What Might Have Been

Out of Reach

'Ms. Chiu?'

'Ms. Chiu!'

It was my professor's angry voice that pulled me out of deep thoughts about Xian.

I scrambled to my feet and cleared my throat, my face crimson red from embarassment. How many times did Ms. Cayas tried to get my attention? I had no idea.

'Yes ma'am?' I bit my lower lip, my eyes casted down.

'Do you have any idea how many times I called you?' Ms. Cayas asked sternly, not letting me get away easily.

'Uhm.. sorry ma'am.' I said not meeting my professor's eyes.

Ms. Cayas glared, 'What is the famous phrase coined by Marshall Mcluhan? Explain how does that phrase plays an important role in Communication Studies.'

I drew a deep breath before launching on explaining Marshall Mcluhan's "The Medium is the Message" and it's role in communication studies.

I was finally permitted to sit down after I satisfied Ms. Cayas with my explanation, not wanting to call attention to myself again I tried my best to push my thoughts of Xian away and nodded smartly with what my professor is discussing, but in reality I could not comprehend a thing.

My Communication Theory subject finished without another mishap, though I felt so drained and a migrane attack felt like to loom around the corner. I proceed in the university's clinic after the class and requested for an excuse slip. Luckily I only have one subject left that afternoon, and since it was an elective (Foreign language) my professor agreed to give a copy of that day's exercise to Lenny.

I was walking towards our University main gate when I felt my phone vibrated. I stopped and my heart skipped a beat or two, should I check it? Or should I ignore it? Is it who I wished it was? Or like the previous days the sender was not the one I hoped and prayed to text me?

I guess I wouldn't know if I don't check right? Right!

And so with heart racing and with great anticipation, I fished out the phone from my pocket, closed my eyes and offered a little prayer above, let it be him, please let it be him. I lifted the phone in front of my face and counted one to three before slowly opening my eyes.

JR: Hi honey! See you at 5PM on Saturday? Can't wait to see you! :)

It was JR, my heart dropped to the floor, the message was from the very same person whom I've been avoiding for the past 2 weeks. I faked a fever last weekend as an excuse for me not to go home to Cavite and see JR. Knowing that he is busy with his thesis and his work at the mall I had no qualms pretending to be sick, I know he could (would) not visit me in Manila. Truth is, I wanted to keep my weekends free for Xian.

My eyes teared up and I felt an ache in my heart just by the mere thought of his name. I licked my dry lips and put the phone back in my pocket, I sat down at the curb beside of our University gym, staring blankly ahead unmindful of the stares of my fellow students passing by.

Xian.. What happened? I muttered to myself painfully.

He finally realized that YOU are a mistake! My sane and self-righteous self mocked.

A tear escaped from my eye which I wiped quickly, I looked up and blinked back the tears, my airways constricted making it hard for me to breathe.

No, baka naman busy? Maybe he's pre-occupied with his work. My infatuated self consoled.

Xian being 2 years older is working as an Account Manager at an advertising firm their family owned, while I on the other hand is on my last year rather last 3 months in college.