I Remember You.

Chapter 46 - Express Yourself.

Lorelei Anderson...

Facing Kevin as we tried to get our breaths back under control, I could feel my apprehension rising, I felt so conflicted.

If I tell him I am a virgin, I run the very real risk of him putting a stop to all of this right now. And I honestly do not think that I could handle that but at the same time, I don't know that I should let him do this without all the facts. The very idea of letting this continue without telling him, feels like a betrayal and I do not want to start this with a lie.

But what if I tell him and he puts the brakes on and tells me this is never going to happen? It is a very real possibility because Kevin is a man of morals and integrity, it is one of the reasons I love him as much as I do.

What if I tell him and he laughs at me? No! Kevin can be a lot of things but purposely cruel is not one of them. I admire him for that especially when he has every right to be closed off.

I love him. So much more than I even knew. And that means I have to put my trust in him, right?

Am I really concerned about him putting a stop to this, or is my fear coming from how pathetic I feel at being a 19-year-old virgin? I want to tell myself that I am proud of the fact that I waited but there is a part of me, call it pride, or whatever you want, but I can't do it. I can't find solace in my decision to wait. Regardless of the fact that I waited for Kevin.

Now I am faced with the very real situation where I am in bed with the star of every single one of my fantasies and all I feel is shame. A deep-rooted sense that there is no way I am going to be able to satisfy him. "That's a way too serious look for the moment, sweetheart," he shivered as my fingers lightly traced across his defined abs, my own shiver is just as strong because I honestly never thought that this would ever happen.

"There's something that I have to tell you-" ok, so I am doing this. I am going to come clean because I know that it is the right thing to do. Kevin deserves to have all the facts so he can make an informed decision.

"I'm listening," gently his hand reaches across the small space between us and carefully brushes the hair back from my face.

"The thing is..." I begin, how the fuck am I meant to admit this?

Do I just blurt it out? A bit like pulling a band-aid off – quick and efficient.

Do I slowly build up to it? Ease him into the truth of what this is.

"I never..." God, why is this so difficult? "When I saw...no, the thing is...you have always...fuck, why is this so hard!?" My frustration was growing at my inability to admit this. I know that I have to. I know that I need him to know before we go any further.

"Take a deep breath sweetheart," he soothed as patiently as he could, and fuck, I loved it when he called me sweetheart, "you can do this!" He encouraged me.

Was he right?

Could I really do this?

Yes. I can do this. I am a strong, independent woman and if this puts him off then he truly isn't the man I had believed him to be.

With my mind made-up, I look him in the eye with confidence and maybe a little bit of pride in myself, "the thing is, I am a virgin!" Oh, thank God. I did it.

I gave him the facts so he can decide whether this is something he really wants or not.

What I did not expect was the smile that came to his face. Oh God, did I get him wrong?