Hop-On Hop-Off

Sechs.

Imagine being so much of a disappointment that you end up having no reason ever to return home after working hard the entirety of day. Imagine being so desperate for some affection and love that you end up becoming attached to every person that walks into your life. 

Stop.

Why was it that every time someone tried to make you believe the side they chose to show, you trusted on it with your life just because that side was kinder to you than most? And then you wonder why the world is always cruel towards you. It isn't cruel, you're just weak.

So weak.

Please, stop.

And pathetic.

No.

And breakable. 

A loud splash echoed as my trembling hand subconsciously pushed a glass of water over the table and I was broken out of my trance by the wailing of sirens outside in the street. 

See? So weak that you can't even face the reality.

A gasp tore free from me at the way my spiraling thoughts consumed me. My throat threatened to clog up before I felt like all the air was sucked out of me and there was no oxygen left in the room. I clawed my fingers through my hair, wishing, hoping, begging, to be set free from this  undeniably heavy pressure being pressed on my chest and to just gain some semblance of control over my body. 

I didn't realise when I started sobbing uncontrollably, tears spilling down my cheeks with no remorse. I felt like I didn't know my body at all. 

"I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm such a huge mess," I whimpered repeatedly to thin air. 

So many voices were whispering. Everywhere and everything was a painful reminder of my life. 

And yet no one stood by my side save for the memories.

I wept till I couldn't no more, silently gazing at the light emitting from my still open laptop, the cursor blinking on my incomplete manuscript document in a taunting way, piercing another jab as a failure right into my very soul.

My mouth curled in a cold manner, "Sometimes, I feel like a mistake. A mistake made to exist out of no will...exactly like the life she's been made to put through, with no will."

Mindlessly, I began snicker to no one like a maniac, "People left, life aims left, any motivation there was, it left too."

"Why are we expected to continue everyday when whatever we do just results in defeat and nothing more? Why am I made to be put through this never-ending loop knowing damn well there is no end to any of it but mine?"

I sniffed, "Why are our lives played like a sad song knowing damn well it all ends in tragedy and nothing more?"

But I received no reply save for some more resigned silence. 

-----------------------------------------------------

Beams of light shone through the half opened blinds. The constant chirruping of birds stirred me a bit before I felt another kiss of sunlight shadowing my tear dried face. 

Suddenly, as though jolted by a sugar rush, I came back to reality just when I thought I was on the brink of falling into an empty void. I hated those dreams with a passion because they made me feel helpless even when I was doing the most comfortable thing on this planet, sleeping. 

I sighed reluctantly.

Rubbing my fingers on my eyes in order to clear the remnants of sleep behind, I made my way to the bathroom down the narrow hall and began with my everyday routine.