It all happened so fast.
Neither Felix nor Chanbgin had seen that coming.
One moment Hyunjin had a bittersweet smile on his face and the other inches before Felix hugged him, his hand found a gun secured in his pants, then a loud sound was heard and blood scattered everywhere.
Felix expected anything but that.
His brothers blood smothered around the walls, on his face, on his hands, on his hair.
Hyunjin fell before he could be caught a big puddle of blood forming within seconds from his wound on the head.
Chanbgin didn't waste a second and even if he was shaken up, shocked, traumatized, he was somehow able to call for an ambulance that fortunately responded immediately.
Felix couldn't move, frozen in time.
Hyunjin's eyes looking at him, distant, cold, hollow, almost as if they were pleading Felix to let him go.
He felt the wetness of his brother's blood on his face and he could only gag at the strange, foreign feeling.
What had he done?
What did Hyunjin just do?
"Changbin... what did he do?"
"Shhh, Felix. It's gonna be okay. We just have to keep him from bleeding out."
"Is he..."
"No, he's not. We still have hope."
What hope, he wanted to say...
What hope when all he could think of was Hyunjin being paralyzed for life?
How could he do that to him too?
Unable him from dancing too, he had already taken so much away from him, he could recognize that and the only people he could blame were his parents.
Staring at his brother's still eyes...
Let him go, he wanted to say...
"Where is he!? Felix, where is he!? Where do they have him!? Is he okay!? Is he alive?!"
"I don't know mum, you're the doctor. Do you think he'd be okay with a bullet hole of nine millimeters going through his head?"
"What..."
"Oh, yes when I mentioned he attempted suicide I must have forgotten to mention that."
"How?"
"When you're hiding guns inside the house of a suicidal man and you are not there as his parent to take care of him, I guess that's what happens."
"Don't put the blame on me! You weren't there either-"
"You are his mother! How many years could we play each other's parents mum!? How many years could I play his mother mum!? You are his mother, his parent, you should be taking care of him too! I am not your only child mother, you gave birth to Hyunjin too! Why do you hate him so much?! Why!? "
"I-"
"So, until you find to say something useful and logical, with some truth in it... this is on you mum.
His suicide attempt is on you. If he's forever ruined is on you. If he dies... you and dad will be the people who killed him. If he dies, you'll be your son's murderer. "
Felix could never understand people.
People, meaning his parents.
A few weeks ago his mother wouldn't even have a decent conversation about her son and now she's crying on a plastic hospital chair about him, praying for him to live.
His father had never tried to communicate for so many years and now in a matter of ten hours he's called his mother more that fifty times, while he's getting ready to fly there from somewhere in the world.
Why did Hyunjin have to almost die, if he wasn't already dead inside of that surgery room , for his parents to care for him?
Felix could only feel anger guilt and remorse.
"Lixie?"
"Hmm?"
"How are you?"
"I should be asking you the same, you're his best friend even if I took you away from him."
"Hey, you did nothing wrong. I should have noticed the signs. And you are his brother. Now tell me..."
"I don't know Binnie. I'm worried, sad, angry, guilty, shocked, scared, there's a hurricane of emotions in my heart and head. I am praying that he's alive and that he's gonna pull through this but... on the other hand I- I get him. When he looked at me, his eyes... he was screaming for me to just, let him go and I didn't, what if he has to live paralyzed for life? I wouldn't beare it, he wouldn't bare it. I-"
"Hey, you would, we would and we will. Whatever happens we are going to face it together, okay?"
"I love you..."
"Me too. And I love Hyun too."
But before they could pull through whatever the future was going to be, they had to survive the present.
"Mr Lee Felix?"
"Here! I'm here."
"Are you the guardian-"
"No, I am."
"No, mum. Me and Hyunjin changed that three years ago. It's me doctor but this is family you can inform us all."
"The only think I can tell you confidently is that he survived the surgery."
"How is he? How is he going to be?"
"First of all, we cannot yet be sure of his survival. His injury has caused a lot of trauma and swelling in his brain, it is going to be a hard 72 hours. He will be put in the ICU in about half an hour but he will be asleep. Then, if he survives that... we will inspect-"
"Can't you inspect now?! He- please, just tell me. I don't want any promises but if he does survive... will he have a decent life?"
"I apologize but we cannot be sure of his life conditions due to his injuries."
"What do you mean?"
"He could have a perfectly normal, functional life but he could also be stuck in a wheelchair forever, not being able to walk, move, eat, breath. But we cannot know till he wakes up, when he does we can run scans and do tests that could give you some statistics about the way his recovery may go."
"Okay, thank you doctor. Please, keep us updated. "
"Mum-"
"No, stop. You and Changbin go home and sleep. I will stay here, you can come back at noon till the afternoon and I'll take your turn for the night."
"Go home and sleep she says. How could I ever even close my eyes again without watching Hyunjin shooting himself on the head? Without hearing the sound of his blood splashing everywhere? Without feeling the wetness of his blood on my face and hands? How can I sleep without reliving that moment over and over again?"
