Love's Bite | Astarion x Tav Fanfic

Meaningless Words

My mind was racing. Between barely surviving the Githyanki Crèche, and my sparking feelings for Astarion, I couldn't think. The only solace I found was the fact the dark urge had been somewhat docile for a while. I sat at my tent, reading an interesting book I found in the Crèche. It talked about Githyanki mating. Lae'zel had briefly explained the concept to me, and I found it intriguing. I was completely engrossed in the book, that I barely noticed Astarion approach.
"Hello my little treat. You will come to my bed tonight, won't you?" he asked.
I sat there blank faced.
"Little treat? You can do better."
"Oh I certainly can, it would be my pleasure," he thought for a moment, "how about this one? When I'm with you I feel practically alive, yet I only crave to die again with you."
"Mmm, keep going," I said.
"Hmmmm, let me give it another go," he was thinking again.
"Every part of your perfect body whispers temptation - it's as if the gods made you just to ruin me."
"And..... what else?" I asked. This was too good.
"I can go on all night with the flattery, but is that really what you want?" He asked me theatrically.
I watched him as his composure shifted.
"How about if I said these little words..... everyone's favourite...."
His facial expressions softened, "I love you."
And there it was. A perfect performance of Astarion's game. I don't know what I was expecting. His honeyed words were always too good to be true, but why did those words upset me the most. I guess I wanted to delude myself that everything his said was true. Well up until he said 'I love you.'
"Then you'd be lying," I said.
"Aha, but a rather beautiful lie, nonetheless. Now as much as I relish standing around and saying all my favourite lines. I'd much rather we get to experience each others' full portfolio of talents once again."
I really tried to want it. I did have a lot of fun last time. But now I felt as if I was getting myself in too deep, and I was allowing my feelings to be toyed with.
"I'm sorry, I don't feel like it," I said, avoiding his gaze.
I could feel his eyes on me, "what's going on in that head of yours?"
"It's not your problem."
He stood there silently for a few moments, "Did you not enjoy it last time?"
"No, I did. Trust me. I'm just tired. Please excuse me, I have to go do something," I left. I couldn't breathe. My heart was aching, and I knew my comfort was at the bottom of a bottle of wine.

I sat down on a log overlooking a river. Tomorrow we would head for the Underdark, an incredibly dangerous place, and all I could think about was Astarion. I sipped from the bottle. It was a strong dry white wine.
"Mind if I join you?" Shadowheart came and sat beside me.
"Go ahead," I smiled.
"I need a drink after the Crèche today. Although I'm sure Lae'zel is struggling more, after finding out that the Queen she devoted her life to, is a crazy bitch," Shadowheart said, then sipped from the bottle she brought.
I laughed, "I hope she's doing okay."
"What about you?" She asked.
"Yeah, just overwhelmed by everything."
"Is Astarion the reason?"
I stayed silent. I didn't want to plague Shadowheart with my issues.
"Hey, you're allowed to be struggling. You may be our leader, but we aren't blind to your problems. I can see the way he makes you smile, and then the way he doesn't."
I sipped from the bottle again, "to hell with it. I can feel myself growing feelings for him. I don't know what to do, because you know Astarion, he's says such poetic things that are too good to be true. It just feels like a way to manipulate me."
She nodded, "I can see why you'd think that. But why Astarion may I ask? Yes he is charming at time, and well he is attractive. But you seem the type to see right through that."
"Because he understood where I was coming from with the dark urge, and he knew what to say. I was just so scared, and he made me feel safe," I felt myself smile.
"And the sex had nothing to do with it?" She asked.
I shook my head, "that doesn't really matter to me. He seems to want it, but I just worry I'll let my feelings for Astarion allow him to walk all over me. Don't get me wrong, I like it, although I like the emotional connection from it more. Which is why I had to say no tonight. I couldn't fall deeper."
"You really care about him, don't you?" She asked.
I nodded, then sipped on more wine.
"Well I don't know Astarion like you do, so I can't speak for him. But if you like him, there's no harm in seeing where it goes," Shadowheart said.
"Yes but I don't want to get hurt."
"We all get hurt. It's unavoidable," she said.
I signed.
"Just take some time for yourself, I don't think Astarion is going anywhere anyway."
"Thank you Shadowheart," I smiled.
"No problem. Now let's try and find Lae'zel, she's probably dealing with something too."
I laughed, "of course. Let's go."
We stood up, and with wine in hand, we went to go relax with Lae'zel.

