Loving Madness

9. Breaking

Bad Things- Camila Cabello and MGK

Dr. Sampson looks stunned but doesn't question anything. I see the gears turning in her mind and know that she must have been listening to our conversation. Forever analyzing, and using the information to hopefully help patients. As soon as I leave the room, I feel guilty. I regret leaving like that. I know I was wrong, but damn he could be dumb. My feet stall in the middle of the hallway and I know I can't leave him like that.

"I have to go back," I tell the doctor. She looks confused as hell, and I don't blame her.

"Why?"

"Because I can't leave him. Even if he is the dumbest person on Earth, it isn't an excuse for me to be an ass." I can't help but throw that middle part in. I had to find a way to vent my frustrations with him before going back. "I didn't do anything crazy and I left before I did. I'm fine now and I would like to go back, in case he needs me again."

"Don't you think that's enough experimentation for one day? I mean, you did well the first time you got angry, but how do you know you will be able to keep your cool if it happens again?" Damn her. Always trying to squeeze bits and pieces out of me. I don't really have a choice but to play her game if I want to get my way.

"Because, Dr. Sampson," I say her name with slow articulation, just for effect, making her lean forward in anticipation. "I was panicking when we left my room and I was able to ground myself, even through delusions."

Her expression is that of a satisfied, sly cat who just looked you in the eye after knocking a glass off of a table. I let her revel in her small victory. She can have it. I don't really care. I just want to get back to Sebastian. Her eyebrow raises as though she can't believe that I did it by myself. To be fair, I didn't really do it by myself. I had the help of a stronger delusion. Isn't it ironic?

"Tell you what, I'll offer you a deal. You can go back to see Sebastian again if you agree to a one-hour session with me tomorrow. The offer stands for every day you would like to see him. Once weekly sessions with me, with open honesty on your part, in exchange for visitation whenever the two of you would like." How did this woman always turn the tables on me? She had me by the balls once again and I didn't even see it coming. I'm really losing my edge. The old me would've never been manipulated like this before.

"You know, I see the game you're playing here. To be honest, I'm quite impressed. Do you manipulate all of your patients like this, doctor?" I don't expect to catch her off guard, but it's still nice to see the flash of annoyance cross her face.

"Not all of them, just the ones who try to manipulate me. Cut the crap, Mayslee. Do you agree or not?" Her honesty cuts me to the core and I truly appreciate it. Maybe she isn't all bad. As I said before, I might like her if she wasn't a shrink. "Today's visit will be a token of goodwill on my part, after that, the ball is completely in your court. But remember, if you don't start talking tomorrow, your visits will be discontinued." With that, she leads me back to Sebastian's room. My palms break out with sweat as we near his room.

I had already made a fool of myself many times in front of him, but this was the first conscious one. I knew I had to apologize for being such an ass at such a horrible time. I had to ask him to forgive my temper. I wasn't used to feeling so many things that weren't utterly gut-wrenching or devastating. I had to get a grip on myself. I'm sure he will understand, he knows where I'm at and where I've been. Don't make excuses and no smart-ass comments. Just apologize.

I round the corner into his room and find him sitting in the same spot on the bed. His head is in his hands and his shoulders shake. I know I have upset and hurt him. Damn, was I ever going to get my shit together? He doesn't hear me come into the room, so I kneel in front of him. He doesn't acknowledge me in any way and I'm not sure he knows I'm here yet. I slowly reach up and wrap my arms around him. Once again, he freezes at my touch. I know the feeling, you don't get touched often in a place like this, especially in a soothing way.

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I got pissed off and wasn't watching my mouth. Don't be upset." He doesn't say anything, but his shoulders do still. His tears are fewer and fewer as I hold him. "I have no clue what I'm doing here. I want to be here for you. I want to help you, but, to be honest, I don't even know how to help myself. I've never been good with people, much less, people I care about." I ramble on, trying to make the situation better but failing miserably.

I feel his hands move from his face and I begin to lean back. However, his hands make their way around my waist and he holds me tightly to his chest. I didn't know how much a simple hug could help. I feel sturdy around him, which is saying a lot when your mind is a tilt-a-whirl. I feel as though I might be okay, as if everything were right, even just for a moment. I don't mean to, but I begin to sob. At that moment, I realize I had never cried for my parents or the life that I lost, or even the loss of my mind. I guess I hadn't felt safe to do so. But now, I felt completely safe and ready to do so.

At that epiphany, sobs begin to wrack my entire frame. I cry for what seems like hours and he cries with me. We cry for everything that was lost and everything that could have been. We cry with sadness and despair but also with hope. Hope in each other, that maybe, one day, we can help each other heal. Put some Band-Aids over the cracks that were slowly becoming trenches. I take him sobbing right along with me as forgiveness. He trusts me enough to show me himself in his most vulnerable state. I grip onto him as though I will never touch another human being again. I can't see myself ever touching anyone else, but you never know.

His sobs slow and stop long before mine. If I had to guess, I'd say he had already cried about his trauma. Every time my sobs begin to slow a fresh wave of anger or sadness or agony rips through my body. I came here to comfort him today and here we were, back in the same situation, with him comforting me. Maybe I did help him a bit, he got a good cry out of it and I brought him out of a hallucination, but he has done more for me than can ever be repaid.

"Mayslee, I know you don't see it now, but I promise you, everything will be okay." His statement made me draw up short. I slowly hiccupped my way out of my sobs so I could tell him. Tell him that I feel like everything is going to be okay when I'm with him. How I feel at home with him and I can't imagine where I would be if I hadn't met him. I take a deep breath and raise my head to meet his eyes.

Any words that were about to come out of my mouth were gone. His face, so perfect, just inches from mine and all I could do was stare at him. I swam into his eyes for what seemed like ages and I didn't have to say anything. I could see, in the depths of his soul, that I had become the same for him, that he was for me. There was no coming back in this pivotal moment. We were both lost and didn't want to be found. My hand raised on its own accord and stroked his cheek. From his temple to the corner of his mouth and my thumb rested on his bottom lip. The corner of his mouth turned up and my heart stuttered for a moment. He was broken, just like me, only he was wrapped in the most beautiful packaging I could ever imagine.