Sander Sides Oneshots

Who I am (Roman)

This is going to be another very angsty one. And it's not Logan (cue gasping). Hope y'all like it

TW: Character death, panicking, depression (feel free to let me know if there's any other)

Roman:

I look into the mirror again. Nothing looks right anymore. I just don't feel like myself. I know I'm the prince and nothing is suppose to get to me but Janus' comment in the last video just really made it hard for me to continue to ignore these thoughts. 

As these judging eyes surround me, in silence tearing me apart

The stage is the only place I'm comfortable. I feel like I can be anyone but me. If I'm not me then the other sides will like me. No one comes to my performances though, they're too busy with what they have to do. 

Only seeing to the surface, they refuse to see my heart

I thought if I planned something for everyone they'd like me. I planned a little picnic lunch with everyone, even the dark sides. Logan canceled saying he had stuff to do. Remus decided that he'd rather torment me and overall it was a fail. Janus didn't even try to lie to me when telling me he hated it and it was too much.

In this mold that they have made me, tried so hard to fit in tight

I start refusing to look in the mirror anymore, choosing to hide the mirror in the closet behind clothes. It's hard to look at myself when I can't even recognize me. Janus is right I might as well be Remus. I pretend that I'm playing a part in a play, that way I don't break character.

Every day's a punishment for being human but the wrong kind

All they see me as is someone who is dramatic. Not me. The only one who gets me is Remus and he's been distance. Is that my fault? I just want someone to understand me. I'm just wrong. I shouldn't be around anymore.

All their heavy words I carry, try to grind them down to dust

I have started just coming out when I need to. My place is imagination. No one can find me there. I can't hear their words in my head in here. I have a purpose. People want me here. I know I made them, but they still want me.

But the piles getting so deep, pretty soon it's going to bury us

Patton came and got me. He told me it wasn't good to be alone. I told him I wasn't alone, people loved me here. He just looked at me sadly. I feel like I'm falling into a pit. I agreed to go back. He sent someone to check on me every hour, when I was in my room. I got annoyed with that so I just went out into the living room. Logan tried to help but we ended up arguing. 

I see two paths that sit before me, the decisions mine to make

Logan refuses to talk to me now. No matter what I say or try to do he acts as if I don't exist anymore. I really hurt his feelings. He just made me so mad. Both Virgil and Patton tried to talk to him, but he slammed the door in their faces. It's like walking on a glass bridge, where any sudden move and it'll break and I'll fall further. 

Do I wear the mask and follow or pay the price for being brave?

I walk up to his door and hesitate. Patton said the only way this will get fixed is if I go to him and apologize. I'd rather just run to imagination, but I need to be brave. If I imagine I'm someone else maybe I can do it? I don't know anymore. I look at the door one more time.

These wounds aren't healing and I'm scared to death

He wouldn't listen to me. I tried to apologize and he just stared past me. When I finished, he told me he would think about it and get back to me. Before he closed the door, I thought I saw a glint of yellow eyes behind him but he closed it too quickly, so I didn't get a good look.