Safety in The Form Of a Knight (Madeleine x Espresso)

17. Hallucinations

⚠️This chapter contains self harm and overdose/suicide⚠️

Morning light from the window hit his tired eyes, and they slowly opened, his head resting on the messy desk inside his lab. It had been just over three weeks since Madeleine's death, and he could barely concentrate on his work. All his thoughts were filled with the moments they had spent together. He felt tears begin to sting the back of his eyes as he thought about Madeleine again. He just wished he was still with him. But he wasn't.

Espresso locked himself in his lab for days—much longer than he usually did, barely eating and drinking enough to survive. His motivation to do anything was so low, he didn't want to move. He didn't want to live.

Piles of books and papers were scattered across the room, reminding him how far behind he was on his work. He forced his exhausted body upright, wiping the tears that had begun to fall down his face.

A shaky sigh escaped his lips. He felt so guilty, he felt like it was all his fault that Madeleine was dead. Although Latte tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault, he knew she was wrong. That looming presence of shame always stayed in his mind, constantly reminding him that he was the one to blame.

Speaking of Latte, she was staying with him at his house. She wanted to make sure he was okay, she knew he blamed himself for Madeleine's death. She'd check on him everyday telling him that she loved him and she was there for him.

Espresso glanced around the room. It had gotten so messy in such little time. He didn't care though. On his desk sat an open bottle of Ibuprofen. He had a constant headache since Madeleine's death, and took the pills everyday. Some days he took more than others, but no matter how many pills he took, the pain never went away fully.

He reached for the bottle, dumping out some pills into his hand. He didn't bother to check how many he had poured out. It didn't matter anyway. He swallowed the pills with a sip of old coffee that had been on his desk for days.

He leaned back in his chair, his head swirling from the lack of sleep. He longed to be with Madeleine. He would do anything to be with him again, even if it was just for a few minutes. Tears fell down his face as he desperately tried to stop them. "Damn it." He muttered to himself as he stood up, wiping the tears from his face. But they wouldn't stop. The tears kept coming.

His breathing grew faster as thoughts of Madeleine forced their way into his brain. Tears blurred his vision. He anxiously started to pace around the lab. He missed Madeleine. He missed him more than anything. Why had he been such a fool not to realize he was dying? Why didn't he realize Madeleine was suffering?

He remembered when Madeleine had taken him to that restaurant where they got pasta and cake. Espresso remembered how flustered he was when Madeleine first suggested it. He thought it was a date. And who knows? Maybe it was. But now he'll never know.

He stopped suddenly as he glanced up. He was starting to hallucinate.

Hallucinations had been becoming more and more frequent every day, and to stop them, Espresso took more Ibuprofen. It never seemed to work, though.

He grabbed the bottle again, dumping more pills into his mouth as he tried to calm shaking body down.

Little black dots were forming in his vision. Espresso shut his eyes. He hated the hallucinations. But he probably deserved it. Maybe this was his punishment for letting Madeleine die.

His breathing grew faster as he pulled his sleeve down, looking at his self harm cuts. The past few weeks had been so difficult. He had found a way to cope though.

He remembered when Madeleine took him up to the rooftop. They sat together and looked at the stars. It was a beautiful night. It was the happiest night of Espresso's pathetic life.

His fingers brushed over the scars on his wrist. They were bumpy. But surely a few more scars would be okay.

Espresso stood back up as he cried and trembled. He stumbled up to his desk, leaning on it for support as he reached behind a stack of books and pulled out a razor. He couldn't take it. It hurt too much.

As the hallucinations got worse, he closed his teary eyes, beginning to feel lightheaded. "Maybe I took too many pills this time." Espresso thought to himself.

He stumbled a bit and fell backward and to the ground as he let out a grunt in pain. His body could barely hold himself up anymore, that's how pathetic he was. A few shaky breaths forced their way out of his body as he glanced over into the mirror hanging on his wall. He stared at himself.

His eyes were red from crying. The same eyes Madeleine used to look into and tell him that everything would be okay, or that he loved him. Espresso held the razor up to his wrist as he stared at his eyes some more. His red, puffy eyes that were messed up from crying. Crying... Ugly, pathetic crying...

One quick slice later, the razor had cut his skin open on his wrist. He squeaked in pain, before immediately clasping a hand over his mouth. "Shut up, Latte will hear you."

He remembered when on top of the rooftop, Espresso confessed his love towards Madeleine. When Madeleine told him he loved him back... This feeling of indescribable happiness and hope filled Espresso. He had never been happier.

And then Madeleine kissed him. Espresso never wanted the moment to end. Madeleine made him feel so safe. He made him feel so loved.

But now Madeleine's dead. And it was all Espresso's fault.

He cut again. "Fuck..!" Espresso breathed as blood dripped from his cut and onto the floor. He felt tears sting the backs of his eyes. More thoughts of Madeleine flooded back into his brain. "N-No... No, no, why am I still thinking about him..?" Espresso whispered to himself. "This is supposed to make me stop thinking about him..." He held the razor back up to his wrist. Maybe he just needed to try harder.

He cut and cut and cut, over and over and over. His cuts were stinging, burning as the thoughts finally stopped. Espresso barely had the courage to look at the damage he had done to his wrist. He winced. It was bad.

Even though the thoughts had stopped, his hallucinations were getting worse.

Maybe a few more pills will stop them.

After taking even more pills, he set the bottle down. He sat back in his chair as he laid his face down on the desk and sobbed. He was so tired. He wished he was dead, like Madeleine. No, he wished he was dead instead of Madeleine. Madeleine didn't deserve to die, he did nothing wrong.

He glanced up again, reaching for the pill bottle again. His hallucinations were getting worse. But he stopped. Something moved in the corner of the room. Some weird, humanoid shaped shadow. Espresso felt his heart skip a beat, fear filling his body. He turned to face it.

"M-Madeleine-..?!"

Authors Note: Sorry for disappearing for a year haha I don't have an explanation but... Yeah. Sorry and enjoy ig 💀