips onto mine"

One of the nymphs laughed. The others quickly elbowed her into silence.

Narcissus turned and scowled at Leo. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man!" Leo said. "I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy."