In Waves | ✔️

34 | the lighthouse

The closer I get to the sea, the colder it gets. I would zip up Matt's jacket if it wasn't so big. Completely covering my shorts would make it look like I'm walking around half-naked, so I huddle up tight as I scramble over the rocks and reach a sandy pathway to the lighthouse. 

The weight of my overthinking presses down on me like the weight of the ocean crashing against the rocks. Matt seemed to have a good time tonight, but I know this group will never truly be his friends. It's one of those unwritten rules, right? You lose friends when you get into a relationship. They drift away or you cut them out, and it's just the way things go.

Standing on the cusp of finally having a group of friends, I guess I couldn't help trying to make Matt see them as his own. I was desperate to hold onto them, to secure them down before they drift away. To keep Nate in my life.

I pause and take in the scenery around me, the craggy rocks and the waves leaving behind waterfalls of sea foam. Spray hits my skin, invigorating and chilled. I wish I could wash my mind clean with the saltwater and scrub away these incessant thoughts.

Thoughts of two different worlds colliding, of Nate and Alex, of whether I should make it easier and step away to avoid a crossfire. Maybe I should just pick a side and stick to it - Matt's side, with the popularity and the parties and the spotlight.

After all, that's what I've been preparing myself for. Long before Nate Miller crashed into my life on a beach I never wanted to be at in the first place.

Maybe I should just drift away and wherever I end up, I end up. Maybe it really is that simple.

"Hey."

My head whips to the voice muffled by waves and wind. I breathe easy when I see Nate pulling on an olive green hoodie as he walks over the rocks.

He tries pushing back his unruly hair, to no avail. "You okay?"

I quickly nod. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, Matt left, and you wandered off all alone." He smoothly hops over the rocks and jumps up to the pathway. "And I know you're not the steadiest on flat surfaces, so you could end up with a cracked skull out here."

"Shut up."

He giggles lightly. Teases lightly. Everything about him is light, and as he sets his glinting gaze on me, I know with certainty that nothing about him is simple. Not as simple as I want it to be.

"Really, are you okay?" Nate asks, stuffing his hands in his hoodie pockets.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Matt's just meeting up with his friends, and I'm just taking a walk. Thinking."

"You do that a lot."

"Think?"

"Zone out."

"That's not the same as thinking."

"You do that a lot, too."

I roll my eyes. "If you're trying to annoy me then it's working."

A soft smile creeps up. "As memory serves, you take walks to think when you're upset. That's what happened at the party, right? Matt left and you took a walk. Just like you're doing now."

"I'm not upset," I say, turning to continue along the path. "I think you're just projecting."

"Projecting what?"

"Your own feelings. You took a walk that night too, and you said you wanted to be alone. So by your logic that must mean you were upset."

The thumps of his footsteps carry behind me, but he doesn't answer. Not instantly. "You're right, I was. And then you showed up, and if you hadn't then I probably would have stayed angry and bummed out all night."