(TW SWEARING). (Welcome to the unhinged 🥛diary🧀of a autistic/ADHD artist) (while this is a diary,I will not be sharing anything too personal) WASSUUUPP I MADE A Random ONLINE DIARY FOR STRANGERS TO READ! :D JOURNALING IS SUPPOSED TO HELP GROUND SOMEONE IG? Er, bring them back to reality kind of grounding not the punishment.
TIS DAY 1 OF UNHINGED DIARY ENTRIES.10:35AM JULY SEVENTH ON MEH TABLET SO LOWER QUALITY YOOOOOOOOO, I was a mess today, something woke me up at 4 and I was up untill midnight:0 I feel back asleep and woke up properly at 8, ate some breakfast- and by breakfast I mean a partial beef stick, laughing cow and partial frozen chicken pot pie from Marie calenders :0 I tried watching YouTube to chill the fuck out to no avail,and decided to make a whole other chapter. It's summer break, the days are more of a blur then usual. maybe I'll play some Roblox idfk✨
Danm I really like food, I'll prob write a lot about food :0, I love chicken curry, I also kinda Wana ride a horse I see them on yt shorts. I wanna go to a farm and pet a goat they make really frickin funny sounds like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- why am i cold ;-; i have sweater blanket slippers socks, and outside during summer :-: i think i read somewhere that autistic peeps can have difficulty regulate body temp? Or was that ADHD...I think it was the first one. Hm. I wanna start working out but I find it slightly embarrassing for some reason? I think it's called gym anxiety, I might have anxiety too- idk meh shrug, you know what I wanna do? I want to eat more carnival food. Like fried stuff and street food, like from stalls and food trucks BUT THEY AINT AROUND HERE.
I AM EVERYWHERE- I AM THE DARK NIGHT BATMAN.
DAY 1 CONTINUES, 1:23 PM, so I got obsessed with kawaii playlist today, and I sat down to draw and somehow, cleaned my desk, put away some cloths, folded some cloths, and hung up a few..and went through a random drawer and threw away some trash, giving my room some slight new decor along with turning a chaos pile into an organized pile of chaos. -.-
I also went outside and touched grass. :0
last entry of day 1, its 8:10 pm now, i feel more chill but i doonnn wannna jinx it :/ i also had reeses :> i love you reeses goodnight
day 2, 7/8/2023 (computer) i am lazy ;> i survived today that will be all.
i also had a SAMMICH.
(edit on 7/10/2023) i am already feeling lazy about this :-: entries will be inconsistent
(Edit on,sat,July 18th) the number of days will be counted as every time I write that current day, instead of how many irl days pass.
YOO day 3, I am a little tired, I think I fucked up my sleep schedule reading Harry Potter lol, also being anxious is very annoying. Well, I got up early and picked out fabric for a quilt :> I lost track of the day, it's to much of a blur and that worries me so I decided to start writing again. Then I ate a cheese burger, and some macc in cheese :3 (I love Mac n cheese) and sat down to watch some SPIDER MAN °^°
DAY 4 (7/16/2023/4:20 PM) I MADE MYSELF A SANDWICH WITH GARLIC INNIT AND IT OVERPOWERED NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- i went to store and picked out the meat for it at deli and everything... i also played and cuddled with meh pets :> yo, imma have enchiladas with the SPICY BEANS YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA-
LOL LOOK AT TINY BAKU HES SO SMOL >:>
day 5,8/2/2023 8:45 PM computer, again i only count the days that i write on sooooo and i have been feeeling lazy but basically i had a panic attack yesterday bc alll of a sudden i did not want to gender i wanted to hide in black, it was sudden and suffocating,this happened yesterday- i plan on showering, trying to get more sleep and eating more...and hiding in comfy hoodies :.>
journaling is supposed to help i was feeling lazy..i already figured out i am demigirl though.. idk if i am right in-between girl and nonbinary, or if i lean slightly more towards nb,but prefer demigirl- i don't think it needs to be a perfect 50 50, maybe its 60-40? bye now.
day 6,8/3/2023,8:06 PM,computer,the disassociation is getting worse, i looked n the mirror and felt like i was seeing a completely different person. i don't feel like me.
day 7,822 pm, 8/6/2023.
i don't feel like me.
the person in the mirror is like a stranger. i thought i was getting better but i suddenly went downhill. it sounds cheesy but my parents just don't understand. this is a genuine panic attack/gender crisis.
