"IS THE END REALLY THE END?"

VENTING AGAIN.. (anxious edition)

...so long story short this is gonna be a bit dark, but not as dark as the last one, but a bit more rushed.                                                                                                                                                                                         

i have been getting way more anxious lately to the point where its interfering with my life a bit,  first it would start with something small, like how i started to pay way to much attention to my breathing. "am i okay? im okay right?" and getting out of breath easily- part of it is prob bc i dont get much exercise and should definitly get more- but my mind is also definitly a big part of this too.

then i would worry about my heart. "its still beating right- is my heart okay?! am i okay!??" my heart would feel weird bc of this. it also gets harder to breath- hence the paying to much attention bit.

more recently,last night actully- my heart gave me a scare- im bad with words it was sudden. lasting like a secound or two i was paying a little to much attention to my breathing but i was not that bad yet- so it surprised me, ill uh try to explain, maybe it was like it jumped and i was suddenly like "OH NO OH NO" for like 1 or 2 secounds, it was followed by the same thing a little later and a bunch of smaller versions that made me gasp slighlty. i dont remeber but my legs were prob trembling again. wich also happend when it got really bad.

it is way worse at night. i had to wake my mom twice bc i was scared. and i thought "if something is wroung with me thell be right there to help- it did help me calm down but i annoyed her, and i need to find better solutions.

i thought it was getting better but last night was probaly the worst so far, i should prob be getting more sleep i end up staying up later then i did before trying to calm down- even though it already took hours for me to fall asleep before.

i googled some things but googled is prob just putting even more ideas in my head, making it worse it brought up some things like low blood pressure and anxiety?

i forgot to mention in the bigining (despite loving food alot) that eating felt like a chore enless it was something i really really liked. there was also the paying attetion to my breathing to much, i also felt light headed somtimes when it got worse and felt i was about to faint. i havent gotten the about to faint feeling again in a while tough. but i do get light headed sometimes still.

i think me getting to cold also influences it my teeth chatter and my legs tremble really bad when it gets worse (ussally at night when im suposued to be falling asleep).  

i uh try not to think about it but when it gets really bad its so much harder im debating on looking for a theripist but its expenseive and i feel a little guilty and idk if im willing to talk to someone for that long..50 mins? so long and with a stranger, its therepy even the right thing for me? theres also the small chance that i get a bad one who makes things even worse then before.

i know most of this is in my head. but its still scary sometimes. i try to distract myself and ignore it but maybe i was bottling it up without realizeing it. so maybe i should write about it like this.letting it out in a peacfull way, i think i feel a bit better right now and i hope things get better- but idk if im getting better anymore. idk what to do. idk if i can talk to someone for 50 mins but a random comment sounds better- wich prob sounds weird, why talk to a stranger on the internet when you can talk to a expert who is also a stranger? idk, the idea of talking to someone idk on here about this sounds kinda good.

please.