Normal.

Chapter 1.

I wake up to the feeling of tiny paws clawing at my chest and I sigh in content and slowly begin to open my eyes. The first thing I see is my cat's big, green eyes staring at me as if he's waiting for me to wake up. He's so cute. You're not, says the voice in my head. I ignore it and pick up my cat, putting him on the bed beside of me. Then I grab my thick framed glasses from my bedside table, and put them on. I sigh in frustration and grab my hair pulling it harshly. I don't want to do anything today. It isn't surprising considering I never want to do anything. I just want a break, from everything. I stand from my bed and make my way to the kitchen. "Come on, Luna." He meows and jumps onto the floor to follow behind me.

I open the cabinet in the kitchen and reach for Luna's cat food and pour it in his bowl on the floor. He meows as if to say thank you and begins to eat. I walk to my room and walk to my closet to get clothes. Without looking I grab what feels like pants and then a shirt. The shirt is black plaid and the pants are black as well. I don't normally wear colorful clothes. They're too happy and I don't want to be reminded of what I could be like. I put them on and walk to my bathroom to brush my hair and teeth. I don't even bother looking in the mirror because I know I won't like what I see. I never do. After I've finished that I walk back into my room and grab my grey beanie and my backpack from the floor. I grab my keys while walking out of my apartment, locking the doors behind me and head towards the stairs. I walk to my car and hop in turning it on and head out of the parking lot towards school.

Just one more day. One more day and it'll be the weekend and I won't have to deal with people and waking up early. One more day. I lay my head on the steering wheel and breathe in deeply. My hands are shaking and I can't seem to make it stop. Why won't it fucking stop! "Why don't you just end your stupid life? No one fucking wants you here. You're annoying. You live alone so no one would find you for a long time." The voices never stop. They're always there telling me what I should do and I hate it. I hate everything. Sometimes I think I should listen to them. I'm worthless. No one would care if I just disappeared.

I put pressure on my thighs and it creates a stinging sensation because of the fresh cuts that are there and I cannot hear the voices for a second. I feel free, but only for a second because they come back full force and it's like something in my brain has snapped because they're repeating the same words over and over. "Worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, useless, die, die, die, faggot, no one cares about you, end your miserable life." I shake my head and take a few more deep breaths and grab my bag.

I get out of my car and lock the doors and begin walking towards my first class of the day which is psychology. It's a class that I enjoy, though it's hard when we talk about mental disorders because I relate with a lot of that shit and I hate being reminded of my issues. It makes the voices louder and they mock me while laughing cynically. I walk into the classroom and I take my seat in the back by the window. Mr. Samson begins class talking about eating disorders. I decide to tune out and stare out of the window instead. I hate thinking about eating disorders, apparently I have an eating disorder. That's what my therapist said anyways. It's stupid. "Just like you are." I was told I'm a danger to myself and that I should be put into a hospital, but I refuse to go because I hate places like that. That's why I'm going to a therapist instead. I was put into a mental hospital when I was younger, and I hated every second of it. I didn't understand what was going on at the time, but apparently I was a danger to myself back then too. Now I'm 22 and I live alone in an apartment and I constantly want to end my life. I guess I understand why my therapist wants to lock me up, but he thinks I'm getting better. I'm not getting better. I'm only getting worse.

I feel someone staring at me and I look around until I'm starring into these two bright blue eyes. I've never seen this boy before and I can't help but wonder why he's starring at me like that. He waves and I quickly turn my head and look out the window again. "Fucking faggot."

I feel myself zoning out completely and sinking deep into my mind. This happens a lot but I can't help it. It's not like I can fucking control it.

I turn to look at the front of the room I'm in and see a man talking. Who is he? Wait, where the fuck am I? I don't know what the man is talking about. I don't understand anything he's saying. What the fuck is he saying?! "He's talking about how worthless and pathetic you are. You are nothing and everyone knows it. You need to end your life. Do everyone a favor. Die. You're worthless." I can't do this. I quickly grab my things and I get out of my seat making my way towards the door swiftly. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn to see who it is. It's the strange man that was talking and his mouth is moving but no words are coming out. I want to speak but I can't. "Pathetic" I just stare at him blankly and shake my head. I then run out of the room and down the hallway trying to find the bathroom. I don't know where anything is. Where am I?

Someone bumps into me quite roughly and I turn around quickly to see who the asshole is. Who the fuck do they think they are? I feel like ripping someone's head off. I just want to scream. I shove the guy against the wall roughly, and i move towards his face, "Watch where the fuck you're going!" I say loudly. I've never seen this guy before but I decide that I hate his guts. He is nothing, pathetic trash. He nods his head in quick succession and cowers against the wall trying to get away from me. I push him again and he runs off. I punch the wall in absolute frustration and I hear a gasp beside me. Great. Who the fuck could it be now. Why can't people just leave me alone! Fuck! "Are you okay?" A quiet voice asks me. I turn towards the person and I see a short guy with black hair looking at me sympathetically. Who is he? I've never seen this boy before. I don't answer him for a second. He asks again and this time I answer back rudely, "Yes, leave me the fuck alone." I bump into his shoulder aggressively while walking to what seems to be an exit. I walk outside and stop suddenly.

I feel all of my anger dissipate and a massive headache takes its place. I look around in confusion wondering where I am. Why am I outside? How long have I been here? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it's frustrating. I hate this! Fuck! I thought I was getting better at controlling myself. "Of course not. You can't control anything because you are a pathetic piece of shit." I feel my eyes start to water and my breathing begins to quicken. Please no, not now. Not here, please. I feel my hands start to shake and I quickly get into my car and lay my head on the steering wheel. I can't hold back the sobs that steadily begin to fill the silence. "Look at you. You're a fucking useless human being. You're weak. Nothing. Worthless." My crying is interrupted by a knock at my window and I hastily wipe my eyes with my sleeve, sniffling before looking up to see who it is. It's the boy from class. Why is he here? I roll down my window and he looks at me sympathetically. "Are you okay?" I shrug and he frowns. "I'm Gage, what's your name?" I tell him and he smiles like it's the greatest information he's ever received. He's short and cute. "Fucking faggot." He's wearing grey jeans and a long sleeved black shirt with a grey beanie like mine. I can't help but notice the way he pulls down his sleeves every few seconds, like he's hiding something. "Are you going to be alright?" He asks me quietly. I nod. "Okay, I have to get to class, but I hope to see you around." I shrug and say, "I'll see you around. Bye." I roll up my window and start my car. I drive out of the parking lot and make my way towards Starbucks to get coffee. I love coffee. I think I'd die without coffee in my life. It's great! I pull up to the shop and park my car. I walk into the shop and make my way towards the counter. I order my usual beverage which is regular coffee with chocolate mixed in. My name is called to let me know my order is ready and I take it handing the lady my money. I thank her and head toward the exit and to my car. I get in and head home. I don't have another class for two hours so I decide to spend my time with my cat and tumblr.

When I get home I grab my laptop and log into tumblr. I reblog a lot of depressing gifs and quotes and then I just scroll through my dash for a while. My life is pretty boring. I need friends, but that's not a good idea. They'd just get hurt because I'm too unpredictable.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a bunch of shit. One of the main things, and the scariest is dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder. I can't control it, and I refuse to take medication. I don't want to become reliant on drugs to make me normal. That's ridiculous. It might make the voices stop but I refuse to change my mind. I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder, severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and schizophrenia. All of it is annoying. I fucking hate it. I hate myself. Why do I have to be this way?