"Felix... before you go. I need to talk to you."
"Yes, of course Taemin. Do you mind Chanbgin being there to?"
"If you are okay with him listening to something I need to share about your brother."
"Oh... if it's about him, I really don't want to hear it. We are not exactly on speaking terms at the moment."
"Felix, this is serious and I know how you love him, even if you had a fight. I am really worried about him."
"Well Teamin, if he hadn’t kicked me out of my own house, this wouldn't have been a problem."
"But Felix, did he actually kick you out or was this your chance to get away?"
"Bye Taemin."
A few days had passed since that conversation happened and every word still lingers in his head.
Was he overthinking it? Yes.
Was Teamin right? Most probably... also yes.
Maybe Hyunjin wasn't actually the problem.
Maybe nothing was the problem and he just had the need to get away from any responsibility for a while, which turned into a month and a half for sure.
Now thinking about it, Taemin wouldn't have such a conversation with him if he wasn't honestly worried about Hyunjin.
Suddenly, he grew incredibly concerned about his brother. How could he have forgotten he wasn't the only one who was at one point mentally unstable... how could he have forgotten his brother was heavily medicated about his depression? Was he even taking his medication?
God was he even alive?
"Felix. First of all calm down."
"What?"
"I can hear you thinking from my sleep. What are you doing up so late?"
"I am just thinking about Hyunjin. I guess I should check up on him."
"Okay, If you are ready."
"So?"
"What?"
"Let's go."
"Now?"
"Yes."
"What if he's asleep?"
"Oh, come on. You and I both know that won't be the case but either way, I also have my keys."
"Are you sure don't you just want to text him?"
"Changbin! I need to go, like right now!"
"Okay, okay I'm up! I'm up!"
And that's how Felix found himself knocking on his own house's door at four in the morning.
After a few minutes he heard slow, dragged steps nearing the door.
"Who is it?"
Hyunjin's voice was heard, yet it resembled anything but Hyunjin. This voice was dead of any type of emotion. It was tired, slow, dragged, just like the steps from behind the door.
Even without an answer Hyunjin opened the door and honestly the moment Felix locked eyes with Hyunjin's he wished he hadn’t.
"Felix..."
He was right there in front of him but he wasn't.
His figure seemed disheveled.
His hair was messed up, color back to black.
His skin was seemingly pale and his cheeks had melted leaving behind only facial bones.
And maybe it would have looked better if he wasn't wearing shorts that revealed his bony knees and old and new scars, if there wasn't a cigarette hanging from his fingers and if smoke wasn't exiting his mouth as he spoke.
"Oh Hyunjin."
Felix went in for a hug Hyunjin fought to get away from but ended up treasuring.
"Changbin... what are you guys doing here? Felix, are you oka-"
"Shut up Hyunjin. "
"Chanbgin don't talk to him-"
"No. You know Hyunjin is my fucking best friend, even if he doesn't realise that, so you are both gonna let me finish my monolog."
"Okay."
"Hyunjin... what the fuck are you doing to yourself? Look at you. Even Felix's old clothes are two sizes bigger on you. And you smoke now too? Even Taemin is worried about you! What are you doing Hyunjin! You can't go on like that! You are killing yourself! You-"
"That's the whole point."
"What are you implying?"
"Nothing. I don't imply anything. I want to die. I want to kill myself and I will kill myself, in a way or another. Starving just helped me make my dream body come to life, a dream no matter how hungry I feel, I seem to fail."
"Hyunjin... how could this be your dream body?"
"Felix... you looked like that too, maybe even worse. Don't you remember? Maybe, if I am skinny enough I will be loved and liked and taken care of-"
"Hyunjin, the way you are thinking... that's sick. You are sick."
"No. Or maybe yes, I may be. But I never asked to be. I've always been excluded and made fun of. I've had to deal with depression since I was fourteen. I've never had anyone show any kind of interest towards me. I've never had anyone love me unconditionally. I wasn't even loved by our mum or dad. Even now, mum still loves you and not me, not even a little tiny bit Felix. Dad left and kept contacting you and only you, not even once did he try to reach out to me.
What have I asked for guys? I just wanted to feel love because I've given all of my love away and now I don't have any left for myself.
Don't you see it Felix? It's never about me, it's never me. It's always you who is needed and loved and I am always left behind and I am jealous of you for that... and you know I am not wrong, you know it first hand I am not wrong.
I need a mum or a dad or a person who will pour their heart out and love me with everything they have. I just need love and care and understanding people Felix, that's all I ask for and I can never seem to have it.
So... if that is the case, why not die completely?"
"No, Hyunjin. There are people who love you! I love you, Felix loves you, your dog loves you, Taemin loves you-"
"Nobody loves me enough Changbin. Nobody."
"Why don't you try to give that love to yourself?"
"Do you think I've not tried Chanbgin?"
"Clearly not enough."
"See? I'm not enough, nothing I ever do is ever good enough. Don't you guys get it? All that's left for me is death and I am finally achieving that."
"What? Hyunjin, what do you mean?"
"Felix, Changbin I love you so much I hope you do know that. I'm sorry."
"Hyunjin, what did you do?"
"No! Hyunjin!"
