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Chapter 2.

***** Trigger Warning!*****
Do not read this if it makes you uncomfortable. Do not risk your well being. I'll put *** when the triggering part comes up. It is very detailed so read at your own risk.
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After all of my classes are finished for the day I go home and make myself a well deserved cup of tea. While I wait I decide to scroll through tumblr for a bit. No one is posting anything interesting. I reblog a few things and quickly become bored. I close my laptop and lay my head on the table. I feel exhausted. I always feel exhausted. I could sleep for years, but I'd wake up and still feel tired. I just want to sleep and never wake up again. That would be perfect. I hear the kettle squeal and I get up to take it off of the stove top. I grab a cup, and tea bags from their respective cabinets and I set them on the counter. I put the tea bags in my cup and pour in the steaming hot water. I watch as the water begins to turn a light brown color. Tea is wonderful. I let it sit for a few minutes, then I take the tea bags out and throw them in the trash can next to the counter. I walk to the refrigerator and take out the milk. Then I walk to the cabinet and grab a few packets of sugar. I pour the milk and sugar in the cup and stir it quickly. I throw my spoon in the sink and take a sip of my tea, not caring if it burns me. I deserve to feel pain. I hear a meow coming from beside me and I reach down to scratch behind Luna's ears. He purrs and walks to his food bowl. I fill it up and he begins to eat.

Once I finish my tea I go to my room and walk towards my dresser. I open the first drawer and grab a pair of batman pajama bottoms, and boxers. After that I head towards my bathroom and turn on the shower. I go to my room and grab my iPod off of my dresser. I walk back into the bathroom and set it on the counter beside the sink. I type in the password and go to my music app. I click on the song Edward Benz, 27 times by La Dispute and music fills the silence in the bathroom. I love this song.

***** Trigger Warning*****
I made the mistake of glancing in the mirror because the voices immediately start yelling at me. "Look at you, you are nothing! You're fucking worthless! You're too fat. You need to stop eating forever. Your nose is too big. Your thighs are too wide. Your stomach sticks out too far. Your mouth looks stupid. You look stupid. Ugly. Gross. Nothing. Useless. You're own mother didn't want you so why would anyone else? You deserve to die. Kill yourself. End it, no one would give a fuck if you did. No one would notice that you're gone." I grab my hair and scream. I feel the tears running down my face but I couldn't care less. I sink to the ground and bring my knees up to my chest while rocking back and forth. "Die. You don't deserve to live." The voices still haven't stopped. They won't stop! Why won't they stop? I need to make them stop. I quickly stand and run to the sink. I reach up to the cabinet hanging above the sink and open it roughly, nearly making it fall off of the wall. I glance at the bottom shelf and see the razor blades I keep there, specifically for times like these. I take off my clothes, leaving only my boxers. I grab the blade and sink to the floor again. "Do it. Run the blade across your skin. Kill yourself. You deserve this. You're useless. You are nothing. You deserve this. Do it! Do it now!" I can't take it anymore. I put the blade to my thigh and push down while dragging it roughly across my skin. I cut until my thigh is covered in blood. The voices are still yelling at me. "Worthless, stupid, ugly, useless, nothing. Kill yourself, Sean. You fucking deserve to die. Everyone hates you. You deserve to be in pain. You are nothing to no one." I have to make them stop. I need them to fucking stop. I can't take this! I put the blade to my wrist and cut deeply. Blood immediately begins to pour out of the cuts and I sigh in satisfaction at the stinging sensation. By the time I'm finished cutting, my thighs and arms are covered in blood. The voices are quiet for now. It won't last long though, it never does. I watch as the blood puddle underneath me. There's so much blood. I need to get up. I stand up shakily from my place on the bathroom tiles, and walk to the shower slowly. Everything hurts. My head is spinning and blood is pouring from my cuts now. It's fascinating to watch it run down my hands and legs. My bathroom probably looks like the scene of a bloody murder. I get in the shower and I immediately feel like my skin is on fire when the hot water touches my skin. I bite my lip and feel tears running down my face. Oh my god it hurts so bad. It's my fault because I did this to myself but fuck, It hurts. I hate myself so much. The voices are right. I'm a pathetic, worthless piece of shit. No one would care if I disappeared. No one would notice. I'm nothing. I'm just a waste of space. I watch numbly as the water turns red as it runs down the drain. I deserve to die. Maybe I will. I'd be doing the world a favor. I deserve all of this. I deserve to feel like shit. I deserve this. I deserve everything. Everything I've been through, I deserved it. I deserve to feel pain. I am nothing. The voices are right. After cleaning myself and waiting for the water to turn clear I get out of the shower shakily and walk to the sink. My iPod is still playing music. I don't want to hear any of it so I turn it off. I open the cabinet above the sink and put my razor blades back in their place after cleaning them. I look on the top shelf where I keep medical gauze, I grab it and get enough to cover the cuts on my arms and legs, then I put it back in it's place and close the cabinet. I look at myself in the mirror and frown. "You're disgusting." I look at my new cuts and they look awful. They'll definitely scar and that makes me sad. It's stupid that that would upset me considering I do this to myself all of the time, but whatever. I can't stand looking at them anymore, so I take the gauze and cover them up. Once I've finished dressing my wounds, I grab my clothes from the counter and put them on. I walk out of the bathroom ignoring the blood on the floor and make my way to my bed. It's not really that late at night, it's only seven. I sit on my bed and put my head in my hands. I didn't ask to be this way. I hate what I've become these past few years. I feel tears flowing down my face and I don't move to wipe them away. "Pathetic. Look at you crying like a newborn child. Man up, faggot." I hear my phone vibrating on my bedside table and I lean over to grab it. I glance at the screen and it's one if my co-workers, her name is Katie and she's really nice. I clear my throat and press the green button. "Hello?"
"Hi, Sean. I was just wondering if you could cover my shift at work tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure. What time do I have to be there?"
"My shift starts at two in the afternoon. Do you have classes then?"
"No I don't. I'll be there."
"Thank you so much, Sean. I totally owe you for this."
"No problem, Katie."
"Okay, well I'll see you at work Saturday. Byeee!"
"Alright. See you then. Bye." I hang up the phone and sigh. So now I have to go to work on my day off. Great. It's not hard work or anything considering I work in a bookstore, but still. I turn off the lamp beside my bed and get under the blanket. At least I don't have any classes tomorrow, that's good at least. I close my eyes and slowly fall asleep, nightmares filling my mind.