————

A few days had passed since I had a full conversation with Astarion. I just needed to clear my head for a while. We traversed the Underdark and happened upon Grymforge, our ticket to the Shadowlands. Before we could proceed, I promised the head of the operation there to a myconid colony, and the freedom of the Grymforge slaves to a gnome. We had succeeded with relative ease. Our group was getting stronger. Lae'zel, Shadowheart, Astarion and I made a great team.
That night at camp we celebrated. Everyone was in high spirits. We were one step closer to removing the parasite from our heads.
I looked around, and quickly realised that Gale wasn't celebrating with us.
As I scoped the camp, I spotted him at his tent.
I stood up and walked over to him, he had conjured a projection of a woman and was examining her.
"Who's that?" I asked.
"Oh! My, you startled me.... I was miles away." He said.
"Who is she?"
"Mystra is magic. And as far as I'm concerned, she is all of creation. Magic is my life, and I've been in touch with the weave for as long as I can remember. There's nothing like it. It's music, poetry and physical beauty all rolled into one."
"That's fascinating," I said.
"Would you like to experience it?" He asked.
I nodded.
Gale performed some hand movements, then a purple wisp appeared.
"Now you," he said.
I hesitated, I felt as if I was going to screw it up.
I imitated his gestures, and just as it did for him, a purple wisp appeared.
A warmth filled me.
"Now repeat after me: Ah-Thram Mystra-Ryl Kantrach-Ao."
I copied as he did.
As soon as I did, the scent of rose water flooded me, and I could feel a sliver of the weave on my tongue. It was sweet.
"Very good. Now picture the concept of harmony in your mind, as true as you can."
I did as he instructed.
Mists of purple slithered around us. I could sense it, the presence of a woman, the one who hovered over Gale's palm.
Then I felt it, the anticipation of a kiss. And then, the pleasure of being cloaked in peace. Almost as if I was nestled in the cup of Mystra's hand.
"You did it! You're channeling the weave. How does it feel?" Gale asked.
"Magical. Sensual even," I said.
"That it does," his eyes sparkled as he said it.
The weave connected us in a way the parasite never could. The moment felt intimate. It struck me that the weave was making us one. I panicked as Gale gazed at me, and Astarion entered my mind. I broke the connection in an instant.
Gale laughed awkwardly. I wondered if he had seen it.
"Let's go join the festivities," I smiled.
Then dragged Gale to the campfire.

I indulged in more alcohol, telling myself I had earned it. I was dancing by the campfire with Shadowheart, Karlach and Wyll as Volo played a ballad. I could feel the alcohol getting to my head, I stumbled back and sat on the ground, then raised my goblet to drinks
"Having fun?" Astarion approached me.
"Yes," I said, sipping from my goblet.
"You and Gale sure seemed rather cosy before," he said, in a curious tone.
I frowned, "if you're here because you want sex. I'm not in the mood."
"What would make you think that?" He asked sounding taken aback.
"That's all you want from me. I'm just part of your game," I said words slurring.
He frowned, "tav, you're drunk."
"You know it's true. I may be innocent but I'm not stupid," I whined.
He stayed silent.
"What? No honeyed words for me now?"
"I...." He began.
"Well I have feelings too. I may appear composed on the outside, but inside all my emotions just overwhelm me," I said. The loud music played in the background.
Astarion remained silent. I avoided his stare.
"Is that why you've been avoiding me?" He asked.
"I just needed to think," I said quietly.
"I understand. Sex means more to you than it does to me, and that's okay," Astarion said softly.
"What do you mean?"
"You thought it was meaningless on my part. Like I was just using you for a good time, and that bothered you. Cazador used my body to lure people to their deaths. I've probably slept with thousands of people, and I could count the time I actually enjoyed it on my hand. That is why I hold no value in it. But with you, it was different, I actually enjoyed it."
"What?" I asked.
"You helped me feel an emotion I thought I couldn't anymore," he said hesitantly.
A dumb smile swept across my face. He laughed a little. I wanted to close the distance between us so badly. To kiss him, and hug him. But still something stopped me. Still, my anxiety loomed.
Any thoughts of kissing Astarion quickly subsided, as I felt my stomach lurch.
"Ah shit," I stood up and ran over to a nearby bush.
There I emptied my stomach contents. Astarion walked over and held my hair.
"I don't miss this part of drinking," he rubbed my back.
"This is so unattractive," I said hunched over.
"Honey, I drank from rats for two centuries. Nothing can be more unattractive than that," he said.
I laughed before emptying my stomach one last time.
"Come on, you need some water," he said.
Astarion guided me back to my tent, and gave me a bottle of water to drink.
"Get some sleep," he said as he turned to leave.
"Wait," I said.
He stopped.
"You can drink from me tonight if you want."
A smile crept across his face, "that's sweet of you, but you've been drinking. You're probably dehydrated. It wouldn't be good for you."
"Tomorrow?" I asked.
He smiled, "tomorrow."
I sipped my water and watched as he returned to his tent.