WHAT HAPPENED IN NEW YORK WASN'T MY FAULT ~angst~

NOT DEEP ENOUGH TO KILL ME.

LOKI'S PRONOUNCE IN THIS CHAPTER:
He/They

LOKI'S POV

"Your a disappointment,"
I hear my Father saying.
You're never going to be like your brother."

"You killed your Mother, you monster,"
Was the last he said.

Suddenly, I am alone, lying on the floor.
Everywhere is blood,
my blood.
I hear a voice coming closer.
"You are so hard to break,
But not hard enough for me,"
Says Thanos.
"No... please... don't... hurt me... Stop.... please,"
I say with a quiet voice while he cuts me with a knife.
The cuts are not deep enough to kill me but deep enough to leave a scar.
"You are so pathetic," says Thanos.
"I...I... please.... let me go.... I... just... want... to go..... home."
"Which Home?
Did you forget that you don't have one?
Where do you want to go? Back to Odin?
You know that they hate you; they all do.
Even Thor and even your mother.
Did you forget what you did?
Did you forget what a disappointment you are?
Remember that you killed your own mother, letting her think that you don't love her.
You should be happy that you can stay here. now shut up!
and let me finish doing what a pathetic little creature like you are deserves."

I sprang awake, tears in my eyes.
I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself.
I don't know why I do that; it just gives me comfort.
I tried to catch my breath.
I know that I'm having a panic attack again.
"Please... help... me,"
I try to scream, knowing that no one can hear me.
Every time I wake up from a nightmare,
I wish that someone was here to hold me,
to tell me that everything was okay,
and that I am safe,
or just someone who would help me catch my
Breath again.
In my frustration, I took a vase from the table, broke it, and took one of the pieces.
Placed it on my wrist with shaking hands.
I need to,
I deserve this,
No one cares about me, so I could just...

One cut.
Two cuts.
Three cuts.
I couldn't stop myself.
It feels so good,
it doesn't really hurt,
because my body is used to it by now.
I am just a Freak.
Thanos was right.
I am a frost giant; how could they not hate me?
I am a monster.

I did one last deep cut.
Not deep enough to kill me but deep enough to leave a scar
next to all the old scares
made by Thanos
and myself.

NO ONE'S POV:

Today is the funeral of Frigga.
All of Asgard is there to mourn her death,
except for her own child.

"Father, why can't Loki come to the funeral?
It is his mother too;
you know that they had a special connection. You can't just let him stay down there.
Mother would have never wanted that,"
says Thor, angry.
"Why couldn't you just save your mother?
Then no one would have to go to the funeral,"
he says coldly and leaves.

Loki is still in their cell.
He wasn't doing better,
but he heard one of the guards talk about the funeral.
He knew that his father wouldn't allow them
to go, so they didn't even expect to get invited.

But Thor had other plans.
He couldn't just let his sibling suffer in the dungeons;
he knew his own pain
and could never imagine how Loki felt
alone down there.

Thor went to the cells to get Loki.
At this point, he didn't care about the horrible things Loki did in New York;
he just needed someone to talk to and knew that Loki needs that too.

When they were children,
Thor always went to Loki's room every time Odin screamed at him for not doing enough.
He hid in Loki's blanket and curled up in Loki's arms.
When they became older, Loki started to do that too.
Thor never knew why;
some days Loki went to him in the middle of the night, crying and having a panic attack.
Thor helped him to catch his breath and hugged him as tightly as he could to tell him that he is safe and no one is going to harm him.
He thinks it had something to do with the way Odin talks about Loki.
To be honest,
he really, really misses Loki.