Day 8, 2:10 PM mon, Aug 7. I cried in the bathroom today, I spilt some water on the over (it's a gastop,it was off and not hot) and I told my mom,so I went to clean it by putting the napkin through the hole things- she said something along the lines of "really? It comes off" I didn't remember that. She mentioned that she takes it off to clean it every week. I didn't remember or notice that,I felt a little stupid. She said something about needing to pay more attention to things,and I reluctantly told her "it's literally called ADHD" she said "really." Again, and said I was using it as an excuse,that I need to think slower and use "those yt tips you watch" "to hurdle over that" as if its an obstacle I'm supposed to pass eaisly,but then she also said..(this is what made me go to the bathroom to cry when she wasn't looking)
"I would prefer if you go back on the medication for this, but you don't want that" she...
I felt like a problem when she said that,some thing to be "fixed" by a pill. I have a hard time talking rn, and already felt like I couldn't confide in them about anxiety anymore, there good parents,but they really misunderstood my mind, i don't want to feel stupid, i don't want to be missing all these things that seem obvious to everyone else,i don't want to feel like a retard, but when i hear anything like: "really?. -_-" "your *insert age* you should know this by now." "Act.your.age." "wait untill you have REAL problems to worry about" not only am i dealing with a gender crisis,and self diagnosed anxiety, but also not feeling like me, like dissociation. I can't write anymore rn.
day9 8/13/2023, 8:50 PM, man i am so anxious, i had the worst chill EVER last night i ws SHAKING SHIVERING AFTER A NIGHTMARE, THE NIGHTMARE WASENT EVEN THAT BAD BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN A FEW MINS AFTER THAT I WAS SO COLD, AND ANXIOUS AND CRAP, HAD TO TALK TO MY DAD, ALSO ME AND MY MOM MADE UP,WE GOOD NOW- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I HOPE TONIGHT IS BETTER AND THE CHILLS AREN'T SO BAD.
I ALSO START SCHOOL AGAIN TOMORROW AND I HOPE ITS NOT TOO HARD.
RIGHT CLICKING TO FIX SPELLING ON THE COMPUTER HAS SAVED ME-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA day10 9/7/2023 4:03 PM. I HAVE BEEN TENSE ALL DAY, NAGGING ANXIETY I KEEP FOCUSING ON MY BREATHING TOO MUCH AND THEN I THINK IM NOT GONNA BE OKAY, WHICH MAKES ME FEEL LESS OKAY AND HOLY FUCK WHY CANT I RELAX, THIS IS THE HARDEST ITS EVER BEEN TO RELAX. EDHVHWRUGIUERYRGUIOERYUIHUIGIAYGKYFYAFRIFUOGIUAGYIVGRIEGYVRGDIYGDGIEDUIGUISGUISUIGUIRGUIGUSGIUGEUGVJKSGKGUGUIUISGUIGDFUGDGJKUGDUGUFGUBGURIGBUGDUIGUGUISDUIGUIDGBUIDFGBHFGFHJFGVJYGDYGBGMJHFKIGNNG.
DAY 11 6:36 PM 9/9/2023 its hard to relax my breathing, i think i forgot to eat for a long time and that made me light headed, making me ever more worried, going outside for a bit and eating helped, but im still a little tense..
YOU ARE READING
"IS THE END REALLY THE END?"
Random"everyone has fears, and today i will share mine with you." this is a vent/reflective essay that i wrote, thought i would share- maybe we could talk about it- this has some messed up stuff so i'm giving many warnings (read the tags below)...
