New Series, Vlog 3

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by darlinghallo

by darlinghallo

Cue goofy intro.

Cue scene of ALR sitting on living room sofa. She is crying—mascara dribbling down her face and is surrounded by a mountain of paper tissues. "Hi you guise, sorry I look so raw. SNIFFLE. Wifey and I just got bad news." She pauses. "Bayyyybbbeeeee should I tell them?"

Off-screen Wifey responds—"Babe, they're going to figure it out. Tell them." ALR looks down at the ground, she is blushing as she begins to sob.

"The great American road trip has been cancelled. Our van was sold to the porn star Amber Lynn Reid by mistake. I am so upset you guise. I bought 50 cabin core inspired pillows for the van and I cannot return them because I lost the receipts. I can't use them in my ho-em, it's not my aesthetic."

Cue to footage of ALR cooking in the kitchen. She is wearing a shirt that says Barbie on it. "So guise, it's been two months since my last clip where I tell you we did not get the van. I have been busy journaling my feelings about it and I've realized that I don't need the van to have adventures, I can go on a road trip from the comfort of my own home. So today I am cooking Chickun Tee-kah Mah-sah-la—baybeee did I get that right?"

Off-screen Wifey responds—"Sure babe."

Cue footage of ALR fondling raw chicken and playing with it as Wifey softly whimpers in the background. She dunks the chicken in some sort of beige-brown sauce, that in no way resembles actual Tika Masala sauce. Then dunks her fingers in the sauce and shrieks "O.M.G. I did that. O.M.G. That is da bomb dot com!Try this baybbbeeee!" Silence.

Off-screen Wifey finally responds. "I'm on the toilet babe, can it wait?"

Cue footage of a square plate with a mound of basmati rice and a heap of mysterious goop that we know to be the supposed Tika Masala, yet we remain skeptical. Quickly the camera shifts to an up close shot of ALR's face. "You guise. This. Meal. Has. Forever. Changed. My. Life. Da. Bomb. Dot. Com."

Cue to ALR sitting on the sofa. "So since hashtag Van Life isn't in the cards for us right now, we're going to be re-branding and growing in a different direction. I hope you guise come along with us for the ride because it's going to be so honest, so raw. Byeee guise!"