In the dungeons were only 2 guards.
"Hello, my dear friends,"
he said.
The guards looked at him confused.
"I am just here to get my brother."
They didn't really believe him, but both of them were tired, and they really didn't want Thor to get mad at them;
they knew how that would end.
So they let him go to Loki's cell.
He saw Loki reading on his bed.
But he knew his sibling too well to know
that this is definitely an illusion
which scared him.
"Loki?"
Thor asked.
"Yes, brother dear?"
They said in their usual sarcastic tone.
"Loki, please stop with the illusions.
I'm here to help."
Loki's face dropped.
what was Thor planning?
He knew that Thor wouldn't go
until he showed his real emotions,
so he got rid of the illusion.

Loki was sitting on the floor,
his head still in his knees,
blood dripping down from his arms.
He was clearly crying,
his whole body looked exhausted,
probably because of the panic attack he was still having.
Thor had seen Loki in very bad moments,
but it had never been this bad.

Thor was worried sick
and opened the cell as fast as he could,
rushing to his sibling's side.
"Hey, Loki?"
he said in a soft voice.
Loki didn't answer.
"Look at me, please, Lokes?"
Loki looked up.
They couldn't believe that their brother was really here,
helping him like back then when they were children.
Thor hugged Loki.
At first, Loki flinched,
which concerned Thor even more,
but after minutes of laying there like this,
Loki relaxed in his brother's arms
and stopped crying.
"Lokes?" Thor asked.
"Yes?" Loki said with a shaking voice.
"What happened to your arm?"
Thor didn't want to upset them,
but he was worried.
Loki sighed, and his breathing got worse again.
"Lokes, look at me. I am sorry.
Hey, please look at me."
Loki looked up;
all of this seemed unreal.
Thor tried calming them down,
resting one of Loki's hands on his chest
so they could follow his breathing.
"Breathe in, 1..2..3..4.."
Thor guided.
"Breathe out..."
Loki tried to follow Thor's breathing.
It really helped them calm down.
"Are you okay?"
Thor asked after he noticed that Loki
could breathe normally again.
This made Loki laugh in pain.
"Silly question."

Thor knew that he needed to ignore the scars for a while.
Loki was clearly not ready to talk about them,
but Thor wasn't happy about the thought that Loki did them himself.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
he said,
looking at Loki's wrist again,
noticing more scars on his arms and legs.
"I... I... heard,"
Loki said, his hands shaking.
"It's okay, Lokes, take your time,"
Thor said, taking Loki's hands for support.
"I heard about the death of... of... mother... it... it was all my fault,"
he said, starting to cry again.
"Hey, no, Lokes,
please don't blame yourself.
You're the last person who could be the reason for her passing;
you were locked up in here."
"But... but... Thor... do you know what I said to her before she... she... died?"
Thor looked confused.
"I told her that she wasn't... my mother... I didn't mean it,
but I still said it."

"Lokes, it's okay,
I swear to you,
she knew that you loved her."
"But... but..."
"Loki, I don't know what happened to you,
and I am really worried,
but for now, we need to go to the funeral of our mother.
But promise me we'll talk about all this afterwards.
I know I shouldn't ignore your crimes,
but you are still my brother,
and I love you and care for you more than anything.
That's why I came to get you.
Odin didn't want you to come,
but I need you right now,
brother."
Loki hugged their brother.
It bothered him a bit the way Thor said "brother,"
but for now,
he was just happy to get support,
even though he still thinks that it's just a prank.

Thor helped his sibling to get up.
Loki was still a bit dizzy and shaking,
so he swung Loki's arm around his own neck to help him walk.
They got out without getting noticed, because Loki used his power to change their appearance.

Thor planned to watch the funeral from a roof near the place,
so no one could see the two siblings.

Thor sat down;
Loki was next to him and rested his head on Thor's shoulder.
Thor looked at them worried.
"Everything is going to be okay,"
said Thor, hoping that maybe everything that happened in New York wasn't really Loki's fault.
He really hopes his sibling is innocent.
Thor didn't know if it had something to do
with seeing his sibling hurt like this
or if he was just being delusional,
but either way,
he needed to find out the truth.
But for now,
he wanted to make sure that Loki was okay and safe in his arms.